Need advice on MIL that cut me out of her life.

My question to you is, what side is your husband on?

Is he a non-participant in this or does he side and support you and think his mother is wrong? Does he tell her she is wrong?

My initial reaction is that your MIL is a difficult person. I think your husand may be right when he said she was going sober just to get attention. If your husband is supporting you, I think he should tell his mother that either his entire family is welcome (including you and your daughter) or nobody will be coming over at all. I think that all YOU can do is wait it out. Anything you do will just be seen by her as an attack on her and make the situation worse. I think this is one of those things where either she gets over it and gains a daughter and granddaughter-in-law or she loses a son.

Good luck and Welcome to A2K.

Thanks.

Hubby did stand behind me and told her that if I was not welcome none of us would be visiting including our son. He told her that we're a "package deal". He let her know she can't choose who she wants in her life and that if I'm not welcome she's cutting us all out of her life and her response was to tell him.........."that's your decision but you're still welcome in my home as long as she's not with you".

What I'm not understanding is what I've done and if she can't point out something I've done how can I fix things? I won't deny she is difficult and she does tend to make snide comments from time to time but I have always overlooked her remarks and continued to accept her and love her regardless. My frustration lies in the fact that I simply can't make things work if I don't know where to start on repair.

I know you're right though, any attempt I make will only be pouring salt in the wound as far as she's concerned. She will see it as me working to manipulate the situation and make her look badly.

My pain I feel is for my husband and for our children who now don't have their Grandmother and I only want to make things right for everyone.

It is a shame that this woman is willing to cut her own son out of her life because she dislikes you for reasons she can not even support with evidence. Did she act this way with his previous wife?

Perhaps she is just jealous of your relationship with your husband and she is hoping that he will pick her over you. I give him credit for standing up to her and supporting you.

I don't think there is anything you can do to "fix things." You are dealing with an irrational person who already made up her mind not to like you... even if there is no evidence to support her theory. She will have to come to the realization on her own that she accept you and your daughter or she will lose her son. I think you and your husband should stand fast on that decision.

Is your husband an only child? If not does she behave this way towards his siblings spouses?

You've brought up some very interesting questions for thought here.

Yes, she was this way with his ex wife. However, something interesting about that situation is this. He and his ex lived together with his mom in the same house while dating for a few years prior to their marriage. She never had any problems with his ex wife until they married and after they married the mom began having issues with her. Things stayed somewhat in turmoil until they divorced. At that point they began to speak on a very civil basis and are now friends even after the divorce! She has made several references in the past to her daughter-in-law and refers to her as such even still. She at one point would watch his ex wifes pets while on vacation, they email on a regular basis and she still sends her Birthday cards (as a note she does not send me a card).

Yes, he is an only child. His biological Dad whom he refers to as "sperm donor" has not been a major part of his life because they divorced when he was very young. She then remarried and her husband adopted him. They divorced a few years later and his adopted Dad remained a big part of his life even though his mother was not supportive of the relationship. His Dad remarried about 10 years ago and his wife is often referred to as "Mom" by my husband. He thinks dearly of her and this may also be something his Mother sees as "my doing".

What are your thoughts on this?

I think that he is the only man in her life. She feels threatened by anyone trying to take that relationship away from her. She has had this reinforced by his relationship with his "other mom."

As long as your husband and his ex were living under her roof he was still her little boy. But, once they married she had to share him with his ex. With you she started planning against you right away. She feels threatened by you. She probably feels like she is not important anymore to her son. She isn't needed any more becasue you are there to take care of his needs like she used to do.

You are not the problem. Your mother-in-law is the problem.

If she were a stranger, would you keep trying to establish and warm and loving relationship with her? If it weren't for the blood tie, is she someone you would want your daughter to spend time with?

Would you stand on the coast of Florida and beg, "Hurricane, be a gentle wind."? Of course not. Your mother-in-law is pulling your strings and delighting in the attention she's getting. Were you put on this earth to make her happy?

Your husband has made his choice--he stands by you and by your/his daughter. Try ignoring her for a time--right through the holiday season, if necessary. Play by your rules, not hers.

By the by, welcome to A2K. Let us know how the silent treatment works when you are the woman applying the silent treatment.

All of the histrionics are very familiar as a child of an alcoholic. That alone has a whole lot to do with a lot of what you are saying, IMO.

