I will losse him if I don't get help!

Lottus Flower--

Because of your parent's death and the selfish perfidity of your children's father you've been under great stress for a year.

Understandably, you're looking for a refuge, for someone to lean on and share your burdens.

Unfortunately, this guy has never been there for you and just because you need him doesn't mean that he's going to change his spots or his stripes or his habit of putting himself first 24/7.

Continue thinking, making friends on the Internet, talking things out with people you trust. Is there any chance that you could see a counselor who would give you a detached perspective on your mountain of grief?

Hold your dominion.

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I have been reading along, and sympathize with lottusflower, who I also rename, I hope without protest, after the flower, the lotus.

Lotus, I don't want to be too nosy, but where do you live, in a general sense? I think you need some folks to talk to when you are stressed, closer than any of us and maybe we can find some ideas for you.

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Focus on one thing, and one thing only right now:

CHILD SUPPORT

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InfraBlue wrote:

Focus on one thing, and one thing only right now:

CHILD SUPPORT

I live in Long Beach, CA. I can honestly say that I haven't had much of a social life. The reason for that was because I've always wanted to focus on what was important to me and that was my relationship with my ex as well as my family. I never really had true friends to begin with so I was better off without some of the friends I had. I realize now that I need friends. If any of you are down my way please send me an e-mail

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My first instinct was also child support, when i looked at my emails this morning, but I didn't get back to it and Infra Blue did.

That matters, however anything else between you two works out.

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I truly feel for you and am so sorry to hear of your losses. I wish you and your children the very best in life. Hang in there and know there are people out there you can talk to. Even if it's people on line like us. I do have to say that when you came to A2K, you found a very supportive and caring group of people.

Welcome aboard Lottus :-)

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Welcome, Lottus.

As Infrablue says, it's time to focus on child support. And it's time to focus, period.

You need to get your ducks lined up. That may sound unfeeling or like I think it's all too easy - the bottom line, though, is that time is ticking away, and in the meantime, you need to exert your rights.

Get yourself a lawyer. If you can't afford one, go to Legal Aid and get one for a reduced cost or for free. Tell the lawyer you want child support, full custody, whatever it is you want that is best for your children. From my perspective, the best thing is full custody for you, with visitation rights for your ex and child support coming from your ex. Your kids need a reliable source of food on the table and a roof over their heads. It's up to you to make sure that they get it, particularly as your ex does not seem interested in this. Now is the time for you to show the court that you are the best parent for your children. You will have to be assertive here, but it's well worth it.

Second, get yourself to counseling. Contact your family doctor (just the general practitioner, you know, the person who takes your blood pressure every year) and ask for a referral. If you think you will have trouble affording counseling, ask your doctor if he or she knows anyone who is less expensive (hey, he or she might). If you don't have a family doctor, ask your dentist, your eye doctor, your chiropractor, or even your neighbors and colleagues. Shop around if you don't like the first counselor you see. They can be as different as people can be and you might not click with the first one, so don't stop looking until you click. You owe this to yourself and to your children. You need to deal with your grief and with the end of this relationship. You've had a lot on your plate, so feel free to contact a professional who can help you with these burdens.

Thirdly, contact your insurance company and find out what they'll pay for. The calendar year is going to end in about 12 weeks. If you can get coverage for, say, 10 weekly sessions, you're pretty much covered through the end of the year. If therapy is not covered, consider payments through a Health Care Reimbursement Account. Again, you deserve this. It's money well-spent, but check with your carrier - you might just have to pay a deductible.

Finally, be strong. We're right behind you. You can do this.

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jespah wrote:

Welcome, Lottus.

As Infrablue says, it's time to focus on child support. And it's time to focus, period.

You need to get your ducks lined up. That may sound unfeeling or like I think it's all too easy - the bottom line, though, is that time is ticking away, and in the meantime, you need to exert your rights.

Get yourself a lawyer. If you can't afford one, go to Legal Aid and get one for a reduced cost or for free. Tell the lawyer you want child support, full custody, whatever it is you want that is best for your children. From my perspective, the best thing is full custody for you, with visitation rights for your ex and child support coming from your ex. Your kids need a reliable source of food on the table and a roof over their heads. It's up to you to make sure that they get it, particularly as your ex does not seem interested in this. Now is the time for you to show the court that you are the best parent for your children. You will have to be assertive here, but it's well worth it.

Second, get yourself to counseling. Contact your family doctor (just the general practitioner, you know, the person who takes your blood pressure every year) and ask for a referral. If you think you will have trouble affording counseling, ask your doctor if he or she knows anyone who is less expensive (hey, he or she might). If you don't have a family doctor, ask your dentist, your eye doctor, your chiropractor, or even your neighbors and colleagues. Shop around if you don't like the first counselor you see. They can be as different as people can be and you might not click with the first one, so don't stop looking until you click. You owe this to yourself and to your children. You need to deal with your grief and with the end of this relationship. You've had a lot on your plate, so feel free to contact a professional who can help you with these burdens.

Thirdly, contact your insurance company and find out what they'll pay for. The calendar year is going to end in about 12 weeks. If you can get coverage for, say, 10 weekly sessions, you're pretty much covered through the end of the year. If therapy is not covered, consider payments through a Health Care Reimbursement Account. Again, you deserve this. It's money well-spent, but check with your carrier - you might just have to pay a deductible.

