Boyfriend bulimia

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Hi Everyone,

I need help on a very tender subject.

I met my fiancé a year and a half ago. 5 months into our relationship he tells me a secret that has literally crushed my soul. All very nonchalant he tells me he throws-up after he eats. He said he has stomach problems and throwing up makes him feel better. He's not sure whats going on but every time he eats he feels like vomiting. He said its been 2 years. Well here I am thinking all sorts of things like maybe this is an intestinal issue or worse he has stomach cancer and most importantly this is something out of his control.

Let's fast forward: we live together and I guess he trusts me enough and feels comfortable with me that yes he does vomit...all the time! He eats a man size meal, maybe a tad bigger then pukes and then eats something smaller. And the something smaller is **** food with no nutritional value.

Now I was naive at first to think this was out of his control but I saw him one day and he was sticking his hands down his throat. When I confronted him he said it just helps it along. Um yeah whatever. Every time I have looked at him his had is down his throat.

Pretty much everyday for the past 6 months I have had my soul crushed. Listening to someone you love hurt themselves is beyond comprehension. I'm losing my mind!

Obviously this is a very tender subject and he won't talk about this and no matter what I say starts a huge fight. He's had a really rough year, lost his business and is financially broke. He says when he gets money he'll go check it out.

I don't know how to talk to him or what to do? I am completely lost! My soul is so broken I need help too. To listen to this and be powerless.....

I'm no psychiatrist but it seems this is a control thing since his life is so out of control. Now for the past month he's wanting to fast and eats very little. He wants to "fix" his stomach issue....

Since when we first meet he has lost a lot of weight. Note he had a perfect body for me when we first got together, I remember looking at him thinking how amazing his body was. (Man body, no gut, broad shoulders, fit, no six pack but I don't want that) Now he's too thin for me but I can't say this to him. And now he thinks he looks really good but just needs to lose a bit off his stomach. My gawd now I know how some guys must feel with their ladies.

I added this last paragraph because I guess I don't know what the hell is going on...has anyone ever deal with this? How was this solved? and most importantly why do you think he's doing this?

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Type: Question • Score: 6 • Views: 978 • Replies: 12

Unless he get psychological help to intervene this condition it will go on until he gets malnutrtion - which sounds like he is well on his way.

Insist he get help ASAP or you must leave.

Are you willing to draw the line in the sand about this?

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I'd say he needs a doctor's care, but you probably know that already.

And I suspect you may be onto something, that it's some measure of control in a life where he has very little control.

About the only thing I can think of is to frame it as food waste. He's broke, so spending whatever on one meal, then discarding it and eating another means money is going quite literally down the drain. But I don't know if that will help things or just cause another big fight.

One thing about folks who use their friends and family as therapist surrogates because they don't want to get therapy: those people seem to be pretty damned selfish. If he is confiding this and that in you but it's obvious he needs professional care, then this is straying into enabling territory, if it's not there already. And you don't have to feel obligated to go along with that.

Male bulimia is rarer but not unheard of. Note: I am not a doctor, but I found this article online: http://nedic.ca/sites/default/files/control-paradox-understanding-and-working-anorexia-and-bulimia.pdf

Just substitute 'men' for 'women' and I think the writer's got your boyfriend pegged:

the article, on page 3 wrote:

Women bring to therapy their extremely negative attitudes and feelings about themselves, their sense of helplessness and their sense of loss of control over every aspect of their lives. The development of a positive self-image and heightened sense of control are two major goals of therapy, a sense of esteem and control not based on body size or food intake. Therapy itself can arouse feelings that make women feel more out of control. Acknowledging this, therapy must be paced so that it is both challenging and safe. Contracting with a therapist around mutually agreed expectations can facilitate this balance and encourage women to play an active role in shaping therapy.

1 Reply

@PUNKEY,

I don't know...I just don't know Punkey.

I see two sides to this. One, I'm abandoning him in his time of need. Obviously this is a cry for help, I should be by his side helping him through this and supporting him...building him up and not just walking away. But two, it might take me walking away for him to finally get help. Here in lies the question...if I walk away will he see it as abandoning him or will he see it as love????

Though we are in so many fights we might just breakup...

0 Replies

@jespah,

Ohhhh I wish I could frame the food waste but I have never brought it up because I know how he would act... I'm the one buying the food these days and I cringe at the food waste. Honestly, this burns me inside and I get so irritated that I burst and we fight and fight and fight. But he doesn't know it's because of the food waste and wasted money. I'm boiling inside so any little thing sets me off.

The weird thing is he confided in me but has never spoken about it except once when he ate soup and said after that this is the first time he didn't feel like puking. I have told him on a couple occasions that I love him and I can't watch him kill himself but this has gone nowhere.

I do agree with the article. But I would change "instead of being not based on 'body size or food intake' I see this as a woman issue. For him I would say it would be 'being not based on providing and protecting' because that is what men (are suppose) do.

1 Reply

I don't know : when I first was reading, I figured it was gastrointestinal complications, which many people have. Now I hear and get you re bulimia.
Either way, he needs to see gastrointestinal doctor, at the least an internist.
That or the emergency room.

