Tue 8 Nov, 2016 06:21 pm
For 3 months, I've been dating a guy that I've been good friends with for 2-3 years. He has really flirty friendships with other girls: he smacks them on their butts, they rub on him a lot, they grab for his crotch when they play-fight, they sleep in the bed with him, they are at his place late nights and early mornings, he walks around in his boxers around some of them, he physically feeds them food with his hands or utensil, they lay in his lap, and sometimes he lies in their laps.
This all seems overly flirty to me. I feel like all of these things are for relationship/dating scenarios only! He does not see a problem with any of it, even though he says it has been a while since he has done any of those things (maybe a month from my observations), so he's saying I shouldn't worry so much. But he hasn't specifically said that he will stop.
Am I wrong for feeling this way even though we aren't dating? Do you all think this crosses friendship boundaries?
We don't have a "title" yet because we would like to get to know each other more on a dating level.
But I'm wondering, Should I even continue pursuing this route even though I know I have a clear problem with his friendship styles?
Or should I learn to deal with it since he seems to be such a great guy otherwise?
Or if we continue this route, would it be out of line for me to ask him to change the way he interacts with his friends (like not doing any of the above things) if we ever decided to be official or should I ask even before we become official?
Thank you for your help in advance!
Being friends for 2-3 years before you started dating - presumably you knew about this behaviour before you got a relationship with him. Your feelings are fine, normal, and honest. They are also yours to stand up for, or not (by the way, there are always consequences of not standing up for your feelings). That said...coming back to the original sentence - you knew about this behaviour beforehand. Now you want him to change?
It seems to me your question is more about compatibility, than right and wrong.
You are completely right. I knew he was a little flirty. Some of the behaviors, though, are new to my knowledge. I guess it can be seen as a matter of compatibility; however, I can't imagine anyone being okay with this "friend behavior" of his. Actually, I know of another girl who was going to date him but stopped for the same reason... (I guess that should have been my red flag, but I'm naive.)
I will stand up for my feelings. I'm just not sure how soon is too soon to stand up for them- now? Or wait until he wants to be official, if we get there? Or is it unreasonable to ask him to change these behaviors?
I don't think you can ask him to change his behaviours. That just ends up with messes for couples/friends.
You can however tell him how the behaviours make you feel. What he does when he has that information will tell you how things will be going forward.
If the behaviours bother you now (and they seem to) , then tell him. What is the benefit to not telling him until he says he wants to be in a relationship with you. Friends should tell friends when they do things that make them uncomfortable.
And really, why are you friends with someone who behaves in these ways?
Good chance he is Polyamorous. Sounds like you aren't up for it. Pity...
Thank you for your answer! That was very insightful. I'll just stick around to see how he has handled this information since I have made it clear that it makes me uncomfortable.