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Confused by older ex

 
 
Reply Mon 31 Oct, 2016 06:32 am
So I started dating a girl from work about 3 months ago, she's 40 I'm 30. Everything was great we just had such good chemistry and the sex was amazing. She would call me up because she was worried about me if she hadn't heard from me and even asked if I'd be interested in moving in. Then out of nowhere she ends it saying she wants me to find a girl my own age that can give me the things she can't, kids etc. We were literally having sex 2 days before! So anyway post break up she's contacted me a lot saying she misses me and she's sad etc, she even invited me for a drink with her and her work colleagues on Friday. I didn't go as I would have felt awkward. I didn't hear from her after that until a happy Halloween message this morning and then I walked past her and she made a point to say hey. She's so confusing, but I think I want her back. What do you guys think?
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Type: Question • Score: 1 • Views: 690 • Replies: 15
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Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Mon 31 Oct, 2016 07:34 am
@Wtfishappening,
If you're that undecided where you're asking random Internet strangers this question, do yourself and her a favor and just let it go.
Wtfishappening
 
  1  
Reply Mon 31 Oct, 2016 08:06 am
@Ragman,
I'm not undecided really. I'm sad without her, I'm just so confused by the whole thing.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Mon 31 Oct, 2016 08:11 am
@Wtfishappening,
Do you have children? do you want to be a parent in the future?

I did something similar to your ex about 20 years ago. I broke up with my younger boyfriend as I didn't want to be in the way of his chances to be a parent in the future.
Wtfishappening
 
  1  
Reply Mon 31 Oct, 2016 08:26 am
@ehBeth,
I'm not decided on kids. I want her more than anything Sad
ehBeth
 
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Reply Mon 31 Oct, 2016 08:29 am
@Wtfishappening,
Spend some time thinking seriously about the question of children . Really really seriously.

Let her know that you appreciate her concern/s, that you're taking them under consideration and that you would like to stay in touch.

Don't push too hard because you don't want her completely blocking you.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Mon 31 Oct, 2016 08:30 am
@Wtfishappening,
Wtfishappening wrote:

I'm not decided on kids.


you do have to decide if you are going to pursue a future with this woman. she'll know if you're not 100% sure.
Wtfishappening
 
  1  
Reply Mon 31 Oct, 2016 08:48 am
@ehBeth,
It's whether she wants to pursue a future with me Sad. I've never felt so comfortable around someone before and clicked so well. Corny as it sounds I feel she's my soul mate. I would love to be back with her, I just don't know if she feels the same.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Mon 31 Oct, 2016 08:52 am
@Wtfishappening,
She's worried about what you might be giving up to have a permanent, long-term relationship with her.

It's a fair concern.

(I personally think three months in is early to be thinking long-term, but I can sense where her freak-out came from)

It seems that she'd rather be with you than not - but she needs to know that you've seriously considered the complications that come from being with an older female partner - and one of them is no kids in her case.
Wtfishappening
 
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Reply Mon 31 Oct, 2016 09:01 am
@ehBeth,
I get that she's having a freak out. But what makes you think she wants to be with me than not? I'm so confused
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Mon 31 Oct, 2016 09:23 am
@Wtfishappening,
She has continued to reach out to you - to maintain contact - to invite you out.

There's nothing confusing about her behaviour.

It appears that the thing you may not be used to, may not be ready for, is to continue to be friends with her if you're not *******.

Shé's given you a lot to think about and you need to work it through. This is grown-up stuff.
Wtfishappening
 
  1  
Reply Mon 31 Oct, 2016 09:53 am
@ehBeth,
It's not to do with *******. It's to do with feeling. I miss cuddling up on the sofa and watching a movie and falling asleep with her in my arms I miss her smell and her sense of humour. Don't get me wrong the sex was incredible but it was more than that.
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PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Mon 31 Oct, 2016 02:03 pm
She's not giving herself permission to have a serious relationship with someone ten years younger than she is.

She is DONE with kids, career climbing, etc - all the things people do when they are in their 30's. She is watching you enter these years now, and really, doesn't want to re-live them. That's why she let you go, even though she misses the great sex and cuddling.

Would you be willing to spend more time with her if you knew it would not lead to marriage and kids?

What's wrong with gals your own age?

Wtfishappening
 
  1  
Reply Mon 31 Oct, 2016 03:12 pm
@PUNKEY,
Yes I would. I didn't go after her because she was older, we just clicked and yes I would spend more time with her if I knew it wouldn't lead to marrige and kids.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Mon 31 Oct, 2016 05:34 pm
@Wtfishappening,
Wtfishappening wrote:
she even invited me for a drink with her and her work colleagues on Friday. I didn't go as I would have felt awkward.


you missed a really good opportunity to show her that you want to stay part of your life

I'd suggest telling her that you'd like her to invite you again - and say yes the next time.

Forget about awkward.

Work on developing a great friendship that has potential to be a serious, permanent good relationship ... if you are sure children are not on your agenda .
Wtfishappening
 
  1  
Reply Tue 1 Nov, 2016 04:21 am
@ehBeth,
I'm thinking of asking her if she wants to grab a coffee. Good idea?
0 Replies
 
 

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