Hi, I have never written on any forums or thought more seriously about my sexuality before. I even had to create a new email - this has been bugging me for a while.
I have always been in relationships with men.. (bad ones) and not until recently thought I could be with a woman but dont know if I'm thinking this because my heads screwed through an emotionally abusive relationship of which I cannot leave because I cannot work due to severe anxiety (also diagnosed bipolar II), my disability has been wrongly sanctioned (like many peoples across the country)and just moved 200 miles from home. I called a refuge but they wont take me in cause I wont part with my dog.A bit stuck.
Anyway..As a child around 10 yrs old I always drew 2 women kissing, never a man and a woman, In my teens I was heavily addicted to lesbian porn. (i admit sometimes still watch it if i give in to the urges) Straight porn never did it. I have had sex with some of my female friends in my teens in drug fuelled 3-ways experimenting but that stopped years ago. For all these years Iv'e fantasised about having sex with women but never wanted to be in a relationship with one until recently. Iv'e been visualising it and feels good yet scary but not sure if it's because I'm bi/lesbian underneath or because of my terrible relationships and sexual abuse history making my brain warped.
I am not turned on by penis. Atall.. I have no sex drive with men anymore.. and to be honest... Dont think Ive ever genuinely found penis attractive yet have slept with many men in my drug phase teens. However, I do find men psychically attractive and I am emotionally attracted to them. I just hate the thought of having sex with them, been feeling this way for the past year.
Doesnt help that my current boyfriend sexually disrespects me, makes me feel i HAVE to do it indirectly, guilt trips me, doesnt wash, list goes on.......
I can really visualise being with a woman at the moment, whos into the same things and doesnt emotionally sabotage me (not saying its just men who do) Ive looked at Instagram profiles of lesbian couples enjoying each other, travelling together and Id love that.
I know I'd be up for action alot more and my sex drive would be healthy again. the more I think about it the more it feels right and id love to give it a go but then on the otherhand is it because this relationship is so bad and scarring that im just looking for something different? I'm so confused.. I never want to have sex with a man again... Im just not attracted to there parts atall and i am psychologically damaged in the area of having sex with men.
I wouldnt jump straight into another relationship, I will be on my own, finding myself again, improve my mental health, piece myself back together and somehow work from home so my anxiety doesnt get out of control. Then when ready would take the plunge in being with a woman. But I dont know.... No one knows my tendancies apart from my 2 closest friends and Im only gona get hell from some people who go out of there way to destroy the lives of others (i.e my dads friends) I just love the idea of being with a woman and its been racking my brains for so long now. Its different and its scary even writing about it.
Thanks for reading.