My husband and I have been married for only 7 months but the longer that I am with him I wonder why I really married him in the first place. I used to believe that love conquered all but now I'm not so sure. We are complete opposites but it goes a little to the extreme. My main goal in life is to have a career that pays more than the average person makes and his goal is just to be married and have children. We do not share the same interests in almost anything and we have a very hard time finding things to do together that we both enjoy. I find myself not wanting to spend time with him and trying to escape to my grandmother's house just to get away from him and escape unpleasant situations. He is genuinly a sweet guy but that's about all that he has going for him. We live in a three bedroom house with three cats and a dog. He came from a home where his mother waited on him hand and foot and he was spoiled rotten. To this day whenever we go to his mother's house she makes his plate of food, brings it to him, and then cleans up after him. The first four months of our marriage he did not work because he didn't want a job. I just found out that was why he didn't work. He told me that when he said he was going to go out job hunting he would just go to two places and put in his application and then take himself out to eat with money that his parents had given him. It steamed me so bad because now I'm in a tight financial situation and he keeps nagging me about having to support us for 1 month when I have paid for everything for the most part of our relationship. All that he ever wants to do is sit at home and play video games all day long. He knew when we got married that I don't like porn and handed all of his tapes over to me to be destroyed. Then I watched him delete all of the porn off of his computer and delete the bookmarks and favorites. Today I snooped a bit and found some sites and videos on his computer again. I know I shouldn't snoop but things are rocky as it is. Our intimacy is not on a good level either. He had to go to the doctor for ED which I'm fairly sure stemed from his over watching of porn before he met me, because the two times that I've ever watched porn with me he had no problem getting an erection without his medicine. We are only intimate about once a month now. Half of it is because he only likes to make love about once evbery two weeks and the other half is because the things that he says and does turns me off so easily. I guess I really don't want to sleep with him anymore. It's not that I don't find him physically attractive, it's just that the lies about the porn turn me off to no extent. I don't know how to handle the issue but I'll probably just ignore it for now and stay to myself. I'm beginning to think that marriage is a bad idea. It rips away everything that makes being in a relationship fun. I don't want to come home because he'll be there wanting to be affectionate and I'll I am able to think about is how he likes porn, and has no ambition, and can't do anything for himself. The first four months of our marriage I nearlly went insane walking behind him picking up after him like a child. What is happiness? Maybe I was just mismatched. We didn't live with each other before we married and now I know that was my biggest mistake. I am old fashioned and completely against divorce but I realize that I spend most of my time unhappy and cranky. Any advice would help. If I told the full story it would take many pages so I'll leave it at this. He is not a horrible person though. He's a good, kind person that I know wouldn't cheat on me ever. We're just so different. Any advice would help.
How long did you know your husband before you married? You didn't see any red flags beforehand?
I think you should give your relationship a chance by communicating your feelings to each other and possibly consider counseling.
No relationship is perfect, because people aren't perfect, you will always have issues or problems to be resolved.
It doesn't sound like you knew each other very well prior to your marriage, so perhaps that's a good place to start, getting to know each other.
Good luck!
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angie
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Sat 18 Sep, 2004 10:24 pm
stoneylee, you wrote: "My main goal in life is to have a career that pays more than the average person makes and his goal is just to be married and have children. We do not share the same interests in almost anything and we have a very hard time finding things to do together that we both enjoy."
YOU MARRIED THIS GUY !!! WHY ?
In all honesty, stoney, it sounds as if your "marriage" is already over. I would suggest the two of you speak with a marriage counselor asap to see if you are both willing to do the work that will be necessary to save, or I should say, "create" an actual marriage. My guess is there is just not enough to build upon, and it would be better for both of you to move on, especially before you become pregnant.
re: divorce. It's not the worst thing in the world to walk away from a relationship that cannot work. Staying in such a relationship would be hurtful and destructive. "God" would not want that for you, right ?
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angie
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Sat 18 Sep, 2004 10:38 pm
you asked : "what is happiness?"
Volumes have been written on this question. There is no "answer".
I once read a quote I loved: "Happiness is a journey, not a destination." Many people make the mistake of thinking of happiness as something that comes with acquiring a certain object, or reaching a certain status, or having a certain type of relationship.
