JUST AT A LOSS

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I wrote this letter to my husband yesterday and now he is not speaking to me. I just could not sit back in silence any longer. Is there anyway that I could have been nicer. Boy, I need someone to vent to.

Let me say a few things.

We had sex two weeks ago and it had been the first time in 1 year and 6 months.

He's been working but we have been struggling because he is not working a job that is steady.

He seems like he's so fragile but always wants to tell me and others what we should be doing and not heeding his own advice.

Here's the letter.

Well first I’m going to say that I love you. You are my family and your family is my family. I love our family.
Now for the serious stuff. I am very frustrated with how our life is after all these years. Our love life has really gone to ****. On my end it has a lot of reasons. Not wanting to kiss had to do with your breath. It started off with being turned down. Then resentment from being turned down. Then being turned off by being resentful. And now being turned off to coming home to a man that’s sat around the house all day. It’s very frustrating for you to ask me about Lyft when I’m already working 45 hours a week. What happened to the John that would go out and work a temp job, get up and go John. It’s not attractive.

Working. We moved to this County in 2009 and you have gone on not one interview. When I was going through my melt down and working limited hours; you had a fit, bashing me to your family about not making enough money and it was only for a couple of months. For over two years we have been struggling and you have sat around and done what seems like nothing to improve our situation. I find it very unsettling that you will scream you are being disrespected as a MAN; when you are doing very manly things in my opinion. I am not trying to hurt your feelings but I’m tired of holding my tongue.

The Car. I sat around for two years holding my tongue about a vehicle; because you jumped on the defensive every time I would mention getting another car instead of trying to fix the Pacifica. You would act like it was an all out attack on you. Me not speaking up is my fault. Me not speaking up and taking action helped dig us into a deeper whole.

You attempted to get our credit back on track and then it was all fucked back up because I had to sink $700 into renting a car instead of getting one like I asked you several times. That is not your fault. Again it’s my fault because instead of speaking up I backed down so I would not hurt your feelings as a man. Plus, the money your father sent you. Simply ridiculous then I just sat around and allowed it.

In this state of being a lot of **** has to change. If we are not good for each other and can’t uplift one another then why the hell are we wasting time just being together for no reason. Just to be miserable. I know I don’t make you happy either. I know this. This is just too ridiculous for words.

A long conversation with a mediator is needed and I’m going to set it up because next year this time, I AM NOT going to be in a fucked up marriage and unhappy and broke.

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Type: Question • Score: 4 • Views: 683 • Replies: 6

@WhyTonya,

Your husband sounds clinically depressed.

A loss of interest in sex and/or hygiene can often be a sign of that. His inactivity seems to bolster that theory.

NOTE: I am NOT a doctor.

So get him to one, even if he has to go kicking and screaming.

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@WhyTonya,

A grown man, even a clinically depressed one, cannot be dragged "kicking and screaming" to a doctor. He can be suggested to go - even strongly advised by several different people. But unless he's a clear, active danger to himself or others, his medical help (especially psychiatric) has to be volunteered for.

Having said that, I'm glad that you at least want to give seeking outside help a TRY. If you do all you can to get him to seek help with you and he won't go, you should be able to say goodbye with a clearer conscience.

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@WhyTonya,

Is there anyway that I could have been nicer?

Well.. for starters, that all was pretty harsh. I could see you throw in the ocasional "dont want you to feel like that" or sorta "sorry" here and there. But its outweighed and means nothing with all this bashing. Sounds like things are not perfect, but I would say there are a lot of ways to have been nicer. You are not happy. That's why you didn't write it with the agenda of being nice. It was just to get things out. Its a tough call. Ive written a letter like this and it never goes over well. Just have to talk in person. If as a guy, I read that, the biggest killer would be to hear she is unhappy and doesnt want a effd up marrage. I would look at all my flaws and see a screwed up marrage and it would be such a huge stress. Of course he isn't talking to you. He is a complete failure looser and burden in your life. And now he knows it cause its solid on paper. I wouldnt be surprised if he walks tbh

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@WhyTonya,

WhyTonya wrote:

Boy, I need someone to vent to.

probably true that you need/needed someone to vent to

it might have been better if you'd talked to someone else (a doctor/a friend/stranger on a forum) first

the letter was brutal - not surprising he's not speaking to you

a letter, laying out things, might have been a good way to go after a couple of mediated discussions

__

Maybe you could arrange for some counselling sessions for yourself to talk about this ...

Quote:

He seems like he's so fragile but always wants to tell me and others what we should be doing and not heeding his own advice.

and work out a good strategy for dealing with your partner and the relationship you find yourself in

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@gorff,

You could be right.
For years I have been being nice, smiling and bearing it. There was no real nice way to say any of that. I'm about to explode inside from being nice. If he walks, it would probably be for the best. We have been married for almost 20 years. I can't continue to shield a grown ass man; I see now the shielding wasn't being very nice to him or me.

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Congratulations - you have accepted co-responsibility for how your marriage has been for a very long time. You recognize your co-dependency.

Yes, he sounds depressed. Or he is a first class manipulator. Does he EVER show any excitement about ANYTHING?

This has been going on for a long time. It won't change overnight, so professional help is needed. Do you have access to marriage counseling services. INSIST that he go with you, but in case he won't, go yourself. You are going to need support in the future.
.

Now it's up to him to show you that he at least is willing to work on the issues. He seems totally in denial or at least very defensive about everything that is going on.

Good luck.

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JUST AT A LOSS

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