Do you know his parents?

1 Reply

@jennifer1861,

jennifer1861 wrote:

Hi Everyone,

I need help on a very tender subject.

I met my fiancé a year and a half ago. 5 months into our relationship he tells me a secret that has literally crushed my soul. All very nonchalant he tells me he throws-up after he eats. He said he has stomach problems and throwing up makes him feel better. He's not sure whats going on but every time he eats he feels like vomiting. He said its been 2 years. Well here I am thinking all sorts of things like maybe this is an intestinal issue or worse he has stomach cancer and most importantly this is something out of his control.

Let's fast forward: we live together and I guess he trusts me enough and feels comfortable with me that yes he does vomit...all the time! He eats a man size meal, maybe a tad bigger then pukes and then eats something smaller. And the something smaller is **** food with no nutritional value.

Now I was naive at first to think this was out of his control but I saw him one day and he was sticking his hands down his throat. When I confronted him he said it just helps it along. Um yeah whatever. Every time I have looked at him his had is down his throat.

Pretty much everyday for the past 6 months I have had my soul crushed. Listening to someone you love hurt themselves is beyond comprehension. I'm losing my mind!

Obviously this is a very tender subject and he won't talk about this and no matter what I say starts a huge fight. He's had a really rough year, lost his business and is financially broke. He says when he gets money he'll go check it out.

I don't know how to talk to him or what to do? I am completely lost! My soul is so broken I need help too. To listen to this and be powerless.....

I'm no psychiatrist but it seems this is a control thing since his life is so out of control. Now for the past month he's wanting to fast and eats very little. He wants to "fix" his stomach issue....

Since when we first meet he has lost a lot of weight. Note he had a perfect body for me when we first got together, I remember looking at him thinking how amazing his body was. (Man body, no gut, broad shoulders, fit, no six pack but I don't want that) Now he's too thin for me but I can't say this to him. And now he thinks he looks really good but just needs to lose a bit off his stomach. My gawd now I know how some guys must feel with their ladies.

I added this last paragraph because I guess I don't know what the hell is going on...has anyone ever deal with this? How was this solved? and most importantly why do you think he's doing this?

Jenn,

Some times you need to read between the lines. You say he thinks he looks better but you think he had lost too much weight. He could be doing this as a result of a body image disorder. The signs are there. If he needs to force it, its not an illness that is working against his will. He is purposely doing it. Even if he claims he feels better its not because of a health issue, it has to do with how he is viewing food. He has body image disorder. He needs professional help, its life threatening. Even your attempts to help reaffirm his feelings that he needs this. Even if the arguements are heated they reaffirm his desire to continue. Its part of the disorder. Pull some funds, get him help. You care about him, this is an option.

1 Reply

@ossobucotemp,

I don't know his parents. They live in another country and he's not very close with them. Sad

0 Replies

@Krumple,

Hi Krumple, I honestly don't believe it's a body image issue. He has never brought his weight up until recently. Month after month after month he would just throw up like it was normal. He never mentioned his weight. About a month ago, he started to eat very little. This is when he started talking about his (losing) weight and how he just needs to lose some imaginary fat . For me I see this as a control issue as his life has been spiriling out of control as he still is not in a good place.

Maybe I'm not building him up enough? I don't know. He does need professional help. I wonder sometimes if his didn't have money/work issues if this would cease. Or maybe this is self esteem in which I need to build him up?

1 Reply

@jennifer1861,

Anorexia/bulemia is something that needs professional help.

Your bf/fiance has been throwing up for years. He needs counselling support.

Hopefully he has a family doctor who can guide him toward that.

0 Replies

@jennifer1861,

If it leads to a breakup (or a break, but not intended to be a permanent one), that could be what he really needs. Consider if he were an alcoholic. You can keep driving him home from bars, or you can take his keys and make him walk.

I'm not sure what the comparable metaphor is in this case. Maybe consider a food budget? You're saving for XYZ (a trip, a house, a car, a gift for someone having a special birthday, I dunno, make something up) and so you're on a budget now. To do that and make it convincing, you'll need to show you're on a budget for everything else. I don't advocate lying, not really, but this is a potentially fatal disorder.

Sigh. I know you want to be supportive, but your support is making it easy and comfortable for him to commit suicide by reverse peristalsis.

0 Replies

"Maybe I'm not building him up enough? I don't know. He does need professional help. I wonder sometimes if his didn't have money/work issues if this would cease. Or maybe this is self esteem in which I need to build him up?"

Ye gads, girl!

Stop throwing yourself under the bus. This guy needs PROFESSIONAL help, starting with a Dr. ----- INTERVENTION ASAP

INSIST on this - or tell him you are gone.

The alternative is that you watch him waste away, then blame yourself.

0 Replies

@jennifer1861,

Quote:

He said throwing up makes him feel better.

Tell him not to eat in the first place, and his food bills will drop drastically.

0 Replies

Boyfriend bulimia

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