I want to meet my Grandfather for the first time

Quote chai2:

You don't know they are not coming back, and if Tin Tin doesn't come back maybe the reason is that you've served notice from the first post here that the grandchild's character is the issue, for even THINKING of finding their own biological roots. Your next sentence goes right into how the grandchild is being selfish.

You have not only effectively prevented the discussion into exchanging information the person is asking for, now you're expressing exasperation that anyone points out that is what the discussion is supposed to be about.

You're dead set against Tin Tin getting help or useful information on this forum, aren't you?

No argument here - I'm just seeing too many of these folks who seem to be looking for an exciting backstory to their autobiography when there just plain isn't one.

PS I also know of at least one instance where a mother didn't go for child support in order to sort of go along to get along, and it backfired on her. So of course there are other reasons. But a father who the mother wants nothing to do with (and there is a need for cash, but she doesn't try for it), should at the very least raise some questions. When your child is potentially going to go hungry, I would hope most people would swallow their pride and try to get some cash. And when they don't, I would be wondering exactly why that had happened.

Quote saab:

Good work. That's certainly a help. You've located a place where the grandfather can go to take the test. That's a great start, and a great suggestion.

Now, let's see what would be the most advisable way to go about making the approach to the possible grandfather, and the offer of money. You made some of those suggestions as well, but there is always room for considering other options.

I've provided this sort of help to lots of folks in the past.

Usually the best source of information is the mother. Second-best is the grandparents. In this case, the generations are off and the great-grandparents may be gone. After that, siblings or classmates or coworkers. It involves legwork. But if someone does not want to reveal this information, there is no compelling it. And seekers should understand their attentions and interest are not always welcome.

Quote jespah:

True, but the grandchild might be able to persuade the person to come forward, and money has been shown to be an effective persuader. Heck, for a few thousand dollars people have been persuaded to give up their kidneys for transplant, let alone a cotton swab with DNA to a person in another country who really only wants some info about where they came from.

Do you have any experience or suggestions as to how this can be carried out?

A financial draft, I imagine. The OP should recognize there may be lots of folks who would give up a swab for a few hundred, and they might not be related to her at all.

The average yearly salery in Nigeria is something like 3.500 dollars. So 500 dollars is a lot of money.

That's why I'm thinking there could be any number of scammers. Or people who are honest but just turn out to be the wrong guy.

Well, yes they are being selfish.

I don't see selfishness as an innately bad thing. We're all selfish to a point, but can override that when it is called for

I thought we already went over that.

Ok, so you've given the advice you want to give. Now what?

This is good information.

Mostly I think because by the time a person is 30 they wouldn't be as likely to do this without a well thought plan. Also because if they are rejected in their attempt, they can shrug it off better knowing that was a real possibility. I would certainly hope by the time they are 50 this would be the case.
They can walk away without putting the birth parent in more of a stressful situation than they have to be.

Teens and some people around 20? First off, many have been raised in a world where they know little rejection. Everything they do is a "good job!" They enter into a search giving lip service to hearing they might not be welcome, but truly don't absorb or believe that. They can be worse than pushy sales people, not taking no for an answer. Or they hear no, but just do whatever they want. By 30 or 50? Not so likely.

It is not unusual for a young person - really, age doesn't matter - to try to come to terms with their sense of abandonment in this kind of situation. After all, what kind of parent rejects their own child?

The truth is, it happens all the time for one reason or another. Mother seems to have accepted that this man wants nothing to do with the past.

I'd suggest that a P.I. be hired to get a background check and to see what kind of character this grandfather is and if a monetary incentive would help answer the OP's question. But it really doesn't sound like this guy would be willing to answer the emotionally loaded questions about abandonment and rejection perceived by the OP.

You with children of your own, how would you feel if your child started to search for a dream family, someone who would be different from you as normal down to earth parents?
He or She find someone who is their "soul mate"- we cannot talk about roots now - and oh how wonderful. What that be your reaction? Would you side with the relatives or friends who suppurted your kid?
While a child grows up and something goes wrong - not good enough in school,
not good at sports or whatever - than it is "maybe it is in the genes, what do you know about the bio parents.
And as parents you spend time and energy to proove is of no interest and it is here and now which is important.
The kid grows up and all of a sudden genes are not important, DNA is important and the roots. What just a few years ago was the root of evil in my child is now THE THING and it has to meet its roots. How do you think we
parents feel when others undiscriminating tell our child to find their parents?
Noone checked you if you were going to be a good parent, noone came to check if there was dust under the bed, noone checked your bank account - you did not have to wait for years to get a child, and I am sure that noone told you that your child might have bad genes. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, cusins and all relatives who have shaped the child for several years are nothing - TRH ROOTS are important.
I know adoptive children who prefer their parents to some unknown bio parents. That is a good feeling for us parents.

