difficult to decipher
Hi LottusFlower:
Your post was difficult to read. It was one extremely long rambling paragraph. People, however, tend to write the way they think. Your thoughts are obviously rambling. You need to organize your thoughts and focus clearly on the problem.
LottusFlower wrote:I'm going thru a very difficult time in my life. I've been in a relationship with this man for approx 9 years. I've always been about communication, something that was very difficult between him and I. I tried to give him clues and have talks with him but he was to preoccupied with his friends, gambling, and everything else. I love this man.
Neither you nor your man are able to engage in effective communication. If you want your man to know what you're thinking or feeling, you
tell him. Trying to communicate through
clues is totally ineffective. He cannot read your mind. He cannot decipher the clues.
It appears that you were unhappy in your relationship because your man took you [and the children] for granted. He was more interested in spending time elsewhere than with the family. You had a legitimate gripe. It is difficult to maintain a loving, healthy relationship if one of the partners is frequently absent.
Quote:Well last year, I finally had it. My mind was telling me one thing but my heart was telling me something else. I told him that I was tired of him not listening to me and putting his needs before our family. I asked him to move out and to to top it all off I was under the suspicion that he was not being loyal. I was ready for a new life...so I thought.
Your man was spending so much time away from the family that you suspected that he was cheating. Regardless, either you and the children are a priority in his life--or you're NOT. He made it clear to you that his other interests were more important.
You probably did the right thing when you asked him to move out. You might love him, but if he is NEVER there for you, then you are essentially existing without him and there is NO RELATIONSHIP to save.
Quote:When he moved out I wasn't happy but I needed a distraction so I turned to the internet. I started to have conversations with people that I have never met to try and find out how many other people out there had gone thru the same thing; I guess I was looking for someone to sympathize with my situation. I wanted someone to say I understand what you are going thru and have something to talk about.
So long as you made a CLEAN BREAK from your man [now, ex-man], there is nothing wrong with moving on with your life and meeting other people. It appears that you were a lonely, neglected, and unhappy woman for many years. You probably have many unresolved feelings and need to talk.
One thing to remember: People you meet on the internet may give you sympathy, but they cannot fix your life. YOU are responsible for fixing your life. Since you need to talk and sort out your feelings, you should probably seek professional counseling.
Quote:I met this 19/20 year old on line who I had very nice long conversations with. We talked for hours and it seemed right at the beginning, the age was not a big deal because his mentality was that more of a grown 30-40 year old man. I met others and the conversations where great. I knew that most of these men would probably just have one thing in mind; to score whit whom ever they had a chance. Something that I was very well aware of. I'm not going to lie, I was curious to meet one of them and that was the 19/20 year old.
Through the internet, you were finally having contact with people who were paying attention to you. They listened to you, talked to you, empathized with your situation, and gave you a "sympathetic" ear to bend. But, you weren't born yesterday. You're aware that some of the men you're talking to on the internet might be paying attention to you and telling you what you want to hear simply because they have hopes of hooking up with you.
Quote:At the time my current employer had me in charge of all there marketing and promotions/events. I had to full fill my responsibilities since safety was one of my duties I was called to Ventura co. where one of the people from the event got injured. I left late one Saturday afternoon and I was planning to meet this guys but I never did get a chance to and since I was in the area how much more convenient could that have been. I never met the guy.
You met someone on the internet and you were planning to meet him in person. But, for some reason, your plan never materialized.
Quote:Well my ex at the time stayed home and watched the children while I went out to supervise the company events. As I was driving home he calls me and tells me that A guy had called my home phone by the name of Is***. I new right away that it was not true, no one had my home phone number, the first thing that came to mind was that he went over my cell phone bill.
You and your ex have children together. Even though you are separated, you both have a duty to care and support the children. Therefore, if you need to go out of town on business, the children's father should be responsible for taking care of the children.
However, your ex should be taking care of the children at HIS HOME---not at your home. It doesn't appear as though you made a clean break with your ex when he "moved out."
Why did your ex think that he had a "right" to snoop through your cell phone bill, etc., to find out who you're talking to or seeing?