It sounds like you have been very mature and your husband is doing a great job of handling this, as well. I'd suggest counseling beyond the aunt-as-mediator, for all of you, or even just for you and your husband to deal with your MIL and decide how to handle things in the future. I would suspect that as soon as you stop with the genuinely concerned and going out of your way to be nice phase, she will then spin that into you hate her and are keeping her grandchild from her. If it involved just you guys, that's one thing, but I think the next phase would likely be some sort of histrionics regarding having access to her grandchild -- demanding unsupervised visits, threatening to sue if you don't quickly acquiesce, that sort of thing.

Not to freak you out, but to point out where having the counsel of a professional can both help you now and help you prepare for the future.

Good luck.

Perhaps she wasn't unpleasant because she drank--perhaps she's just basically a nasty person, drunk or sober.

Oh, I'd believe that. But it's a type that seems especially prevalent among alcoholics, even while not drinking -- not sure of the chicken and the egg of it, if alcohol does something to the brain that includes these personality traits, or if there is a brain condition that includes a predisposition to alcohol as well as these personality traits.

But they do seem to go hand in hand.

Thanks to everyone for the advice, and support. I have read through each reply and it seems the same tone is in each reply. I do appreciate all the insight.

I was told by a friend when asking for advice on this that she thought perhaps my MIL was suffering from what is known as a "Dry Drunk". Since she never attended any of her scheduled AA meetings is it possible that she still suffers from the same problems as before only she no longer drinks. Does this make any sense?

I have gone around and around wondering if anything I do would make even a small difference in the way she feels toward me. I'm not very good at the silent treatment but I will definately give that a try since it seems to be something everyone thinks may work to my benefit.... eventually. I am hoping that she may take this time to ponder things that have been said and possibly realize things have no need to be this way.

Mostly my heart hurts for my husband. I know he does have "another mother" as he points out. However, I'm not sure anyone can ever replace the bond one has with their biological Mom.

Should I even mention to my husband that I will not continue trying or should I let him take the lead and do as he does with this situation?

BTW, we do have a family gathering in mid Oct. We have an annual fish fry and several of the family members show. We have family that comes in from Maryland and they relayed a message through the aunt that was the mediator. They told us not to even think about not coming. And, my husband has the opinion of.... "This was her choice so why should we not attend a family function when we are not the ones with the issues"?

Anyones opinion on this would be helpful as well. I don't want to go and take a chance at causing a scene even though it does appear the family agrees with us on this one. Just trying to keep peace.... or as much as possible at this point. Also, if we do go and my 6 year old wants to go hug on her Grandma' as she sees it.............. how do I handle that????

Your mother-in-law may well be a dry drunk--she's never dealt with the issues and personality flaws that made the bottle so attractive to her.

Meanwhile, don't think of your future actions as "giving her the silent treatment". You aren't responsible for "giving" her anything. You are getting along with your own life.

Don't second guess your husband and what he "must" feel. Give the guy credit for his hard won insight into this mother's unpleasant nature and the way of the world.

By all means go to the picnic--and have a wonderful time. Before you go, warn your daughter that grandma might be feeling cross. While you're there, be prepared to protect your daughter from gratuitious nastiness. My guess is that if Grandma makes a scene, the family will side with your family, not with her.

<sigh> Wow, that's rough. I agree, go to the picnic. If your mother-in-law chooses not to come because of it, or to exercise her perceived right to be unpleasant, well, hey, she can go for it. And she'll look bad to the people who she may very well feel should be her closest allies. After all, they're blood, and you're not and neither is your daughter (I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm just trying to understand what's going on inside her head).

Anyway, her behavior definitely looks like misplaced jealousy. Sounds to me that once your husband gets into a stable, legally sanctioned relationship, e. g. his first marriage, your marriage, the birth of your son, etc., Mom freaks. Why? Well, my guess is that it's because it's an independent body (the government) that says that she's no longer #1 in your husband's life. Yeah, it's ridiculous, but that's the way it looks from here. It just seems like she's fine with him and his choices, so long as they don't get in the way of her relationship with him - and, of course, life don't work that way.

Be strong, we're right behind you.

Sorry you're having to deal with this.

I agree with Noddy, sozobe, jp and jespah. By all means, go to the picnic, and enjoy spending time with the pleasant relatives. It will be good for your children (and you!) to see that you have nice relatives as well as the pouty ones. Ignore the MIL...let it be her choice to approach any of you. Then it will be obvious to everyone if she starts something. I agree...the relatives will be on your side. Besides, if she finds out you're all coming together, she may opt out.

SO happy to hear that your husband is supporting you on this.

Well, I don't feel as nervous now. I was thinking I would be the odd man out so to speak if I showed at the family function. However, you've all brought up a very valid point here and that is simply that SHE has made the choice to cut me out. I will go and hopefully things will go very smoothly and if not I suppose the best I can do is prepare myself as well as my daughter for what may happen.