Finally, be strong. We're right behind you. You can do this.

Noddy24, bellavu, Montana, Debra_Law, ossobuco and jespah. Thank you all for your advice and support. I am so happy to see that someone cares about my situation and has taken the time to give me some advice. I can now see the great big picture nice and clear. I can't thank all of you enough! Last night was the first night I could actually fall asleep, I did toss and turn, but not because I was upset. I was actually happy and anxious to get my new life started. The only thing that kept coming up in my mind was "I never cared for your look but I managed to find you very sexy" the more I thought about it the more exited I was. Not angry but convinced that he was not a boyfriend nor a lover but just a living partner that did not appreciate a good thin while it was there. I have so much to offer, I'm a great person, fun and caring. I can so offer that to someone else who is willing to care for me. Many thanks to all for helping me see this.

Love
LottusFlower

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Lottus Flower--

Glad we could help. You know where we are if you need a listening ear over your changing time.

Quote:

I never cared for your look but I managed to find you very sexy.

This is his idea of a romantic reminder so you will think kindly of him after the breakup? Not much wrong with his ego, is there? Just his common sense, compassion and feelings of personal responsibility.

Beware--now that you are rejecting him, he may want a reconciliation so that he can ditch you all over again.

Let him see the kids--at his place. Let him babysit--at his place. He has no rights to snoop in your personal life and you are strong enough and savvy enough not to let him.

Good luck.

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unattainable
LottusFlower:

When you start thinking you might want him back, remember that he also said this:

Quote:

I'm not basing our current relationship on sex anymore because I don't see you that way anymore. I wish you would understand when I was trying to explain to you why I want to get intimate with you all the time; it was because I love you and I couldn't find any other way to express but that. I know it made you despise me because of that but I guess that's what makes us two different people.

He doesn't know how to express "love" in any other way except through SEX. That's a cop out. He's just an insensitive, horny bastard.

He could have expressed his love by including you in his life, but he didn't.

He could have expressed his love by building a life with you and the kids, but he didn't.

He could have expressed his love by spending time with you and the children, but he didn't.

He could have expressed his love by listening to you, but he didn't.

He could have expressed his love by trying to understand your feelings, but he didn't.

He could have expressed his love by putting you and the children first, but he didn't.

Everything was and is about him.

He likes to portray himself as a good guy. He always TALKS about how caring he is--about how he wants to help other people--but he's all talk. He only cares about himself. He is selfish.

The only time he wanted to spend time with you is when he was horny. Period.

You deserve so much more. You deserve better than a man who rarely spends time with you except when he's horny and wants to shove his hands down your pants. And then he expects YOU to feel grateful about that simply because he managed to find you sexy even though he never cared for your look. Again, he wants to portray himself as the caring, magnanimous one. In order to build his own ego, he needs to tear yours apart. Well, LottusFlower, don't let him do you any more favors.

I'm glad that you're thinking more clearly and realize that you're not losing anything. You're getting your wonderful life back.

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You sure are getting your life back. Enjoy and be happy. Most of all, don't ever let anyone break you down. I've been there and would never settle for being with a man like this ever again. I never knew how precious my freedom was until I stepped out of a lousy relationship, if you can even call it a relationship. I haven't been in a relationship for about 6 years now, but I'm still very content with my life because I'm free from the neglect and abuse I dealt with in my last 2 relationship, which together consisted of 11 years down the drain. Sure, I get a tiny bit lonely every so often, but when I was in those life sucking relationships, I was lonely all the time.
I don't sit around regretting my terrible choices in men, lol, as I have learned some very valuable lessons and got a wonderful son out of the deal.

Happy trails Lottus :-D

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Montana wrote:

You sure are getting your life back. Enjoy and be happy. Most of all, don't ever let anyone break you down. I've been there and would never settle for being with a man like this ever again. I never knew how precious my freedom was until I stepped out of a lousy relationship, if you can even call it a relationship. I haven't been in a relationship for about 6 years now, but I'm still very content with my life because I'm free from the neglect and abuse I dealt with in my last 2 relationship, which together consisted of 11 years down the drain. Sure, I get a tiny bit lonely every so often, but when I was in those life sucking relationships, I was lonely all the time.
I don't sit around regretting my terrible choices in men, lol, as I have learned some very valuable lessons and got a wonderful son out of the deal.

Happy trails Lottus :-D

Its amazing what has happened these couple of days. Of course I have to talk to him right, well. Its amazing how much stronger I am now. I'm not being mean or rude I'm letting it go to the universe. I'm being nice, friendly but don't get me wrong I have my wall up. I keep repeating "I never cared for your look but I managed to find you very sexy" in my head over and over again. I actually have it as a screen saver to remind me of the person he really was and always will be. I also read his letter, I have probably read it 100 times but the more I read it, the stronger it makes me. I can't stop laughing at his poor stupid excuses. It's just too funny to think that I was actually madly in love with this guy and even asked him for a second chance. Amazing...

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Good for you Lottus. You're on your way to recovery :-D

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I will losse him if I don't get help!

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