Help! First Relationship And Unsure If Its Love!! Don't Want To Hurt The Guy!!

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Ok, so I'm 29 and am looking for advice.. it feels kind of pathetic posting this, as if I am a lovestruck teenager! I think part of the issue is that I'm quite inexperienced in terms of relationships whilst I'm also simultaneously confused because of different, unrelated reasons and don't really know where to turn.

The below might appear a bit muddled – but it is a representation of my head at the moment!!!

So, hear I go... with a summary of my key points (I try to be a logical thinker, hence the list approach!!)

- I suffer a bit from depression – not really relevant, but my head is a mess because of an early midlife crisis (hating work, and stressed about the lack of a career … ugh!)

- I haven’t had many relationships but I always thought of myself as more straight than gay, fooled around with guys as a teen and not really again until a couple of years ago.

- I had a thing with a girl last summer, but it didn't work out and James is the first person that I've met since who I have liked a lot. Obviously a guy (and no surprise, because I haven't been on any dates with girls since the short mf fling last summer).

- I haven’t come out to any family or friends – but I think I would happily do this with James – but I only really want to if it is going to be a full relationship. I feel like we’re almost there, but not sure!

- He is the first guy that I’ve actually got past the “hook-up” phase with. I love spending time with him… going on trips to the beach, bowling, cinema, playing squash, whatever!!... As well as of course lying in bed naked together … 

- We have stayed in each other’s company for several consecutive days. It’s his first proper relationship too – so sometimes seems as if we’re moving too quick. But where’s the harm if we both enjoy each other’s company. He’s on holiday just now, and I am missing him, looking forward to his return at the weekend. For sure, I know that I would much rather be with him than on my own!

- But I worry that I don’t fancy him enough. He is definitely cute and I really enjoy his company. But he isn’t perfect (of course no-one is!!), although I sometimes think about other hot people and hate to even think of cheating.

- I also sometimes think I might prefer if he was a girl! It sounds ridiculous, but sometimes I look at his cock and think I’d prefer a pair of breasts haha!!... I mean what the f**k!!!

- I definitely wouldn’t hurt him though I know that much for sure. I really like and respect him as a person. This is also part of the reason why I am scared about getting in too deep – I don’t want to hurt either of us – and I know that, as this would be his first serious relationship

Ok, thanks for listening!! I’d love to hear some advice!

Thanks to all..

Completely separate topic, and irreleveant, but I feel I should mention what happened in Orlando. If anyone is reading this from there, then I hope that you feel the peace and love from the UK 

xx

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[+3] - sozobe - 06/21/2016I get what you're saying! Any announcement would likely cause some drama, so if you can avoid that, you'd like to. If you find a nice girl and settle down and have kids and all is hunky-dory,...

@linclark1,

You are allowed to be in a fantastic relationship and for it not to be love, or to not be love yet.

Relax and enjoy life. Enjoy being with your sweetie - have fun!

This is separate from any coming out issues and, if you are going to come out, please don't tie it all to this one guy. Don't make him semi-responsible for that - that's all on you. He can encourage you and be with you of course, but the bottom line is that you make the call on coming out, and you have to deal with the results (both positive and negative), whether you two stay together or not.

Relax. You're cool.

PS This was written by a cis female person. I would say this to anyone (although the coming out bit would be tailored accordingly). Seriously. You're not hurting someone by not being on the same emotional timetable they are on.

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@linclark1,

What do you mean you would 'happily do it (come out) with James.

I'm guessing James sees you as 'out' already. Take that into consideration if you care about James and not certain of your sexuality. Maybe you should come 'out' in that way to him.

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Why the need to declare anything right now?

. Explore this relationship - slowly and with dignity - and see what happens.

A person who fantasizes about women's breasts when with his male lover should take some time before committing to one sexual preferences.

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@PUNKEY,

Thanks mate.

I am a heart on the sleeve kind of guy and I want to be able to share the same life updates with my folks irrespective of if I am dating a guy or a girl - but if I was to suddenly announce that I was seeing a guy there would be a fair bit of surprise!

That's one of the reasons why I feel a bit uneasy - I only really want to make the so-called announcement when I am sure about the situation that I am in and, in the meantime, feel like I'm being a bit dishonest to my parents - as I am now spending more time seemingly going to play squash with a seemingly random friend!

