He Has a Girlfriend

'even though he isn't in love with her."

Then it should be easy for him to let her go, huh?

Time will tell.

You're so right. Actions are stronger than words. His are just so conflicting I both directions.

I think you underestimate the difficulty in ending a current relationship, especially when a new one starts in the way yours did.

This assumes he is actually cares about the people he is involved with. I've been in his position and If I was just looking for the 'best' thing I could find then yeah, it would be easy to just dump the old one and drive on. If that's the kind of guy you want, I'd dump you.

But if he is the kind of person worth being with, you just might have screwed up royally.

Your reply has given me a lot to think about. I reacted emotionally and am now able to process things logically. He is a good man and I am sure his girlfriend is a good person, as well. My fear is, if I were to continue with him, to still be in this situation in a year.

Continuing for a year in a situation that you are unhappy in should not be a part of how you handle it. If what you are sharing with him is real, the path ahead should be clear without either of you pushing the other.

I hope you will be open to alternative relationships as well. Encounters with people we really connect with are all too rare to throw away just because we can't 'have' them for ourselves.

Are you sure he has a "girlfriend" and not a wife?

I feel your pain! I'm in the same situation, but I have not ended it.

How are you doing?

WOW! All of a sudden you are understanding and supportive!
Why? Because she is not a wife but a girlfriend?
So cheating is ok when you are not married?

I disagree with Leadfoot on a number of levels. Mostly because there is no good way to end a relationship, unless both people are in the same place (which is rare). So then, if he truly loves you, why isn't he letting go of her as gently as he can? If he truly cared about her, would he want to keep leading her on?

Certainly if he was truly concerned about hurting her, as he claims, then he wouldn't have started an affair with you.

In all of the above, you were at one stage unknowing, but the same can't be said for him.

Also, there's the particular matter of being true to your principles. People who sacrifice their principles, usually end up both unhappy, and angry towards the person who 'made' them sacrifice their principles (that is, both themselves, and the other person). Your principles are beliefs that you admire. When seen in yourself, they give you something that you find admirable about yourself. Breaking those principles, can result in self recrimination, bitterness, and it always lowers your self esteem.

If you wonder about the value of self esteem - those who possess it:
- try to elevate others (vs those who try to drag other people down),
- put time and thought into both themselves, and other people
- almost never see a reason for violence or put downs,
- understand that other peoples aggression towards them is more about who that person is (and so, they don't feel the need to fight pettiness with pettiness...but tend to engage is more thoughtful, yet assertive, conflict management)
- engage in far less double standards & are more honest with themselves
- find that material wealth is no where near as valuable as happiness, or other people
- all of the above benefits of self esteem enhances ones happiness
- the opposites undermine happiness


If you look around, you will observe the negatives of breaking your principles consistently - happening in those who consistently break their principles.

Do you really want that?

Or would you prefer that he came to you as a single person, who wants to be with you, and only you....caring for you by helping keep your principles intact, and not wanting behaviour from you that would damage your self esteem?

I think that if he is a real man, he will think on all of this and make a decision as not to loose you, but can he find you, is the question.

It can be iffy as well to be in a comfort zone and trust an on-line romance to not just be a fling of sorts.

There would be a lot for him to think about, my concern is his answer, " struggling with hurting anyone" . Then, does he assume that that weekend was just a thing, he wouldn't be hurting you if he walked now.

Is there an avenue of going back on line and seeing if he contacts you, un-block that part for a few weeks and see if he's actually good at communication at all and can talk like an Adult about this with you.

Lastly, he still cheated. Both emotionally, mentally and physically on this girl, his, girlfriend.

Can you truly trust someone to enter your life and not do that to you, having easily done that without guilt. I mean doing that and her finding out would hurt her, so how can he make such a blanket statement.