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Is it just me or my poor luck in dating?

 
 
Thu 15 Sep, 2016 10:51 am
I will start out by describing the scenario. I am a 25 year old guy who was born in a country where LGBT people are still looked down upon. Being in the closet, I could hardly land dates with guys. I was never into hookups and still believe in the dating culture.

Last year, I moved to the States. I once again dived into the world of online dating and made profiles on sites like OkCupid and POF. After one year, I am still single and struggling to find love.

I have been told that I am good looking, smart, fun to be with and I get compliments on a regular basis from guys. Though, when it comes to dates, people who initiate a conversation suddenly lose interest in me and stop chatting with me. I have been on a few dates but was either friend zoned after a couple of dates or there was never a second date. What surprises me the most is that the guys really seemed interested in me initially and even the dates were fun.

At first, I thought it is a coincidence that guys initiate chat with me and suddenly stop chatting. However, I seem to be caught in a time loop where the same cycle repeats itself over and over again. My morale is at an all time low and I don't feel confident enough to approach a guy anymore.

It is not that a handful of guys seem to be interested in me. I get a lot of messages on daily basis on dating apps. However, I don't respond to any guy to whom I don't feel attracted to as I have experienced going on dates with guys I was not attracted to and it ended up being a bad experience for both sides. I want love but that does not mean that I would settle for someone I am not attracted to because in the long run, I would be doing injustice to the guy as well as myself. Some of you might call this a shallow behavior but attraction matters to me.

I cannot understand why guys leave all of a sudden when they show so much interest initially. I need advice as to what I should do in order to have a successful dating experience. I have been patient for last 3 years but now with each day, I seem to be giving up on love.
 
jespah
 
  3  
Thu 15 Sep, 2016 11:35 am
@NextDoorGuy,
Maybe do something other than use dating apps.

Things are fortunately more open here in the states. You could join a Meetup group either specifically for the LGBT community or maybe just for whatever it is you like to do. Or some other organization or group which does what you find is fun, whether that's crocheting or Ironman triathlons.

And have fun! Everybody knows somebody, so be nice to everyone.

Bottom line: you're currently fishing in only one pond. Fish in a few ponds for better odds.
PUNKEY
 
  3  
Thu 15 Sep, 2016 12:05 pm
"I want love but that does not mean that I would settle for someone I am not attracted to because in the long run, I would be doing injustice to the guy as well as myself. Some of you might call this a shallow behavior but attraction matters to me."

Perhaps YOU are not as attractive as YOU think, huh?

Seriously, at 25, you should know that there is more to a person than "attractiveness".

Dig deeper, friend.
NextDoorGuy
 
  3  
Thu 15 Sep, 2016 11:33 pm
@jespah,
Thanks for your advice jespah. I have joined meetup groups in my city and so I am trying my best to not just limit my search to online apps.
0 Replies
 
NextDoorGuy
 
  2  
Thu 15 Sep, 2016 11:45 pm
@PUNKEY,
"Perhaps YOU are not as attractive as YOU think, huh?"

Well, I don't consider myself super attractive or drop dead handsome. What I do know is that I am a decent looking guy.

"Seriously, at 25, you should know that there is more to a person than attractiveness ."

Friend, you should have read my whole post before commenting this. I have been on dates with people with whom I was not attracted to but things didn't work out. The looks are not the only criterion for me but yes, they are one of the criteria for me. I value emotional connection as well. If a guy has got the looks but I don't feel a connection, I would not be dating him just because he looks good. I like the balance of attraction and emotional connection.

Like I said, my statement about attractiveness might appear shallow to some people, but we all have different viewpoints and perspectives on things.
0 Replies
 
Eliusa
 
  -3  
Fri 16 Sep, 2016 02:23 pm
@NextDoorGuy,
Example of what you saying would be helpful.
Picture would be helpful. Anything else would be helpful.
Remember Sex in the City when Sharlotte met this guy who liked her face and she said 'it is not good' and he said 'what do you mean? Its MY THING!