It makes more sense to me to think of happiness as a movement through life, moment by moment, learning who we are and how we relate to all the beautiful expressions of life around us, our appreciation for every day as a gift, valuing our special connections to people we care about.
I'm not sure any of that will help you, or even make sense.
Don't work too hard trying to find an answer to your question. The truth is, whether you can define happiness or not, you will surely know when you "feel" it.
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Hollywood
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Sat 18 Sep, 2004 11:08 pm
stoney honey....7 mos? dump him and meet someone else and in a few years you won't even remember this guy's face.
Sorry if I'm being blase about your situation, but I'm trying to make that decision after 32 years. There's a whole lot more to consider.
Don't be idealistic.
Be a Realist.
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stoneylee
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Sat 18 Sep, 2004 11:40 pm
thank you for all of your replies
I dated my husband for a year before we got married. When we first met he swept me off of my feet by taking me out to a nice resteraunt and paying for everything. I had never been treated so well before. He is very handsome and as soon as I met him I knew that I was going to marry him. Unfortunatly after we got married I wasn't sure if it would last forever. We fought on our wedding day and all throughout our honey moon. When I met my husband he had a good job and was going to college. Everything has rapidly rolled downhill since then. He didn't even give me a Christmas present the first year that we were together. I honestly don't know why I thought that he was so great. Probably because he was the first guy that I ever dated that didn't smoother me and that needed his own space too. His parents were way too good to be true and he had his own house . . . provided by his parents. I think that I stepped into the marriage for the wrong reasons. I feel trapped now and I want to work it out so bad, but I fear the worst. Thank you for your posts I really appreciate your responses. It's nice to have advice from others when going through these rocky times. I never really look at marriage counseling as an option, probably because I've had a bad experience with counselers before. Divorce seems so drastic though, especially in this day and age where marriage really has no strong meaning anymore. I keep telling myself that if I finish the first year I'll know for sure if it's right or not because they say that the first year is always the hardest and that if you make it through that then you're set to go. Then again I've also heard that the first 7 years are the hardest *laughs* That's a doozy. I think if I got divorced that I would never marry again because marriage truly does change things.
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stoneylee
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Sun 19 Sep, 2004 09:48 am
tonight
Tonight I think we're going to work on the porn issue. I found a bunch of magazines and threw them in the garbage next to his computer. It's either them or me, and I honestly won't feel bad if I have to leave.
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Noddy24
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Sun 19 Sep, 2004 02:01 pm
stoneylee--
Good luck. Changing the rules of a marriage changes the nature of a marriage.
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Jesusgirl22
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Sun 19 Sep, 2004 03:48 pm
I have to repeat the question....you married him because????
The ballgame is in its infancy. Personally I think I'd walk.
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angie
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Sun 19 Sep, 2004 04:33 pm
you wrote "I think that I stepped into the marriage for the wrong reasons"
BINGO.
You're not marrying his family. And he had a house that was GIVEN to him, not that he earned.
You did not give yourself a chance to get to know him. The first few months of a new relationship are always wonderful; it's what happens after that gives a better indication of compatability.
It really does sound as if this relationship is over. It also sounds as if that might not be a bad thing at all. Now that you have had this experience, you will be a better judge of what you really need in your next relationship.
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blueveinedthrobber
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Sun 19 Sep, 2004 04:43 pm
happiness is the thing they're always dangling in front of you to keep you pulling the plow.....
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PamO
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Sun 19 Sep, 2004 05:32 pm
Ohboy, ohboy, ohboy. I'm with Hollywood on this one. Honestly, what you have described is a momma's boy high on himself. He sounds like a complete spoiled brat...and I do not think you can or should re-wire the guy.
There is some lucky lady (Not you!) out there who would love to support him and wipe his butt and let him be a general louse of a husband...and she would love it!
Be done with him.
Come back for advice on how to do it, sweets. And welcome!
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ossobuco
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Sun 19 Sep, 2004 06:40 pm
You do have a wish, I can hear, to make it work, and you might be willing to go through the difficult business of making yourselves a couple, but it really doesn't seem that he does want to - and your differences seem major as starting material.
