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Fri 15 Jul, 2016 02:57 am
I met my boyfriend online during the summer of my second year of university. We talked, got to know each other, had feelings, and within a month met for the first time. On the first night, he slept over. Mind you, I had no experience with men, kissing, sex, etc. He started playing with my breasts when he thought I was sleeping... and... I froze b/c I didn't know what to do. It felt good, so I just let it continue and eventually "pretended" to wake up when he took off my pants to initiate sex. He couldn't find my hole, so we gave up.
The next day we had sex. I don't regret losing it TO HIM (even though the development was rather very early for my very first relationship); HOWEVER, I regret not saying anything - but I couldn't have known what would be in store for me.
He was very perverted. He got me on my knees and took a video of me giving him my very first bj. Pictures, angles, you name it. I was uncomfortable, but I didn't know what to do/say. If I pulled back, he'd push me back in. When he climaxed, without a warning or even consulting me, he gave me a facial. Then he wiped it all over my face. I didn't even know this was a thing. It was gross and dirty. I expected him to help clean it off because I didn't want to move - didn't want his cum on my sheets and make it sticky; but, he just laughed and didn't do anything and went to bed. Muffled, I screamed at him, motioning for him to help me, but he didn't take the hint. I was very, VERY, upset. And I still am thinking about it. This WAS my first time with a guy, and this was NOT the kind of experience I was expecting.
I think he forgot that I never had sex before, and treated me like one of his flings. That actually really hurts, but I can't do anything about it now. The problem is, it's been A YEAR from now, and I love him dearly, but the experience is still dwelling! I need advice to move on from the experience. The more I think about it, the more it gets me in this depressive state where I feel like I can't function. But I don't want this experience to bring me down like that. I don't want to approach him either because... well... timing. Any help? ): Should I get therapy on this? I don't even know what to do. ):
TLDR; had sex for the first time; went down unexpectedly and I can't stop thinking about it to the point it's making me feel depressed.
@YodelingRacoon,
Egad.
First off, get rid of that video.
Seriously. I don't care how much you love each other or how long you stay together. Get rid of it. It will come back to haunt you.
Second, he forced you to do things you didn't want to do, and ignored your distress.
And you're still together?
Um, okay. I take it you're a submissive. Because that's the only way I can figure out why you're still in this.
Normally, I would be telling someone to get counseling to figure out why they were dwelling on something far past its shelf life.
I'm going to tell you something different.
Get counseling, yes. But not to wonder why you're dwelling on this. I think you need to talk to a professional about why this was acceptable to you, why your self-esteem allowed any of that to happen. And why you allow it to persist, and have rewarded him for his behavior. And maybe you are a submissive. But maybe get that from a professional.
@YodelingRacoon,
It doesn't sound like this relationship is making you very happy.
If you are still feeling depressed, you should consider leaving this relationship. Leaving a relationship always hurts for a little while... even when it isn't a good relationship. But if a relationship isn't making you happy, it is always better to leave quickly so that you can find a relationship that is better.
The first time having sex with a new partner is special, especially if this partner is good for you. My advice is to leave this relationship and find someone who will treat you well.
It's been a year since this happened?
Are you still with this guy, or did he move on?
YES, you need therapy. IMHO - you were sexually assaulted.
@PUNKEY,
I'm still with the guy... he's my current boyfriend. I don't know if this happened because... he once told me that he was dating someone else before we met up in person. So, he was two-timing the both of us. When I thought he went missing (because his mom called at 3am asking where he was and no one could reach him), it turned out he was having sex with some other woman. And if he met her first, and then started dating me afterwards, I'm wondering if his "experience" leaked onto me. If he forgot I existed, and did the things he would with the other girl. ):
@maxdancona,
Some aspects of it does make me happy. He does make me happy, but thinking about how our relationship started out makes me incredibly sad and brings me to this dark place I can't get out of. ):
@jespah,
I've asked him once to delete the video, and he promised me that it was for his own eyes. I want to trust him, so I've been letting him take more pictures during the relationship. He puts them all into a folder he calls, "I love you (name)". And he locks it so no one can view what's inside. :O
Yes, I don't think he was taking advantage of the fact that I was a virgin and lacked experience; but, I think he forgot that I'm still human. ): I feel uncomfortably upset and really sad when I dwell on past memories and how our relationship started. There were just so many red flags.... Our relationship wouldn't have even begun had I not gave in and sent him a nude (I told him no, but he kept persisting and I caved into peer pressure and fear of losing him). But, he's changed now. Maybe he didn't care about me before, but he does now... >< I get very attached someone very easily... Maybe that's why I continued it to persist? ):
@YodelingRacoon,
I don't know what to tell you.
I assume you are over the age of 18.
I assume you are also abundantly aware that files can be hacked into or accidentally left open, laptops and tablets and phones can be stolen, etc. I also assume you know that nudes of you on the Internet will probably cause you to lose nearly any job. And I will also assume you know that video of a virgin being forced to perform a blowjob can be monetized for some serious money.
But keep telling everyone about how much he loves you.
@YodelingRacoon,
You talk about peer pressure.
I suggest that you at least talk to a peer counsellor about what you've allowed this person to do.
@jespah,
I'm sorry, people usually give up talking to me when they realize I keep going back to being the devil's advocate.
I am very aware, and thus decided to make a huge risk in trusting him because... well... he actually gets offended when I ask him to delete it thinking I don't trust him enough to keep it private. I'm thinking of compromising a solution: delete the ones with my face in it!
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