Yes to what osso said.
Choose your lawyer carefully.
Joining the chorus: Get thee to the lawyer's office!
Go see a whole bunch of them, then pick the one that's best for you. Let your stbxh pick or choose not to pick his own, but you pick one to represent your and your children's best interests, or else the court will decide what those are without you being properly represented. And yes, divorce is expensive. You probably won't get to keep your current assets. You will both be much poorer throughout the divorce process, then the one without full custody will begin to inch ahead. The one with full custody will be at a financial disadvantage, + a dating disadvantage until the youngest is 18, more or less. You will have to put their needs ahead of yours, so that will mean selecting future mates based upon their needs as well as yours, perhaps putting your needs on hold until they are out of the house, or nearly there... Joint custody status will put you at less of a disadvantage dating-wise, but tie you to making choices w/your stbxh and being at events w/him b/c that will be in the best interest of the children. ANd you still won't have as much money as you 2 have as a couple, unless you can land a really killer job... Are you sure you don't want to rethink your decision to divorce? Nothing is set in stone yet, you know... It could still be salvageable, maybe... But if not, then do see a lawyer pronto.
Yes, get a lawyer ASAP!!!
See:
http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=18169
http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=896266#896266 and
http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=896508#896508
You don't have to be a doormat here, and there can be real consequences if you do. This is not the time to be overly accommodating. Be accommodating for your kids, sure, but you have rights, too, and your children deserve their mother - and a mother who isn't just barely this side of homeless.
Go to a lawyer. if he doesn't want a lawyer, he doesn't have to have one, but he does not get to make the decision about whether you have one. You are not a bad person for sticking up for your rights. Do it.
I am not a lawyer, but I have been through a divorce.
The tough thing at this point is realizing that you are going to be the only person looking out for your interests from now on. You can no longer count on your spouse to do that. It has nothing to do with whether he is a good person or not. It's just the way divorce works.
I do agree that it looks like your husband is trying to work things so he will end up with everything...the house, the kids AND the higher income. It doesn't matter what the reason for the divorce is, that just isn't a fair division and you shouldn't agree to it.
It's always amazing to me how people's true colors come out in a divorce. You can live with someone for years and they can (and DO) still shock you.
My mom, after her last divorce (my stepfather) learned such a hard lesson that SHE became a lawyer...
He was cheating, he was abusive, he was a banker making almost 100 grand a year in the early 80's (what is that now with inflation?) but she just wanted out and didn't fight, and didn't get Anything At All! Mom worked her way through law school cashiering at a local supermarket (actually, it's a union gig and she makes more than I do at my office, but she's been there almost 15 years), they were divorced when I was 11 and she needed the second job to keep making the payments on the expensive house they'd just purchased - hmmm, sound familiar? - which was the only thing she kept in the settlement, and was forced to buy off his half; again, cuz' she didn't want a big messy thing with lawyers.
Now she is the lawyer and she makes sure that all of her clients get as much as they can, and the kids, and the house, and the car... starting to sound like an Ole' country song (and my beer, and my dog, and my gun...). I Personally recommend this approach. If you live anywhere near the D.C. Metro area I can give you a great referral!
PP--your post, the interplay between wellhung and sweetheart, I've read before, but oh so funny.
As for jah, I feel for you. I really do. Sounds like boredom took over and you fell into it. However, cybersex, no matter how you wanna look at it, isn't sex and can't be construed as adultery. If that were the case, every man who ever bought playboy would be deep in it. But don't ever think I condone it--it leads to trouble. Just as you've found yourself in. But this doesn't mean the END to everything in your marriage.
Sounds to me as though you and hubby would benefit from some counseling. He, to pay more attention to you, and for you to find your focus again. After being home for 10 years--GET OUT of the house and get a job. ANY job. The internet interaction likely was more a need to connect with someone else rather than sexual chat and interplay.
Your hubby needs to realize that you have needs too and he isn't meeting them. Further, stuck at home, you cannot pin your entire interaction with humanity with your kids and your husband. You will either atrophy or find an outlet--which you did.
I'd suggest that it's time you both took 10 giant steps back and give real consideration to what the situation is.
Hubby is out working all day bringing home the bacon--all the while interacting with many people. He has zero clue to how cloistered you've become. Yes, the internet can be an outlet and a savior sometimes as a help, making friends, and finding information--but it cannot replace real life. It is easy to be caught up in fantasy--which is what has happened to you.
Your hubby doesn't understand that you need much more than you are getting from him, and you need to realize that your actions aren't making things better. Please also know that just ONE person, one adult, cannot be your sole interaction in life. Humans are such social creatures.
Get out of the house. Find a job or find something to occupy a few hours with human interaction. Volunteer at the local hospice or hospital or adult day centers or local church or something--a soup kitchen----anything really to get you into contact with the real world.
Most likely your marriage IS worth salvaging once you and hubby actually talk to each other and not AT each other.
He feels his trust in you has been betrayed, yet he has no clue to your needs. On your part, you've stayed home like the 'good wife' but that's led you to find what you thought was a safe outlet. It wasn't.
Both of you need to talk openly about what you want and need from each other. He'll likely be surprised to know how much you need him and have missed him. You need to be able to stand on your own.
Motherhood is a blessing but every mother needs her OWN life as well. Besides, your children will benefit from the richness of real living that you can bring to them.
Good luck and hope it works out.