So you have to hear what people are saying or look at people's faces.
Do you have narcissic complex when you think you are IT but people think you are annoying? Sound like it. Your culture maybe giving you perception of yourself as a best thing after sliced bread but in reality you just a blah nothing to do with dude! Maybe get modest. I don't know how gay stuff works but I am pretty sure no one likes cocky!
0 Replies
 
ludhiyaparker
 
  0  
Sat 17 Sep, 2016 05:37 am
@NextDoorGuy,
you can't just give up on love, cause love exists forever. try again and again.
NextDoorGuy
 
  0  
Sat 17 Sep, 2016 05:57 pm
@ludhiyaparker,
Thanks Smile I haven't given up and still trying. Let's see what's in store.
0 Replies
 
johne sapien
 
  0  
Sun 18 Sep, 2016 07:00 pm
@NextDoorGuy,
The fact is, we never give up on the concept of love and "finding the (right) one." In the genre of "singles looking for love," our tastes only ever evolve in cadence with who we are in each chapter of our lives and the trials we deal with in the times that we have allowed ourselves to be vulnerable.

Just so we're level, I have explored dating in many aspects but hold true to the much more intimate, classical approach and blend it with the pace and expectation of what modern dating actually is right now. When it comes to the topic of online dating/app dating, we are essentially shopping for the "right fit" in our men based on the way we "market ourselves" through the various profiles we will eventually play with in this time of our lives.

Finding someone "unattractive" because of how we (as an individual) perceives their beauty, is honest and nothing to be ashamed of. (But of course, if you're writing someone off because of their big nose or average body -- then yes, that shallow.) At some point in time we will be on the top of the "attractive" food chain, and at some point in time we will be on the bottom of it. We all get rejected and we all eventually reject someone else the same. It's being honest to your tastes and what will extend the longevity of your romances, not to mention heightening the connection. We just all hope to God it's mutual lol.

When it comes to the ultimate end goal of your query, the real question you have to begin asking is, how much of yourself and your standards are you compromising just for your ideal "physically beautiful" type of guy? We have all done it at least once at this point in our twenties, and have overlooked what it was about them that -- beyond clothes, status, etc. -- really captured us in the first place. If it all seems to be ending the same way as consistently, dive into the pool of men you have seen/dated, and challenge yourself in their ultimate worth to you and your happiness (as well as the extent of time it took for everything between the two of you to dissipate). Not in who they are now, but who (or what) they have the potential to become in the future. Does it agree with you? If not, is it someone that's worth putting as much energy into in this way? Spending money on outfits and nice dinners is cute, but it's key to begin to equate the potential failure of our endeavors to the cost of valuable time and energy being compromised in pursuit of someone/something as inconsequential.

Dating, with a constant hope for love is much more detrimental than most people realize. Your heightened states of emotions will tend to seek after every facet about someone that you can connect with to be your "ideal," and tends to skew the real image of the man that is sitting across the table. More often than not, we place a lot of our failures in people who have hurt us, instead of taking responsibility for allowing ourselves to let them be as much of a part of our lives to begin with.

It's important to remember that love does not wait for anyone. Instead, it stumbles upon our lives and begs to be nurtured. You're either ready for it, or you're not. Again, we can only ever hope to God that it's mutual.




0 Replies
 
tictacti
 
  -1  
Tue 27 Sep, 2016 02:02 pm
@NextDoorGuy,
It's pretty easy to figure out where the problem is lying. Are you also turning down offers, or are you only getting turned town? If you are turning down as many or more offers, then you're probably totally dateable. You might act a little overly excited when you get attracted to someone if it's a rare occurrence.

If you're pretty much only getting turned down, then I'd take a step back. It likely has something to do with you. Of course you want to be your self, but maybe watch some dating advice videos from well-known gurus on YouTube.
0 Replies
 
 

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