The OP is looking to connect with the grandfather, not move in with him.

I get no sense that the OP wants to reject the adoptive parents-only to fill in the piece of their life that they knew was there but was kept secret. No disrespect or lack of appreciation implied, but the OP just wants to know. Is that so bad?

Perhaps.

The supposed grandfather has already hung up when contacted.

Blicker, setting aside for a moment your overall feelings that I am completely on the wrong track, can any part of you see how being contacted by a biological child or grandchild after some not uncommon circumstances might not be welcome?

Why is is apparantly only the grown childs interest in their birth parent counts?

Why is it a person who are going through life like anyone else, might even be having terrible stressors in their life, feel obligated in any way to communicate with a complete stranger?

Someone has mentioned a couple of times ancestry searches. This is not the same thing at all. That involves simply seeing who one might be related to, with the full knowledge that they are really nothing to these people. It's knowing if they did chance to speak in some fashion, it would be not surprising at all to hear the other person say that they just don't have any interest. You wouldn't keep reaching out to them (I hope). It's not saying "I'm your child"


People are welcome to seek their birth parents. Through a lawyer or the agency or some other legal means. Not through direct contact. They don't have the right to directly contact someone they have no knowledge of, and potentially, no exaggeration, destroy their lives. If it's done through the proper channels, the parent gets to make the decision about what comes next. That's as it should be.

You don't like what I'm saying. I get that. I get that most people are hard wired to be parents. However, even people who have other children cannot be expected to have a desire to see someone from a past that obviously wasn't conducive to having a child.

They might want to see them.
They might not want to see them.
There is an obligation to err on the side of "don't want to see them" First do no harm.

The person who initially posted is already going over what is logical. They have been hung up on, which is a pretty obvious "I don't want to talk to you". Any further seeking is harrassment. Unfortunatley, at least in the U.S. I'm sure the person would have to utter the words "I don't want to see you" rather than just hang up.

Persisting in seeking contact when they have already been told no, is stalker behavior.

Again, can you see where a birth parent may not want to see someone, doesn't have to give an explanation, and can even be traumatized by this?

I'm not asking if you agree, I'm asking if you can comprehend that is what someone may want, and that they are within their rights.

I realize the OP does not want to move in with the grandfather.
But the grandfather does not seem to want any contact.
Did you not suggest the OP to go Nigeria to experience the land of its forefathers?
Taking in concideration the warnings about going to Nigeria was that not a bit too irresponsible an idea?

The grandfather had shied away from the very first initial contact. Contrary to what some posters on here are pushing, that does NOT mean that has to be end of the OP's quest.

As for Nigeria, yes parts of it are dangerous. But it's the OP's ancestral homeland, the grandmother herself had been there a relatively short time ago so apparently it's up to the OP to decide the risk/cost factors on this.

The grandmother was in Nigeria about a year before she died. She might even have known her life slowly was coming to an end.
A young person going to a country - even a country of the ancestors - which other countries warn against to visit, is not a very good idea.
Going there to ask an unknown person for his DNA - one of the most intimate and personal thing we have, is a bit too much for me.
If the grandmother said it is the bio grandfather - believe her.

Then if the OP does not need to have a swab, pay him or info about what happened back then. If he didn't want to be involved before, for a fee he might be forthcoming.

Not pushing, making aware of the reality of the situation.

You don't feel it's pushing to continue to try contact with someone who had given a very clear message by hanging up? That's not shying away, that saying they don't want to talk to you.

Then you want to entice someone with money to give their DNA? That is unethical in my book.

If grampa will only do it for money then it really isn't worth it to chase after.

The fact remains that he hung up the phone. That says right there that he has no interest in being involved or contacted.

The only person who seems to want contact is the grandchild and they do not have such a right.