Reply
Wed 29 Sep, 2004 11:39 am
my post got deleted, so I'm re-posting it because I was finding replies to be helpful and i took a copy!
hellohefalump
ok... I'm 19, female and in the UK. I'm two years back in school because I've been in and out of psychiatric hospitals for the past two years (anorexia, bulimia, depression) but I've finally managed to break through all that and I'm finishing school. I can't relate to any of my peers, all their conversation seems so pointless and superficial... *lol* it sounds wierd but so much has happened to me I feel old and just can't socialise with them properly.
Anyway, the other night, I went to the pub with Pete, my tutor, who I've been very close to for a few years now. We ended up going back to his, because I was a bit drunk, and he lives in Brighton (seaside!) and said I could stay over if I wanted to save having to go home on my own at night. So we went to the cliffs, it was wonderful, quite romantic really, but nothing happened... then we went back to his and had dinner and then just before bed, Pete came and gave me a massive hug. This isn't unusual, he hugs me all the time, but this was longer than usual. Then he kissed me on the lips - nothing major, no tongues or anything... and said 'We should go to bed before I start mauling you'. And we both went off to separate beds and have said nothing about it since.
So what do I do? The ironic thing is I quite fancy him and I've been thinking about him a lot before all this happened... and that's wrong, inappropriate etc, because he's in his late forties and has a daughter only five years younger than me, and he's my teacher. (He's not married though. He split up with her a while back).
Is this just me having a wierd teenage crush or is it something more... if he was my age/not my teacher the situation would be perfect, because he's a really great guy...
Scarlettmarsden
well, do you think it will last?
hellohefalump
if it was just us, then yeah I do. But it's other people... what they would say, etc etc. and obviously his job... but I leave school in a year.
Scarlettmarsden
well take it slow... i would say tease but when I tease I find that men seem to hook on pretty fast .... but if you've only got a year, a year can go really fast... string it out a little.... if you really like him and he really likes you it can be just a matter of time before something happens. Or you could take the logical approach about it and sit and talk to him.... but even with my ex whenever we wanted to "talk" it never really ended up outside the bedroom or off the bed...... still to this day....
hellohefalump
thankyou
Scarlettmarsden
Lol, don't know what for, I just kind of babbled on! But if I helped, hey go me!
hellohefalump
thought of more stuff to type, while i'm obsessing...
I'm worried, I'm NOT experienced in any way, still a virgin. I've never even had a boyfriend. I've had a couple of one-night-stand fling things (but no sex)... I'm worried I'll be crap and he's obviously gonna have tonnes of experience... ack
cavfancier
I would take it slow, if you think this will go somewhere. Wait until you leave school anyway, then talk to him about it. You will both be free at that point. Beware the 'shame spiral' though. From your original post, it seems you have conditions that might rear their ugly heads if something goes wrong here. If you really feel comfortable with yourself now, then wait until it's acceptable, but keep your head together too. Notes from a fellow depressive.
Scarlettmarsden
Oh don't worry chicka, that's not a problemo. I'm sure he'll offer some advice, and a helping hand...
sorry...
pun intended completely.
hellohefalump
cavfancier - you have a very good point...
scarlett - *lol* and thanks
LesVal
You may feel that you need someone older in your life to help take care of you ant this time of trouble. It sounds like you are getting your feet firmly planted on the ground now so I would hate for you to hook up with this man and get hurt emotionally.
I think that you know when you find the person who is right for you though. You should feel it without having to question yourself about that person.
Suppose he goes back to his wife after you start seeing him. Could you handle that. I have learned to really look ahead and think how will the choices I make now affect my future !!!
Good luck and I hope you follow your heart.
Debra_Law
There are many risks involved if you commence a relationship with this older man. He is more than twice your age and he makes a living in the education field. If the two of you become involved, this could ruin his career. Other parents would be extremely wary of allowing him to tutor their teenage daughters if he is the kind of older man who can so easily cross the line from teacher/student to wannabe lover. A teacher should not seduce his students.
I think he already crossed the line when he took you (his student) to a pub, allowed you to have too much to drink, invited you to stay overnight at his place, and hugged & kissed you and made an inappropriate comment. IMO, his actions were highly unprofessional and a breach of trust. Given your history with eating disorders and depression, you are vulnerable and you truly need to protect yourself from a possible predator.
Please, be very careful.
I say "go for it". You're an adult. Why not?
Hello again hellohefalump :-).
(I read this when it was posted, but didn't reply.)
I agree that the thing to do is, at the very least, wait 'til you are no longer in a teacher/student relationship. He's not married, you're over 18, so things are better than they could be. But the teacher/student thing is a problem for a lot of reasons. Wait 'til that's no longer an issue... and then see.
