I want to meet my Grandfather for the first time

You want to meet him, but he doesn't want to meet you. That trumps your desire, especially since you have no real need to meet him beyond your curiosity.

He's not there for your entertainment.

Hate to seem like I'm trivializing, I'm not. He clearly doesn't want anything to do with that part of his life. Offer him money for a DNA swab. Make it clear he is under no obligations, he's in a different country, and if he really is a bad guy he'll go for the "money for nothing" angle.

You know, I actually appreciate it when I get thumbed down over something as important as this topic.

The people who do the thumbing down don't have to see my post, and I don't then have to listen to their whiney ass reasons why it's so important that some (usually) angsty teenager suddenly has the right to invade and potentially really f*ck up someone elses life for no other reason really than "I just wanna"

One kid showing up in the life of one person who doesn't want to be involved, who might have a family that knows nothing about the fact they had a child, and is at best struggling with this unwanted reminder negates all the touchy feely in your imagination Lifetime/Youtube reunions.

Jesus Christ. You were raised by/adopted by people who did want you and love you, but that's just not enough, is it?

Good answer.
By mentioning DNA these young people even try to make it "very important"
Sounds more serious than just meeting.

Look here! He wanted nothing to do with your mother, your grandmother made clear he was bad news. There is no reason to contact him. For all intents and purposes the man your grandmother married was and is your grandfather. Bloodline and DNA doesn't make a real family, love does.

Thanks saab.

Oh yeah, bringing in the DNA thing, like that makes it understandable.

Of course someone will say "but what if he needs to know because there could be some hereditary illness blah blah blah."
The OP doesn't even say it's an issue like that, sounds like he wants the guys DNA to "prove" to himself this is his relative. Again, this person isn't his plaything, a mindless object to conduct experiments on.

This case is even more egregious than those who have decided finding a father or mother is something to be crossed off their list of things to complete their egocentric lives. This is a grandparent for God's sake. Not even the person who caused this persons existence.

He hung up because he was "scared off"? I doubt it. He hung up as the definitive answer of "I want nothing to do with you."

I just shake my head every time I see threads like this where a person thinks they have some sort of right to just go out and insert themselves into someones life like this. They should consider themselves lucky they weren't aborted, or abandoned on the street, sold into prostitution or for drugs, or abused/neglected because they weren't wanted.

Be satisfied you're even here. Don't worry about how it happened.

If this grandfather sends DNA how can the OP be sure they are the right ones?

God, I wouldn't even think it would even get that far.

I mean, what the hell would ever force to send theirs, or a friends or next door neighbors sample off to please someone else? (besides the basic paternity thing)

Hmm. Unless there was some inheritance thing going on, so a person could prove they were related to the person with the money. But that would be something that was already in the courts.

I mean, why the hell would he even think about sending it? If anything, if I was the guy I'd be telling this kid to send me theirs to prove he had a connection. That would only be if this person kept harrassing me.

I mean, who the hell do you think you are, asking me for a DNA sample? Good God, this is more and more ridiculous.

That's why the poster ought to consider making a monetary offer to the guy.

Having a hard time understanding Chai's total hostility to this person who's looking, granted that a grandparent is of much less importance than finding one's parent. Still, it's family and it's not that outrageous to want to know.

Of course, there is the problem of what is to prevent the guy from just taking the money and sending somebody else's DNA, thereby "proving" he's not the grandfather. The prospective grandparent might have to arrange to go to Nigeria to see him get tested there.

So the cost of the trip and the amount given to the prospective grandfather might be a few thousand dollars. I don't know if the issue rises to that level of importance, or what the poster's financial situation is, but that's about the only way I can think of to possibly overcome the prospective grandfather's reluctance.

And since both your grandparent's were from Nigeria, you get to visit your ancestral homeland as well, which is an added benefit that many people do and find meaningful.

PS: Made a mistake in the above post.
Quote Blickers, in above post:

Note. Please change the sentence I put in the above post to:


What I'm simply trying to say is that TinTin should call up or contact the person who TinTin thinks might be the grandfather, tell him he has some money for him and would like to meet him in the next few months to deliver it in exchange for a cheek swab. When vacation time at work arrives, TinTin should arrange by phone to meet the prospective grandfather, go to Nigeria, meet the guy in a public place like a restaurant and give the man the money AFTER he takes the cheek swab right in front of TinTin. After that is over, see if the man can tell you anything about the grandmother, (why not, TinTin just paid him), and then TinTin can spend a few more days vacationing and getting to know the ancestral homeland. When TinTin gets home, the swab is sent in along with TinTin's own swab, and then wait until the results come back.

Problem solved.

I do not know if TinTin is American citizen, but if yes please read this regarding travelling.
https://travel.state.gov/content/passports/en/alertswarnings/nigeria-travel-warning.html
The same advice seems to fit all travelling
https://travel.gc.ca/destinations/nigeria

You are Way overcomplicating all this Blickers. Before making this into some elaborate scheme, let's just assume it's yet another person who somehow thinks they have every right in the world to expect, or even hope that some birth parent you've never seen or heard of is going to want anything at all to do with you, simply because you're curious, want to know, or have some fantasy about the meeting.

Hostile? No, pragmatic. It's the Hippocratic Oath of "first do no harm" for everyday life.

It is incalulable the harm that can occur by attempting to introduce someone like offspring that were given up into someone's life years after the fact. But all the seeker can think about is themselves. How incredibly selfish.

They aren't family except in the strictest genetic sense. That doesn't hold water.

If there was an instance were the birth parent was contacted through either the adoption agency, or some other legal means, asking "Are you interested in meeting this person?" The person can say yes, or no and don't contact me again.

Then, if the adult child persists, the birth parent can protect themselves legally. If the birth parent agrees on communication, it can be done on their terms. They can choose to meet, or just talk on the phone, or write, or even just share a medical file saying "this is all the contact I'll allow"

If the birth parent wants no contact, the adult child will just have to live with the fact they aren't going to be able to cross "meet birth parent" off their bucket list. Their life will remain unchanged from before, as would the the birth parent.

All the person who wants to find a complete stranger has to do is ask themselves "Could this end really badly for the other person?"

If the answer is "yes it could" they need to get over themselves and think of the other person and the harm they could inflict to multiple people, and realize they aren't the center of the universe.

it's a consistent position on threads where people are considering looking for birth family

sometimes people don't get an opportunity to love their bio children/brothers/sisters/nieces/nephews/grandchildren because they don't know they exist

I suspect it's not the case here, but it happens. We've got two really wonderful examples in my immediate circle. I am very thankful that FB allowed two very good men I know to learn about children they hadn't been told about - and to bring those children into their extended families and to share a lot of love.

Another example in our circle involves two men I know, brothers, who discovered in their 50's that they had a third brother who was born and given up for adoption before their parents were married. Their brother found them about 10 years ago and is now a much-loved addition to their extended family. He was able to meet his bio-mother in a pretty wonderful reunion. Sadly, their dad died before Brother #1 found the bio-family.

Yes. Very consistent.

Because people consistently don't want to look at reality, and at the very least do the search through a legal representative who has no emotions involved.

For instance, presenting anectdotal evidence that "I knew people who did that, even met on FB, and it turned out great" Is just that, anecdotal.

That's because you don't hear people announcing that some person they don't know from their past is trying to meet them. Why? Maybe because they never told the general public, or anyone, and they don't want to drop the announcement that they had a kid to anyone, including perhaps their spouse and the children they have with them.

Sure, people want to talk about the great outcomes, not when this atom bomb is thrown at someone like "Hi, I'm your kid"

I well remember that you have had me on ignore for years, so you won't see this, or maybe you will.

I remember you as repetitively very hostile to anyone who wants to find a birth parent.

Many of the rest of us understand, and there are probably agencies or websites to help with that. I don't know but I think the messaged people get to say no.

Spewing hate about finding family is ridiculous, some people do care.

I do agree this present poster is off on a goose chase, but I can understand his feelings.

Have you had a bad experience with someone wanting to meet you?

well said

I know I've told this before, but this is a news type item that has stuck with me since I was in my early 20's, and had never given this subject matter a thought. My stomach still clenches when I think of it.

It was on some show like Nightline or 20/20 or something.

Upshot was some adult woman found her birth mother and tried to make contact. Birth mother didn't want to meet her, for whatever reason. The woman persisted, and it climaxed with this woman standing at the front door, with the camera crew behind her taping it all. The birth mother either opened the door a crack, or called through the door to go away, then locked the door.

Oh but we're not done. The woman went and stood in the middle of the street, in broad daylight, camera's running, screaming at the top of her lungs "ALICE WILSON THIS IS YOUR DAUGHTER THAT YOU GAVE UP FOR ADOPTION 30 YEARS AGO!!! WHY WON'T YOU COME OUT AND TALK TO ME?"
Right there, in front of every neighbor, ending up on TV.

Turns out the poor birth mother had been married to a man for many years, had their own children, and neither they nor any friends and most other relatives of hers knew a thing. It was something like the only person who ever knew was her own mother, and she kept it quiet.

I don't care how many tearful hugging thanking God reunions we see on TV. One horrible thing like this overrides it all.

You want to meet someone who gave birth to you? Do it legally. If you can't, move on with your life.

At least the OP here didn't start like other have with "I'm looking for my father Ronald Dahlman who is 38 and old and used to live in Azuza and worked at the Heinz Ketchup factory. He was with my mother Edith Abernathy from 2000 to 2001.

I just hope to God those are pranks, but I doubt at least some of them are.

But out of the woodworks come people trying to help out, and no one dares suggest maybe they shouldn't have plastered some poor persons name somewhere on the internet.

But I just wanna know!