Those Who Rewrite History

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I've probably hit on this before but please bear with me. I'm so at a lost when confronted with this phenomenon that I end tongue-tied and baffled by it and never seem to know the right thing to do or say.

Do you have people that you are close with, family, good friends, those you've known for many, many years and have shared life with, who recount a past situation to you that is simply not truth? I mean, they paint themselves so differently (better, stronger, more mature) than they actually were, and it's like what you recall and what they claim to recall are two entirely different versions of the same event.

I have a friend who was so desperate to get married by the time she was 30 that she hooked up with her next door neighbor, a man that was clearly not on her level in any way, shape or form. I told her this when I first met him and remember it in particular because it's not an easy thing to say to someone about the person that they 'love.' I also remember having discussions with her about why she felt such a need to get married by 30. This was the 80's. That idea was totally archaic by then and it stands out to me to this day because she was the only friend or acquaintance I had who still felt that way, humiliation at being 30 and single. She ended up giving him an ultimatum to either marry her or get out of her life. He told her that he didn't want to get married but he eventually caved and their wedding was a big, splashy affair.

Do I need to tell you that after sixteen years of struggle and REAL humiliation, she finally let that loser go? But now she tells a completely different story, saying that getting married back then was no big deal to her and she was happy being a single woman and this is just not true. Not true at all. I was there. I remember how desperate she was.

What do you do in situations like this? How do you tell someone that you remember their life differently than they do? Especially if they're propping themselves up in their version and all you'll do is knock the prop out from under them by recounting your version?

I have a few longstanding relationships with people who have started doing this. Seems like the older we get, the more their past is changing and it blows my mind. What difference would lying about your history make in your life today? It's not a job interview. We're just kicking around some memories and then out of the blue, they start lying.

I want to tell them to save the fairy tales for someone who wasn't there. Is it worth it, tho? Or is it smarter to just let it go? And then let it irritate YOU.

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eoe, you don't tell a friend you remember their life differently. Not unless the delusion might lead to real harm. It's best to let it go and if it irritates you move slowly away to more honest friends.

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I'm with panzade. Unless the person is creating a situation where the factual information is significant to someone else there is no point in bursting their bubble.

(A lot of people do this sort of thing as a coping/defensive mechanism. It's easier for them to accept that things were never good than to accept that they may have failed at something that was important to them.)

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It also is tricky in terms of how memory works. The first time they said it, they knew they were bending the truth, but it made 'em feel better. The second time they said it, the memory of the first time kinda influenced their "actual" memory. The third time they said it, their memory became even more influenced by the story. And on it goes, a sort of internal game of telephone.

Memories are quite malleable.

(I've touched on it here before I think, but my dad does this all the time, and so it's something I've read up on and thought about a lot. From my perspective, he's out-and-out lying -- but I can tell he really actually believes this, and is just flabbergasted when evidence to the contrary [when there is evidence] materializes.)

I agree there's not much you can or should do about it, though. Especially if she's trying to re-cast herself as a stronger, less desperate person -- those are good things.

I also agree with what fishin' and panzade are saying about if there is a practical effect, that's different -- like, I dunno, she's going too far too fast with a new guy while insisting there's no bad precedent.

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This is something I have a lot of experience with. More than likely, your friend knows in retrospect that she was desperate and wishes to God she hadn't made a mess of things because of it. She's retelling it to herself more than to you. I guess I'd just let it go.

When it's my mother, however, not so easily let go...

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(Perhaps seeing part of why I find FreeDuck simpatico...)

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You can pick your friends but you can't pick your parents...a whole different ballgame. It's led to near-estrangement in our family.

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Dja ever just wanna say " whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? "

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Eoe - I used to have a boyfriend who I dated for about 7 or 8 years. He used to do this. I think he wanted to make himself sound better than he was or it was an ego thing. He once told me to lie about why he was leaving a job and where he was going if anyone asked. The thing is, in my opinion, why he was left and where he was going was nothing at all to be ashamed of - it was a good job, with good opportunities, but he wanted them to think for whatever reason that he was going on the Graduate School.

The way I handled one situation where he did this was as follows. After I split with him, he told a mutual friend that he broke up with me. I started laughing, but I should not have been surprised after some stories he told other people in front of me. We were basically drifting apart and there were several big events that we were supposed to attend together so I believe neither of us said anything since we had so many major mutual plans. Then I went on vacation with the girls, met a hot guy, had a great time with him and when I returned I told him I was going to see other people. He did not seem heart broken, but he did seem shocked. I guess saving his ego was more important than the truth. The way I told our mutual friend was in such a way as to be truthful, but to hold my former boyfriend's ego in tact. Which was that we were drifting apart and neither one of us seem interested in our relationship any longer, so I suggested we start dating other people.

I agree with the others - some people like my former boyfriend need to keep their ego in tact. It gives them a certain amount of comfort.

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Yeah, probably it's about ego, but truth is all so relative, sometimes... The essence of something is often its truth, not the actual events which unfolded which were the facts... I keep thinking of that movie, "Big Fish," which is all about the essence that makes a story real and true...

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Soz - it must be a dad thing, my dad does it all the time. It is quite amusing actually how his stories change over time. They get even more and more from the truth each time he tells it.

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Discretion is the better part of valor. If it doesn't hurt anyone keep your mouth shut.

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au1929 said what i was gonna say! so did ehbeth! i'm not sure how close this particular friend is...if it was someone whom i rarely see, i'd just play along like au1929 says. if it were my sister or a close friend i'd probably say: "say what?" like ehbeth suggested.

my mom was emotionally abused by both of her parents from birth -age 18...years later when mom tried to talk with gmom about it...gmom had a completely different (and much sunnier) memory of those years. now, that has bugged mom for years.

one of those buggers in life i guess.

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Sorry I haven't been back to comment. Busy, busy, busy.

I am, indeed, very close with these people and it disturbs me because hell, they know I was there, why lie to me? If they have to change the story, why don't they change it with someone who doesn't know any different instead of with someone who most definitely knows? That's the part I don't get. But reading your comments, I guess it's common for people to do this and it's best to just let it slide since they really aren't hurting anyone. Still, allowing someone to lie to you, just to pump themselves up, is very hard.

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eoe--

When people distort reality--either on purpose or inadvertantly to protect fragile egos--I feel very uncomfortable.

To me the person who rewrites history is announcing that his/her need trumps reality.

This is frightening, even when the intent is not malicious.

I don't quibble about details of the past--but I do withdraw trust.

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Definitely on the trust thing.

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Thanks for simplifying it, noddy. His or her need trumps reality. That's it in a nutshell. And it is frightening. And sad. It breaks my heart that people I care for are so hung up about things they may have done in the past. I mean, we've all made mistakes, screwed up, shamed ourselves, at some point in our lives. So what?

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...and those who do not remember the past are doomed to repeat it.

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Absolutely! You'd better recognize a mistake otherwise, you're bound to make it twice.

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, I will give it one last shot. Almost everybody embellishes. If it satisfies their need and does no harm why make an issue of it. Being right is not always "right." And I would add that satisfies your need.

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Those Who Rewrite History

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