(Btw there was a large data loss, not that it was deleted... more here:)
http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=34631
oh yeah, that's what I meant by deleted... wrong word sorry... yup, data loss.
I think you're right, should wait until I'm not his student anymore. Don't want to wreck his career...
oh yeah, that's what I meant by deleted... wrong word sorry... yup, data loss.
I think you're right, should wait until I'm not his student anymore. Don't want to wreck his career...
Hellohefalump, I agree completely with Debra_Law.
The subject line you chose is interesting ..... hmmmm?
yes, it's inappropriate... I know you're right... I'm so confused though. It doesn't feel like a 'wrong' thing, it feels like an exception to the rules... I dunno though. I've been researching student/teacher stuff on the internet and everything I've come across uses the word 'abuse' or says that boundaries shouldn't be crossed etc... It says that 'victims' often try to protect their 'abuser' but i don't feel like a victim... Pete's my friend, he's been great to me... It's through him that I'm back at the school. I was in yr 13 when i was hospitalised and the course I was doing then wouldn't take me back, so I went to Pete because I'd known him before, and he said I could do his course. It's the best thing I've ever done and I'm so grateful to pete for giving me the chance to do this - I'm doing theatre production - behind the scenes stuff - and I've already had REALLY good work experience through staff at school - scenic painting/set dressing for west end (london) shows! I would never want to do anything to get Pete into trouble, but I know really this is all wrong... But it feels like it isn't wrong.
Of course it does, hellohefalump! I understand completely!
Unfortunately, we cannot always trust our feelings. This is one of those situations where you should trust your brain rather than your heart.
If you really care about Pete, you will not wreck his career or do anything to get him in trouble, no matter how you feel. Right?
Be strong.
You're right. I don't want him to get into trouble. I do care about him... I wouldn't want to hurt him in any way. I will wait until I've finished school. If he does anything else, I'll say that to him...
hello, hellohefalump---man oh man, i'm with debra on this one...be careful, be careful, be careful. i'm thinking the worst on this one...that he's set you up....that HE's the one with the problems...
you're an adult, true, but a young one, who is vulnerable. i hope this guy is sincere, but i doubt it.
welcome, and i hope you contribute to other forums on here...lotsa interesting stuff.
hellohefalump wrote:You're right. I don't want him to get into trouble. I do care about him... I wouldn't want to hurt him in any way. I will wait until I've finished school. If he does anything else, I'll say that to him...
Good girl!
And if he still pushes for a deeper relationship after you've put it that way, you'll know he's not a very wise man.
I do not think that you could have a long-lasting relationship with this man. I think you could probably have a really great time with him, but it would not last. Yes, his career is at stake...as well as his relationship with his daughter...but your own future is at stake also. You get involved with this guy, and he could suck you in...if you started living at his place, eating his food, then what happens in a couple years when he doesn't want you anymore and all of a sudden you have little work experience and little money, little education, and are more depressed than ever before because the man you lost your virginity to swept you up on a wild ride and now doesn't want you? So I say tread lightly. I'm not saying "don't have a relationship with this guy", perhaps it would lighten your life for a while...but do not get too attached and don't let yourself become dependent or anything, and be aware of the risks.
ok... I've totally fallen for him...
Today I was feeling depressed - general build up of stress - and got talking to Pete - wanted to cut myself, but didn't and he talked to me about it... anyway we ended up hugging and kissed again - still only little kiss, no tongues etc... when he hugs me it feels like all my worries just waft away...
I know this is wrong... Pete knows that too... I've totally fallen for him though
ok... against all better intentions...
I had to move a fish tank (v big) and the guy who was meant to help me let me down at the last minute and Pete offered to do it and I agreed... so we set off in his van. It was a long journey - south london, to north london, to east london... and all was good...
then we got the tank back and went to the pub on the way back and then dropped the tank off at my house. Then we went out for a meal together and then he dropped me off home. So I gave him a big hug to say thankyou... and one thing led to another and we had a proper snog and a cuddle. hmm
The thing is though, he knows it's wrong, I know it's wrong, he's feeling guilty because he should know better... and I'm feeling all warm, fuzzy and stary eyed and can't stop smiling like lovesick puppy. ack.
what's a "proper snog and a cuddle?"
kissing... w tongues. And a cuddle.
oh.
well, i think that he is taking advantage of you, hon.
i really do.
if this were a novel i was reading, and if you two are seriously falling in love...and everything turns out well, well then , i'm happy for you both.
but i have a gut feeling, that he may be trying to slowly seduce you. you are in very vulnerable state, are you not?
Quote:if this were a novel i was reading, and if you two are seriously falling in love...and everything turns out well, well then , i'm happy for you both.
that's what it feels like
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace