Is my roommates girlfriend over too much? Do I have the right to speak to him about it?

Reply Sun 17 Jul, 2016 03:06 am
I've lived with my boyfriend (A) and his best friend (B) for almost three years, and our roommate got with his girlfriend (C) about 9 months into the lease. At first, she'd come over once a week, and we would sometimes go out on double dates together every now and then.

I've been working all over the country for the last six months, so while I've been away, C has been staying over a lot more, which I haven't been there, so I didn't have a problem. The problem is now that I'm back, she's still staying over 3-4 times a week. I like having my own space, I leave the house to go to the gym or walk to get some space, so having her around that often is too much for me. B and C for the most part are very respectable, mostly stay in their room, keep to themselves, but they will come into the living room with myself and A to chill out. I find it hard to talk to my boyfriend about it because him and B are best friends, so he cuts him a lot of stack. I just find B doesn't really think about anyone else but himself when C is around. Just the other night, B told us C would be staying over Saturday and Sunday (don't enjoy two days in a row, but whatever), and then on Friday he goes 'Oh, C is coming over tonight.' It's not like A and I had plans, but I hate it when he just announced she's decided to come over. I don't think it's very respectful.

B is unable to stay over at C's house, her family won't allow him to stay. She washes her hair every night, so she's taking 20 minute showers every time she's here. I don't even shower that long, and I live here. They do have loud sex, but I bring that up with B all the time, so he knows it's an issue. The small things just begin to add up. I wake up, and she's awake, sitting on the couch eating breakfast. I come home from a long trip, and B has decided to bring C over that night. Last week, A and myself tried to organise food with them. It took them half an hour to decide on a place after knocking back all our ideas, then said 'Be there in 10', turned up almost half an hour late, then they both spent the whole dinner on their phones.

Do I have the right to ask her to not stay over as often, or for her to start paying utilities or rent? She even stayed over for a whole month straight while she was doing work placement, and B thought it was rude and absurd of A to ask her to pay for some bills. I definitely want to speak to him about this, but I want to get it right and not offend everybody involved.
Reply Sun 17 Jul, 2016 06:03 am
Is your name on the lease?

If it isn't, then you and C are in the exact same situation, and you really don't have anything to say about it. Talking to your boyfriend is one thing, but if it's only him with leaseholder authority (I suppose with B), then his credit rating will suffer if the living situation goes really south and B and C leave and perhaps you need to scramble to be able to pay rent. Hence understand the dynamic there and why this matters.

If you are, then talk to the others on the lease (presumably, that's A and B). Determine what the schedule will be and what C will be paying if she goes over it. I realize people want spontaneity in their lives, but a month isn't spontaneous. A month is something you pay rent for.

As for the remainder, e. g. her being up when you get up, sorry, but that's life in a shared living situation. You'll need to just deal with her eating her breakfast while you are (which is a really first world problem right there).

Loud sex? It's another by-product of a shared living situation. Which, by the way, might have happened if they were living next door. Most newer living spaces don't have terribly thick walls.

So I repeat my question - is your name on the lease? Because regardless of your seniority in this situation, you are just a subtenant unless your name is there. Don't like that? Then find another place to live, with or without your boyfriend, get your name on the lease and have some status. And then you can make the rules.
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Reply Sun 17 Jul, 2016 06:35 am
My name is on the lease, along with A and B. C is not. I understand that living in a shared environment means sacrificing things and letting things slide, but I'm the only on making compromises here. I signed up for living with two other people, not three.
Reply Sun 17 Jul, 2016 06:41 am
"I signed up for living with two other people, not three."

This is what you have to impress upon this guy - and the BOTH of you need to say this to him. Call a conference and insist that he limit the number of days that he can have an overnight guest.

Tell him that if his girlfriend stays over more than 2 nights per week, he will have the portion of his payment increased.

And do NOT socialize with them. Just keep it at a distance. They sound clueless.

If this does not change, then you and your BF need to figure out how to make it on your own - 2 people paying housing costs.

Reply Sun 17 Jul, 2016 06:51 am
What Punkey said.

This dynamic is not working and I suspect it will be sooner rather than later when this living situation ends.
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Real Music
Reply Sun 17 Jul, 2016 11:54 am
I signed up for living with two other people, not three.

If I were you, I would give him three basic rules for his girlfriend staying overnight:

First, Make sure that his girlfriend staying overnight is extremely rare. She can visit often. It's the staying overnight that needs to be rare.

Second, Make sure that he gets permission each and every time his girlfriend stays overnight. He should never have his girlfriend staying overnight without making sure that is okay with you and your other roommates.

Third, Make sure that his girlfriend never gets her own personal key to your house/apartment.

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Reply Sun 17 Jul, 2016 04:01 pm
You, your boyfriend and the other roommate on the lease need to sit down together and sort out what the ongoing rules will be.

Reply Mon 18 Jul, 2016 10:39 am
I agree you three need to have a sit down and come up with a compromise or else move.

To me it draws the line when she is regularly using your utilities and other personal space. It is costing you money every time she showers for example because you are probably paying the utilities for heating the water. If she uses the stove or anything else she is using your utilities. Now granted if she were over once a week it isn't a problem, but regularly using things that you pay for costs you.

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