'passive death wish' - stuck in a rut

Reply Tue 26 Jul, 2016 12:47 pm
Ive been feeling like this on and off for a few months now - which feels like a life time. I'm not sure if anything triggered it but at the time my partner of 4 years started acting differently which started to make me panic. we had been on and off for 4 years as he has a mental illness and gets periods where he feels like he needs to be alone and break up with me. For all the 4 years i was there through everything with his depression and attempts of suicide which no one else knew about which was a burden but i just wanted to help him in any way i could and began to neglect myself and focused on him completely even though he would just drop me whenever he wanted. I think I subconsciously knew it was coming again and started to get random panic attacks feeling like I couldn't breathe. I would have about 4/5 a day and would often be woken in the night by them and it was becoming exhausting and I didn't feel like I could go on. I cut contact with him and focused on work and they seemed to calm down and I went months without having another one. We inevitably got back together and broke up again the other day. I also have a broken family where everyone has fallen out and no longer talks. My mum kicked me out when I was 15 and would only have contact with me when she had split with her boyfriend and then would drop me again. I don't like being around my dads girlfriend shes always in a bad mood snapping at everyone and she really brings out my anxiety. This doesn't help my current situation of being back from uni for the summer where I literally wont leave my room all day because I don't want to see her. I have a lot of free time and only work weekends so I don't have anything to keep me occupied. I feel like I'm awkward and find it hard to make new friends as much as I would love too and I feel like the few friendships I do have are very one sided with only me asking to see them. I don't know if this is depression along the spectrum but I have no value for my life and find peace in thinking of not being around anymore, I don't feel like I have anything to live for but, I'm not sure if I'm suicidal because I don't picture myself doing it and if I do picture myself say taking an overdose I'm not sure if its because I want to die or because I don't want to feel like this anymore.

although it might not seem it this is a quick brief overview of my life situation right now, I included things I thought relevant so that people don't think its soley down to one thing when life in general is **** atm.

I don't really know what my question is, its just a lot easier writing it all down than explaining to someone face to face. Any advice or insight would be really appreciated.
Reply Tue 26 Jul, 2016 12:50 pm
@enterpseudonym ,
I would suggest counseling for you.

You were so worried about your partner's emotional and psychological well-being that you have neglected your own. Also, that many panic attacks? Yeah, they suck. But life doesn't have to be like that.

So talk to someone. Get it off your chest. Bonus - you will get out of the house (which you should be doing anyway). Don't be a prisoner in your own home.
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