'passive death wish' - stuck in a rut

Ive been feeling like this on and off for a few months now - which feels like a life time. I'm not sure if anything triggered it but at the time my partner of 4 years started acting differently which started to make me panic. we had been on and off for 4 years as he has a mental illness and gets periods where he feels like he needs to be alone and break up with me. For all the 4 years i was there through everything with his depression and attempts of suicide which no one else knew about which was a burden but i just wanted to help him in any way i could and began to neglect myself and focused on him completely even though he would just drop me whenever he wanted. I think I subconsciously knew it was coming again and started to get random panic attacks feeling like I couldn't breathe. I would have about 4/5 a day and would often be woken in the night by them and it was becoming exhausting and I didn't feel like I could go on. I cut contact with him and focused on work and they seemed to calm down and I went months without having another one. We inevitably got back together and broke up again the other day. I also have a broken family where everyone has fallen out and no longer talks. My mum kicked me out when I was 15 and would only have contact with me when she had split with her boyfriend and then would drop me again. I don't like being around my dads girlfriend shes always in a bad mood snapping at everyone and she really brings out my anxiety. This doesn't help my current situation of being back from uni for the summer where I literally wont leave my room all day because I don't want to see her. I have a lot of free time and only work weekends so I don't have anything to keep me occupied. I feel like I'm awkward and find it hard to make new friends as much as I would love too and I feel like the few friendships I do have are very one sided with only me asking to see them. I don't know if this is depression along the spectrum but I have no value for my life and find peace in thinking of not being around anymore, I don't feel like I have anything to live for but, I'm not sure if I'm suicidal because I don't picture myself doing it and if I do picture myself say taking an overdose I'm not sure if its because I want to die or because I don't want to feel like this anymore.

although it might not seem it this is a quick brief overview of my life situation right now, I included things I thought relevant so that people don't think its soley down to one thing when life in general is **** atm.

I don't really know what my question is, its just a lot easier writing it all down than explaining to someone face to face. Any advice or insight would be really appreciated.