Quote:Anyhow, during this time I was confused I wanted to feel wanted all over again. My ex and I were still going thru a roller coaster and things were getting ugly. Some of the guys that I had met on the net were calling me on my cell and he was extremely jealous of that. Most of the time I denied them because I cared so much for my ex that I did not want him to get hurt. These guys were good to talk to but my interest's did not go beyond that. I was more afraid to have a sexual relationship with one of them an completely loose total feeling for my ex that I still loved even though I made him think other wise. I do admit belittling him, and telling him that I loved him but I was not in love with him at the time. I wanted to be strong because I did not know how he felt and if he was being true.
Even though you asked your man to move out of the house, you were still stringing each other along. You didn't make a clean break. He is not your "ex." You didn't END the relationship. There would be no reason for him to be "jealous" or for you to deny that you were talking to other men IF the two of you had ended your relationship. IF the two of you were no longer together, the fact that you were talking to other men would be NONE OF HIS BUSINESS.
Quote:He was persistent for one whole week to forgive him and to take him back but I was so un sure of his true feeling. I wanted to test him out and see how long we would go asking me to take him back. I was looking for that consistency as a clue that he really meant what he said. He offered to be the man that I always wanted him to be, caring and understanding. When I finally gave in and really felt that he could be that person he said he could be, I said yes.
Again, you're attempting to communicate through "clues." You will never resolve your problems if you don't engage in effective communication. This man neglected you for years. He put you and the children on the back burner while he did whatever he wanted.
He knew you were unhappy when he chose to spend most of his time with his friends or gambling, but he did it anyway. He had no desire or incentive to change his ways until you asked him to move out. Thereafter, he made a lot of promises to entice you to take him back. BUT, a zebra doesn't change his stripes.
Quote:A day after I said yes, he changes everything around and tells me that it would never work out and that he lost all feelings for me. He loved me but was not in love with me.
The two of you have a problem. You both want what you can't have, and once you get it--you don't want it anymore.
When he had you and the kids--he didn't want you. Oh sure, he liked that you were at home waiting for him. But, he liked spending time with his other friends and activities more than he liked spending time with you. You were desperate for his attention because you didn't have it.
Once you got his attention, you really didn't want it. (Why would you? His attention is insincere and short-lived.) But he piles on the attention until you agree to take him back--and when he gets you back--he doesn't want you.
The cycle starts all over again.
Quote:I know that I have lied to a certain extent but since he did record one of my conversation with one of my friends I could not deny what I had said. I said it but I did not mean it. It one of those thing when you try to be strong around people and pretend you don't care, well that is what happened in this case. Those words were not meant to be heard by him. I truly regret saying those words. When he confronted me I could not deny it even though I tried.
HE IS SICK! He snoops through your cell phone bills and now he records your private telephone calls. AND YOU WANT HIM BACK?
Again, the two of you just want what you don't have--and when you get it--you don't want it. If you get this bastard back, what kind of life will you have? He will be recording your calls and monitoring your activities to make sure you're NOT CHEATING while he does whatever he wants and leaves you and your kids home alone. The only time he wants you is when he thinks he can't have you.
You need to END this vicious, unhappy cycle and get this man out of your life once and for all.
Quote:I was shocked, and scared of the consequences. I love this man to death, all I wanted was for him to listen, dedicate more time, and I went about it the wrong way I guess.
IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. He will not listen to you; he will not dedicate more time to you; he will not be there for you. The minute you said you would take him back, he decided he didn't want you.
Quote:He says I'm a liar, I have deceived him and he can't trust me. I tried to explain all of this to him but to him its all lies. He's turned the roles and he says he doesn't have feeling for me like he used to, he loves me because I'm the mother of his children but nothing more, I asked him for a second chance and he said he would think about it.
You're both so busy "turning the roles." He wants you when he can't have you. When he finally gets you back, then he doesn't want you and he calls you an untrustworthy liar. This gives him an excuse to neglect you again. Your turn to chase him and beg for his attention for what? a few more years? How many years are you going to give to this ugliness?
Quote:What do I do in the mean time, Please help, give me some hope. I don't want to loose him, please tell me that this relationship has hope for a new start. I am willing to do whatever it takes to win him back, all I need is an opportunity. Please help me!!!
Advice: End the relationship once and for all. Get counseling from a professional counselor who can help you to sort through your feelings and to think clearly. So what if you lose him? YOU KNOW you wouldn't want him if you got him back. End this ridiculous cycle or game of "want, don't want, want, don't want" that is controlling your life.
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