Still thinking about ex after 4 years

Hi,
Thank you for clicking on my post.
I have a story to tell that I have been trying to keep a secret for the past 4 years.
4 years ago I met a guy he was a mechanic/musician and excuse my profanity; he was amazing in bed. I was starting to fall into a pit of depression from a very bad case of psychosis during our relationship. Eventually after 5months I had to break it off. I was making the poor guy a mess even his dad noticed him starting to feel depressed because of me. His family did not like me very much I was very shy and he seem to have come from a very good home. I told him I had to break it off because I was hurting him and I couldn't do it anymore I needed to rely on myself. He was crying so hard and he told me he wouldn't take me back. I didn't realize how bad that would actually hurt me until later when I tired to get him back at all costs and he wouldn't. I did everything people warn you about when they talk about their crazy ex. That was me. I went insane. Even after meeting and falling in love with another guy after only a couple months of breaking up with him. So here I am 4 years later with the same guy. And don't get me wrong my current boyfriend loves me to death and the guy from 4 years ago lives with his current girlfriend and they both don't like me (and they both blocked me on fb and Instagram) I tears me up inside. Everytime I tried to make amends with my ex I ended up getting mad and lashing out at him so he distanced himself further and further until it's almost restraining order. Which I'm afraid will happen next if I don't move on. I can't hold onto this any longer. It has taken a toll on my current relationship and we ended up breaking up for 7 months and now we are living together and I find myself thinking about this ex again. When will I stop thinking about him... I've even been to therapy more times than you could imagine over this....


Please no judgement,

And thank you to whomever took the time to read this.
Please try not to leave any rude comments this subject is one that is very hard for me to talk about.