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Do cheaters ever stop? And did you love your spouse?

 
 
Reply Thu 7 Jul, 2016 08:45 pm
Been with man for 19 years and 2 kids. We have had our ups and downs. But last two years have been affairs and than caught on and off. Been to therapy but I felt therapist didn't add anything to help just listened. He tells me he loves me and wants to make our relationship work. But instists he doesn't know why he cheats. I love him but I don't know if I can take this personally again. What do I need to ask, what do I really not know... please help me.
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Thu 7 Jul, 2016 08:52 pm
@Tmcarlson,
Maybe the two of you could take some time to think about what you like about each other and being married to each other?

Not every marriage is salvageable and some seem to have term limits on them. You have to both figure out if there is an upside to staying together.
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Thu 7 Jul, 2016 09:02 pm
He's an addicted to (you fill it in) sex? attention? excitement? alcohol? the cheater's scene, like the bar?

You have to decide if you want to live like this. His reason no longer matters.
0 Replies
 
Eliusa
 
  0  
Reply Wed 13 Jul, 2016 09:15 am
@Tmcarlson,
Do YOU want to be with him?
That is what important.
Yes we lose interest after so many years, some claims they don't but it is rare.
You had lost him sexually somewhere. He is not happy with his sex life with you but he is wanting to keep his comfort.
He is also aware of the fact that if you 2 divorced you will take him for all his worth and he will pay you pretty penny for a long time.
It will continue until he will fall in love with his next flame. So far he is just fulfilling his sexual void. You can be the one to change your way. Ask him what is that he gets out of other women that he can't get from you?
Passion? Very well could be. Do you still atracted to him sexually?
Honestly?
0 Replies
 
Darrin
 
  1  
Reply Mon 29 Aug, 2016 07:24 pm
@ehBeth,
find out the warning signs, my wife cheated on me. I was completely blind sided. I thought our relationship was great. If she did it again im out of here, im here for the kids. You need to leave if your kids are old enough. This isn't healthy it will eat you up. It has me, we are not perfect but, that doesn't give him any right to cheat. I think you might be empowering him. Lay the law down if he cheats leave, and dont look back....
0 Replies
 
Tiger81
 
  2  
Reply Tue 30 Aug, 2016 08:25 am
@Tmcarlson,
In my experience, cheater never stop. My ex husband cheated 3 times until I had enough. Ironically, I am now on the other side and on round 2 of an affair with the same man, he has been cheating on the gf ever since he and I reconnected years ago. If he wasn't cheating on her with me, I am sure that he would be another woman.
0 Replies
 
clueless7321
 
  4  
Reply Tue 30 Aug, 2016 07:43 pm
@Tmcarlson,
Once a cheat, always a cheat. My ex cheated in the beginning of our marriage, then again 16 years later. Its not you, you have done nothing wrong, the problem is within himself. If he doesn't want to work on it, then it will never change. If it does change, you will always wonder when it will happen again... I don't think one can fully trust again after multiple cheating affairs. One time, ok, maybe... more than that, no way. cheating is the worst pain ever. You love him, okay, but you gotta love you and take care of YOU more.
Eliusa
 
  -1  
Reply Sat 3 Sep, 2016 01:56 pm
@clueless7321,
It is not true!
If it was t on this particular person I would never!
I am his first flame after 28 years of marriage!
If it weren't me and him we would be not looking
for anyone. Because we had not before!
Sometimes it takes just THAT person and no
one else matters.
Not every reason for cheating is lust and simply
sexual attraction. Sometimes it is just happened.
0 Replies
 
behappyA
 
  2  
Reply Thu 15 Sep, 2016 07:30 pm
@Tmcarlson,
As a person who has been cheated on I can understand the pain and the struggle to trust and forgive again. My advise to you is to reflect not goes on your relationship, but yourself as a person, morals, values, and beliefs. A person who doesn't know why she/he cheats is bullshit! And if your husband is using the "I don't know" excuse, he is a person who doesn't want to look hard within himself and be accountable for his actions. He is not willing to be honest even with himself, leads me to believe he will probably continue being unfaithful. As hard as it maybe until he can truly tell you open heartily what led him to do so, you both can take the next step to help your marriage.
Tiger81
 
  2  
Reply Thu 15 Sep, 2016 07:51 pm
@behappyA,
this is all true, as the cheated on spouse, I could not have said it better
0 Replies
 
Eliusa
 
  -1  
Reply Thu 15 Sep, 2016 08:06 pm
@behappyA,
Where you fulfiiling his needs hon?
Just say it...
0 Replies
 
Peg44
 
  1  
Reply Sun 29 Jan, 2017 10:31 pm
@Tmcarlson,
I agree that you should take some time to figure out what you want (separation would be good). During that time find a new counselor that you could see together and individually (it may take a few tries to find the right counselor).

If you decide to give give him another chance you should have full access to his phone, computer, etc (all passwords, etc). He needs to realize he broke your trust and he has to work to get it back. If he can't accept that then I think he plans to cheat again (or is keeping things private in case it happens again) so I would end it and move on. Good luck!
0 Replies
 
Krumple
 
  1  
Reply Mon 30 Jan, 2017 01:14 am
@Tmcarlson,
Tmcarlson wrote:

Been with man for 19 years and 2 kids. We have had our ups and downs. But last two years have been affairs and than caught on and off. Been to therapy but I felt therapist didn't add anything to help just listened. He tells me he loves me and wants to make our relationship work. But instists he doesn't know why he cheats. I love him but I don't know if I can take this personally again. What do I need to ask, what do I really not know... please help me.


One thing to consider. If he says he does not know why he cheats, might be that he thinks if he tells you why, you won't like the reason. So he says he doesn't know, to either spare your feelings or to prevent a fight.

To really get to the core of the cause you really have to be willing to accept any reason no matter how much it hurts to hear. Be willing to hear the reason without letting your feelings jump in to reject his reason.

There is a reason and I bet he knows it but can't tell you it.
0 Replies
 
WineNot
 
  1  
Reply Mon 30 Jan, 2017 09:02 pm
@behappyA,
I agree with behappyA. He doesn't want to take responsibility by looking inward and truly facing what he did. Your marriage won't last (he will do it again) bc he's not truly remorseful. In fact it's selfish of him to not give you an answer (there is one- he just doesn't want to own up to it).
0 Replies
 
 

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