He may be reacting against your and possibly parental expectations, people do get rebellious, and have his own idea of comfort to explore (kids, no work?) But to give him a bit of credence, maybe he is paralyzed and startled and doesn't know what he wants to do. And perhaps sort of depressed. I am just guessing here.
Me, being me now, I'd stop it and move on.
My keenest wish is that you not get pregnant to see if that would help. That would only multiply the difficulty at this point.
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stoneylee
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Sun 19 Sep, 2004 11:17 pm
issues
I will not ever have children with him because of many reasons. It was a large argument in the beginning but he finally gave in when he realized it just wasn't going to happen. I confronted him about the pornography today and he said that he would stop watching it if it bothered me that much. I didn't confess that I found out by snooping so I will be able to check up on him in about a month to see if he is lying or not. If he lies then I will divorce him. Being lied to tops my list of pet peeves. I believe that in order for any marriage to work there has to be honesty. I know that he loves me deeply and was hurt that I confessed that I think that he will lie about it considering that he has kept other things from me before. I have issues with trust though, which I can honestly admit. I've been stabbed in the back too many times to trust or believe what anyone says, including my family and friends . . . but that is another issue. I appreciate all of the posts that I have recieved. They have been very helpful in me deciding what steps that I need to take, when to take them, what's really important, and what is not. Thankyou all so much.
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ossobuco
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Mon 20 Sep, 2004 12:55 am
Ok, girl, check back in and let us know how things go.
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ehBeth
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Mon 20 Sep, 2004 10:57 am
Re: issues
stoneylee wrote:
I didn't confess that I found out by snooping so I will be able to check up on him in about a month to see if he is lying or not. If he lies then I will divorce him. Being lied to tops my list of pet peeves. I believe that in order for any marriage to work there has to be honesty.
You didn't confess that you found out by snooping.
You believe that in order for any marriage to work there has to be honesty.
If he lies then you will divorce him.
Sounds like you just signed the death warrant on this relationship yourself. I'm not sure who I feel worse for, based on what you described. It does sound as if you deserve each other.
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PamO
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Mon 20 Sep, 2004 04:45 pm
that was harsh, ehbeth...and i know you mean it. from your previous posts, i know that you don't agree with snooping wives. and usually i consider it to be beneath us women to do it, BUT...
in the author's case, i'm glad she snooped before years pass and children enter in to the picture.
snoop again in a month, hon. find out what you need, and get rid of the slovenly, bratty, bum, and send him back to his momma.
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Jesusgirl22
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Mon 20 Sep, 2004 04:53 pm
I agree with Pam. If men gave us no reason to snoop, we wouldn't have to resort to it.
I know of at least one marriage that almost failed but was ultimately saved because a certain wife listened in on the other end of a phone call in the middle of the night. (The audacity of the bitch calling at such an hour in the first place. And thank God for extension phones.)
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stoneylee
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Mon 20 Sep, 2004 07:38 pm
snooping
I agree that snooping isn't healthy either but I feel that it is almost necessary considering that he has lied to me before and the way that I found out last time . . . was through suspicions which led to snooping. If I hadn't snooped I know I would have never found out because he naturally wanted to avoid a bad reaction. Unfortunately for him, finding out that he had lied to me caused an even worse reaction. Sometimes snooping is the only way to find out what's really going on behind the scenes when you're not there. There shouldn't be any secrets in marriage. If he wanted to tear everything that I own apart then I would let him because I don't have anything to hide. He could do it behind my back and I wouldn't care because of that fact.
When I talked to him about completely quiting looking at porn he reacted angrily by saying that I'm trying to change him. All I'm really trying to do is weed out his bad habits.
I do love him alot, despite how my past angry posts have made it sound. I don't really want a divorce. I just think that since I pull the vast majority of the weight in our relationship as far as having ambition, bringing home the bacon, and cleaning the house that he should be willing to follow some basic moral rules in exchange for him getting to lazy around and be a bum. I guess what I'm trying to say is that for everything that I do to keep him in leisure I should deserve at least the small things that I request in return that should be common since in a marriage with someone who has high moral values anyway.
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ossobuco
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Mon 20 Sep, 2004 08:03 pm
Well, I hope you two can get some counselling. Your differences are large and your effort to mold his behavior to your expectations seems unlikely to me to be successful.
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