Much Drunkenness and Ridiculing Canadians Takes Place

I just got back from a one night excursion to Montreal. I had a goal: to get kicked out of a bar or slapped by a girl. Neither happened, but I tried my damn best.

Reason for trip: friend from college decided to ruin his life, so it was his bachelor party. 13 of us, depart Boston about 8am Saturday morning in the rented RV.

Maybe 20 minutes after leaving, I notice one of me mates looks a little coked up. Turns out cocaine sniffing happening in back. I don't partake in such activities, but I pop my alcohol cherry, pouring myself a Bailey's....soon after, my first jet fuel, aka Red Bull and vodka. I brought a case of the Bull for the ride. I am the man.

First stop: get pulled aside by border patrol, two semi attractive women get us out of the RV to ID us. I ask if this situation is similar to the scene in the movie "Days of Thunder." They do not seem amused. Either that or they don't get that movie in Canadia.

Second stop: 1st strip club we see. It is only 11:30 am, but it's never too early to hook our soon to be married boy up with beer and hookers. There is one girl working, we promptly pay her large amount of currency to take care of stupid(the one getting married) in a back room. After best man dances with shirt off on stage(in front of all men audience), we decide it is best to head towards destination before incest-produced locals kick our asses.

Get to hotel, get some food, 1/2 of group splits off to strip club. I decide I need rest for long night of mixing it up with 18 year old canucks, so I rest for a few hours. We get it all together and visit next stop: strip club!

Girls there are hot as hell. First stripper who approaches me for lap dance I tell to play in street. After getting lap dance from two very hot girls at once, I tell next stripper who approaches I am flamboyantly gay...she does not believe me. I'm getting sick of this place, we decide to go to real club.

Hit next bar, I tell stupid to stick with me if he wants to have any fun at all. He agrees, and it's off to the races. I feel out of the 13 of us, there was probably 4 with any game at all, and I'm the, or second, funniest.

First off, I have to say I am extremely impressed with the bars: under 21 girls everywhere, and it was seriously 70% female everywhere. I wonder if Montreal is filled with gay men.

So stupid follows me around as I approach everything with a vagina at bar. I tell girls he's getting married, and to quickly round up their friends and dance with him. This is the 103rd time I've used this story at bars, but first time I was telling the truth. Girls were mostly receptive. Those who weren't I would respond with either "you suck" or "Canada sucks." Good times. Grabbed very gorgeous pair of girls who quickly agreed to do body shots with stupid if I buy. Where do these girls hang out in Boston? I'm lying, I've pulled it off here too, except they're not 19 years old. (Great pickup line by the way: if girl agrees to do body shots with you, chances are she's down with even better activities).

Off to bar #2. At this point I've reached the pinnacle of my drunkenness. I was split apart from stupid, so I buddied up with someone else, and don't remember what crap was coming from my mouth at this point. Apparently at the end of the night I was "grinding" with a fat woman. She was with a group of some wicked old chicks: I'm serious, they were at least 30 years old, and probably over 120 lbs.

(note: I wasn't hitting on anyone for myself. For some reason I have a girlfriend and am faithful).

This morning, ridiculing people does not stop for me. At hotel desk, first victims are girls at hotel desk. After telling me she speaks 4 languages fluently, including Japanese, I correct her, that she speaks 5 languages, she forgot "Canadian." I then say "ouch" in Japanese, and tell her I know the word because my Japanese ex-girlfriend said it often when I beat her. Then turned to other girl and ask what her plans are for next weekend.
(yes, it's true. I know the word "ouch" in Japanese. That and hello are the only two Chinese or whatever words I know).

Few minutes later I'm still hanging out in lobby waiting for troops, and two men get into large argument with hotel girls. These guys are being total pricks, so I tell them to shut up and tell him how much I dug his mullet. No response.

Off on RV, and 1st stop at McDonald's in VT. Someone had a car with a very stupid exhaust hanging off his car. Walk up and mercilessly ridicule car. Again, no response. Few minutes later two younger chaps walk by walking with a wannabe gangsta strut with hats cocked to side. Laughter and ridiculing ensues. No response.

But I learned something this weekend: Montreal is fun as hell, and I can be a total dick. But I had good times, and that's what counts.