Sexless marriage - need help

Well, you kinda were in a bad place.

Question: was everything hunky dory before you got married? Or did you see signs beforehand?

We haven't been sexually active with each other for a few years. I knew the situation when I got married and accepted that. I had a moment of weaknesses that I will regret for the rest of my life.

Then try counseling, either by yourself or as a couple. Talk through about both of your expectations for a happy and healthy relationship with an impartial professional.

Have to ask.

Is your husband ok with your seeking sex elsewhere?

He might be just fine with it.

Thank you for your advice. I feel I need to talk through my issues with a counsellor alone.

Sounds like you and your husband need to sit down and talk seriously about this.

Maybe you can do this on your own or maybe you need a counsellor to help facilitate the discussion.

If your husband is unwilling to have sex with you, he's going to have to deal with the reality of you having sex with other people. Sex is part of a healthy adult relationship with a partner.

Since the relationship had become nonsexual prior to marriage, did you discuss what both of you were going to do about your sexual needs after the marriage?

He had mentioned before about the idea... but I firmly believe that marriage is a commitment for life and that includes being faithful..I feel that I failed my marriage today with my selfish weakness. Is it common for people to cheat? I feel like I've made a mockery of my vows.

" I feel like I've made a mockery of my vows."

What vows? Love, honor and obey - but that it would not include a HUGE part of intimacy?

You made a promiset that you can't keep.

Surely, you have let your husband know that this is unbearable.

did you make a vow of celibacy?

It's not common to be celibate within your marriage.

I don't mean this as rude, but why did you marry him? You love him as a person. You expect to avoid sexuality for the next 50 years?

Well then, you've pretty much got his ok, of course depending on the person.

But you want to shoulder/enjoy the guilt about all this, so go at it.

Seems your husband isn't considering this infidelity, so why should you?

What are you afraid of, falling for somebody else? And please don't give the same answer about being commited to life and being faithful. That's just a catch-all phrase/excuse.

Look deeper, what is it beyond that superficial reason that's really bothering you about doing something your spouse (let's assume here for a minute) doesn't have a real objection to?

You'll fall for someone else?
You'll be resentful someone else is giving you something he can't/won't?
You want to live up to some impossible standard that's in your mind?

You know you can easily hook up for anonymous sex, that won't involve any emotions or commitment.

No one can be all things to their partner, that's some fantasy made up by social mores and religion to "keep us in line" Whatever 2 (or more) people agree to is what they should do.

Were you raised Catholic by any chance?

Thank you for your advice. I'm angry with him that he won't give me what I need. I want to have a healthy sexual marriage just like everyone else. Because of my frustrations I've gone elsewhere and now I feel terrible about it.

I shouldn't do this I know. But I look at other married couples and envy what they seem to have. I know we don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I just want to have a happy healthy marriage and because of what I've done I'll know every time I look at him I've cheated. Like it's been tarnished.

I was raised Catholic. Maybe that has had played a big part in the way I think. I'm afraid that if I go down that road of having anonymous sex and hook ups with people that I haven't lived up to my side of the bargain of being faithful. I don't want that to sound cliche or like an excuse. Its now i really feel.

I spoke to my husband last night and told him I have needs and I want sex..he said that since we've been married he's never had any urge to have sex with any other person. Yet I do. If we were to start having sex then this urge would go away. But he's just not interested in me in that way.

So why did he go apaethic on his own sexuality drive? Did he tell you?

He sees nothing wrong with this picture. Why?

Has he ever gone to a Dr. for a checkup?

What are your ages?

(He's not an ex priest by any chance, is he?)

Well, I don't know what anyone can say to you except get counseling for yourself.

You're angry with him because you chose to go into a situation you knew beforehand. Not his problem.

You "shouldn't" feel this, you "shouldn't" do that. Who says? Oh yeah, "they".

"They" are always telling us how we should and shouldn't feel.

He may need to see a doctor about that.

I agree.

I think before anyone decides for sure they are asexual, they need to check to see if there are any hormonal or other problems.

Hi JJ,

I can relate to the frustration of being in a marriage where the sex has diminished to the point of almost if not complete no-existence. The first thing you need to do is get the thought of being a failure out of your head. It takes two people to make a relationship, but it only takes on to break it. From what you have shared, it sounds like your husband may have a low testosterone problem that needs to be addressed. I know that my husband has/had a similar issue and his low T caused him to have a non-existent sex drive. I was driven to the point of debating whether or not to go outside the marriage for satisfaction too. Fortunately, I chose to confront my husband with the issue before I went outside the relationship.

I am a monogamous person too, but there are needs that need to be met by your spouse that are just as important as your vows. We spoke about the potential of me seeking pleasuring outside the relationship if there was no resolution forthcoming. We frankly and bluntly discussed the possibility because it would probably have spelled the end of our relationship for him knowing that I was with another man. We agreed that he would get his testosterone levels checked, and as it turned out, he had extremely low levels. I was quite frankly amazed at how much of a difference testosterone makes in the sex drive of a man.

Even with the testosterone, his sex drive is still not as strong as mine. He has also stopped taking the testosterone, so it has diminished to almost non-existence again... but during all of this we discussed my needs. One of the compromises we came up with was that while he may not be able to perform as he once did, there is nothing wrong with other parts of his body that can perform. It was a compromise, it is far from perfect, but it has made the problem manageable for now. It is a continuing issue that I am not sure will ever go away as long as he is resistant to taking the testosterone, but it is something we take a day at a time.

My advice to you is to let him know your concerns. Let him know that your needs are not being met, and that they are important to you. You may also think about reading the book, The Five Love Languages, to see if you are getting your emotional needs met. I've found that part of the "need" for physical intimacy was because my emotional needs were not being met as well. After 17 years, it is very easy for our relationship to slide into the background and make me feel takin for granted.

Definitely seek counseling for yourself, and eventually for your marriage. You need to value yourself as much as you value your relationship. Don't beat yourself up for seeking outside your relationship to get your needs met. If you were starving, wouldn't you look at a different store if the one you regularly shop at had been out of food for the past several months? You're human, give yourself the right to make mistakes.

Think about what you want and need in a relationship. Figure out what are the minimums you are willing to live with... and don't allow yourself to accept anything less. You deserve to be happy. If what you need to be happy is more than he can provide, move on and find someone else. Someone else may be happy with what little he offers, but you don't have to settle for it.

Good luck,
Wolfie

Try talking about this with him.
If he cant satisfy your sexual desires, you need to find someone else to that.
See: this doesnt means you are emotionally attracted to other guys, it's a biological impulse for sexual fulfillment.