Anyway, I'll try to slow things down! Cheers

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@Leadfoot,

Hi mate,

Thanks for your response.

I just mean that James is the type of person that I could see myself being with long term - prior to I met him, my thinking had always been that I would only come out if/when I met a guy that I was prepared to think about settling down with.

Pretty naive in hindsight, especially because I've only been meeting guys since my last girlfriend, so it was always more likely that I would meet a boy rather than a girl.

I have been very honest with James (maybe not quite to extent about how I also fancy other people, but I think that this is pretty normal?? As long as, of course, I don't cheat on him!

But he know's all about head being confused!

I think that answers your question?

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@jespah,

Thanks Jespah, appreciate the positivity!

I'm unsure what a cis female is though!? Just intrigued!

I don't make him responsible for my feelings though and, of course, he would help. Nor am I concerned about negative attention.

The main reason for my concern is that I am unsure about my sexuality.

I am a heart on the sleeve kind of guy and I want to be able to share the same life updates with my folks (family and close friends) irrespective of if I am dating a guy or a girl - but if I was to suddenly announce that I was seeing a guy there would be a fair bit of surprise!

That's one of the reasons why I feel a bit uneasy - I only really want to make the so-called announcement when I am sure about the situation that I am in and, in the meantime, feel like I'm being a bit dishonest to my parents - as I am now spending more time seemingly going to play squash with a seemingly random friend!

James though is the type of person that I could see myself being with long term - prior to I met him, my thinking had always been that I would only come out if/when I met a guy that I was prepared to think about settling down with.

A bit naive in hindsight, especially because I've only been meeting guys since my last girlfriend, so it was always more likely that I would meet a boy rather than a girl!

I always wonder though how one knows when one has met their forever love. How do you know that you won't meet someone who you are more attracted to and share more in common!?! James and I are doing great, especially given that we've only been together a few months, and I would be shouting from the rooftops if he was a girl! Of course we're not perfect, but does a perfect relationship exist?!

Anyway, my confusion is apparent in my initial post although I am getting there.

Cheers for your words of wisdom Smile

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@linclark1,

Maybe easiest to just make an announcement anyway, not tied to a guy.

Then with that out of the way, you don't have to do all of this soul-searching each time, and just share as you would if it were a girl (or if it IS a girl again, in the future): "Yeah, he/she is really sweet, we've been on a few dates, I dunno this might be something, we'll see!"

I'm not saying the announcement would be easy necessarily -- really depends on your family. But you seem to be saying that the announcement will happen sometime, so maybe best to just pull that bandaid off and move past it.

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@linclark1,

Quote:

But he know's all about head being confused!

I think that answers your question?

Yep, that's good. Wouldn't want him to be surprised if you wound up with a girl.

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@linclark1,

Cis means I identify with my bio gender.

<3

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@sozobe,

Thanks mate!

Not normally a fan of the bandaid approach but your theory does make sense. I get on with my family brilliantly and also have some great friends, so there is no worries in terms of difficulties (beyond the usual awkwardness!)

The main reasons for my original post are that I don't know if I'm bi or not. If I am bi, I'm not sure about a permanent relationship with a guy (I want kids etc).

I just don't make the announcement only to decide later that we are not compatible!

1 Reply

@linclark1,

I get what you're saying!

Any announcement would likely cause some drama, so if you can avoid that, you'd like to. If you find a nice girl and settle down and have kids and all is hunky-dory, then your family doesn't really need to know that you have in your life been attracted to guys.

Is that about right?

I guess it's just a cost/ benefit thing. If you're spending a lot of time and energy on trying to figure this all out, and it keeps coming up, then it may be worth it to just get it over with and then you're covered for the rest of your life! No more being careful with pronouns, trying to figure out if maybe this is the moment you say something, or this, or this, no more hesitation about introducing your non-female sweetie to your family, etc., etc.

If you're bi, then you're not "going back" on anything if you end up with a girl or a guy, that's just part of being bi. A friend of mine still calls herself bi even though she's been in a monogamous relationship with her husband for something like 20 years. And that's not because she's looking to step out on him or anything; she was bi before she met him, and he's just the person that she liked best out of the options. She didn't stop being bi when she entered into a relationship with him.

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Help! First Relationship And Unsure If Its Love!! Don't Want To Hurt The Guy!!

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