My husband has been great. He's truly been the most supportive man I could have right now and I know I'm blessed for that.

We did speak in detail last night about things and he simply reminded me that HIS family is made up of myself and our children (he doesn't consider my daughter any different than our newborn). He did say one of the best qualities about me as a person is that I do try to make things right but that can't always be done.

I think right now for me it's soooooo hard not to send his Mom an email and check to see how she's doing or ask if she needs anything. Regardless of what she's said to me I still have that concern for her and can't seem to act as my husband has and just pretend she doesn't exist. I've struggled every day since all this happened because the biggest part of me wants to say something to her.......... but I have no idea what I'd even say. Besides that I'd probably get too emotional and cry and that may be what she's wanting. Silence for me is just so hard.

I do sincerely appreciate all the kind words and advice and it means a lot that there are people out there with such supportive attitudes that I've never even met! You guys are an awesome bunch!!!!

Golly

'Course your husband is right - you and the kids are his family. Just 'cause a DNA test would show him to not be your daughter's biological father doesn't mean he can't love and support her and act in every way like her father. I really wish his mother could see just how giving a gesture that really is - I would think that most mothers would be thrilled at raising a son as caring as he is. Hey, there's just no pleasing some people.

When you think of sending her an email, send one to a friend from school, or your husband, instead. Silence isn't easy - you're used to being there and being helpful, but this is helpful. You can do it!

Right, jes.

Don't let one stinker cut you and your children off from the rest of the family. It sounds like you have other, more agreeable relatives. You should spend time with them....it's good for your kids to see that not all relatives are like the MIL. Besides, it's YOUR family, too, and your KIDS' family. Why let her take that away?

Your husband is not only a gem and a jewel, he is a very wise man. You can't improve someone else's behavior--and there are more ways to kill a cat than choking it to death with cream.

Next move belongs to mama-in-law--please keep us posted. Have you entered her in The State Fair in the Difficult Family competition? She sounds like a blue ribbon bitch.

Hold your dominion.

Well after I thought all would blow over we heard another side of this long story from my husbands biological father. He claims he can provide people that will back him on the issue that were present 30 years ago when this took place but supposedly they have since cut the MIL out of their lives as well due to her actions.

FIL says that when MIL found out she was pregnant at 25 her first response was an abortion. She supposedly told him that she didn't want to be tied down and that she had other things she wanted to do with her life and having a child was not one of them. Well, FIL felt otherwise and adores children.... (married 3 times and has 6 kids now). But at any rate FIL decided to tell his mom the good news as he saw it and once the news was out there was no turning back for my MIL. She felt as though she was then trapped and could not go through with her plans as she had wanted to she continued with the pregnancy and only FIL and one of her close friends knew of her true feelings. FIL thought once she gave birth things would change and she would realize it all worked out for the good.
Well, after she had my husband she went into what FIL thought was a depression. When my husband was 6 weeks old she left a note for FIL that said basically......... you wanted him........ you keep him. She took off for a week and FIL was left with the baby. She then called him from a payphone a week later stoned, drunk and broke and begged him back. She said she'd made a mistake and wanted to work things out so FIL that was still in love said ok and took her back in. Well, things ended up lasting between the two of them til hubby was about 4 years old and they finally divorced because MIL would get drunk and get in huge fights with FIL and finally FIL left. She then hooked up with what is now hubbys adopted dad and from there they stayed married about 3 years, she convinced adopted Dad to adopt her son and give him his last name. He did then shortly after she asked for a divorce and this husband was then responsible for paying child support on him. After this she dated many men but nothing would ever last for very long and she would run the men away after a few months of dating and for the most part of my husbands life he says she would drink at least 2 gallons of Vodka a week.

I knew the last part of the story about how the Dad situation came to be but had no idea about MIL wanting to have an abortion. As a Mom of two beautiful children that I ADORE, I'm shocked and almost sickened. I haven't told hubby what I know and I'm not sure it's the best thing for him to find this out. I am however worried that one day this will come to light and it will crush him. He's having such a hard time now dealing with the realization that his own Mom can simply cut him out of her life... if he found this out I'm afraid it would be more than he can handle. Should I sit on the information I have and let things be as they are OR does hubby have the given right to know what actually took place and how things came to be as they now are?????

I wouldn't tell him. It would serve no good purpose, just cause him pain. And he's dealing with enough pain from his mother already.

Should make it somewhat easier to distance yourself from her, though.