So I told him I cheated.

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In my previous posts I mentioned that I had married my husband for the wrong reasons. Well, we took two days apart and he came back determined to "fix me"...ie all of my past childhood trauma and was just pushing and pushing me. He told me that if would never be able to love another man, never be able to have any sexual chemistry until I got help. He asked me twice if I had an affair. I felt I needed to be completely honest and so I told him.

And now I feel and know I'm a total piece of crap. I hate what I've done to him. I hate that our kids will come from a divorced family, BUT, I know we will be strong for them and not use them as pawns.

He's taking the girls camping for the weekend and he wants me gone byt time they get home. Any words of advice? Feel free to flog me too, not that I haven't done enough of it already.

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Take all the stuff that he likes, like the car, TV, stereo, beer, and food, and leave the stuff he hates, like the china, the cat, and the partially empty boxes of tampons in the bathroom.

You asked.

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What a painful way to prove that spouses are not qualified therapists.

Now that you know that, you can move forward.

Decide what you want to do about custody and visitation

Get a lawyer--and do more listening as talking. Lawyers aren't therapists, either--but they charge just as much.

Get an address--not necessarily permanent, but something short of the homeless shelter.

Start making lists of possessions to be divided.

You'll have some rough times ahead--but you'll survive.

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Quote:

"I did the best I could at the time" " I will do better when I get better"

from what I've read, I don't see any indication that you are sick or need help. it sounds like you acted out of fear; fear for your own financial future, and fear of confrontation, at the expense of his future. shrugging responsibility is not really something I approve of. am I missing something?

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This is one of those situations where you believe that you can be honest and it screws you over. I had a friend in a similar situation, and after about 4 years without getting a divorce her and her husband got back together, now however he brings it up ALL the time about her dishonesty, although she has not cheated on him since... they are now seperated and in the process of finalizing the divorce.

I myself came from a divorced family and feel as if I'm semi alright, your girls will be strong with eachother, and in all seriousness don't feel as if you are the ENTIRE reason why this is happening. You obviously were not happy with the situation and what you did happened in the PAST... if your husband can't understand that then he's not worth keeping around.

I'd say take only what you really want. Start over fresh, leave him with the constant reminder of your life together. Because that's a silent killer.

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It doesn't sound like he has done anything but try and save their marriage, and has been very deeply hurt in the process. So why are you all suggesting that she try and make her husband feel worse (cjhsa and r0xy)? Just because by making him feel worse she can feel better? That's so wrong.

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Divorce aint so bad.....It was the best thing I ever did. 5 years ago this past July! Cool

I was married 11 years, the last 8 were a living hell...I stayed for the kids... Mad

"wrong"

....but even that was not enough. I have since remarried and am in true bliss. I found my best friend, and we have been married now 3 years. I met here in Aug. after divorce...been together since. There was no cheating on either myself of my ex, it was simple..I just did not love her. I can to the realization that I despised her. Everything about her. God what a release it was when I discovered that.
Follow your heart and do right by the kids....life has a way of working things out!

Good Luck!! Drunk

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justanother - don't beat yourself up. There's, truly, no time for that now. For now, you have to take action. You have a couple of days. Here are some suggestions -

Contact your family, parents, syblings, cousins, whoever can help you and ask them to help you pack and find a place. Don't be shy and don't be proud. Do not ask for money unless you absolutely need it - you don't want to be dealing with being in a debtor-creditor relationship with any family members if you can at all help that. Still, though, you need assistance, so start dialing or emailing or whatever you need to do.
Failing that, or even if that does work, contact your closest friends, too. Don't ask for money as that will kill most friendships, unless you are absolutely, positively in need. Even then, think twice. Anyway, you need shoulders to cry on and hands to pack boxes. You may need a place to stay for a night or a week. See if you can get a roommate, perhaps a friend is looking or knows someone who is. Ask.
Look into apartments in the area. Grab the paper and set aside time to do this.
Look into temporary offsite storage, too, as you may have more things than you'll have room for. Temp storage is cheaper than rent, so it's better to get a one-bedroom place plus storage, rather than a two-bedroom place if the second bedroom is only going to be lined with boxes.
Assess your financial situation. I have forgotten whether you are working outside the home so, if you are, talk to your boss. Tell him or her you are in a family crisis and you may need to take a few days here and there in order to look at apartments or go to court. Tell him or her that you are fully committed to your job. Express your appreciation for his or her understanding. If there is a company crisis hotline or help group (e. g. a therapist onsite), utilize the service, that's what it's there for.
If you aren't working, you'll need to look for work, and fast. Put together a resume today. Start looking, online, in the paper, ask your friends, anything. You need a source of cash that you can call your own even if the joint bank account is huge and you continue to have access to it. Again, don't be shy and don't be proud. Work in a fast food joint if you have to, or stripping beds at a hotel. These are legal jobs, there's nothing to be ashamed of. Even if it isn't enough to live on, it'll help you feel a lot more empowered. But, of course, you must realize that a new job is going to take up a lot of your time.
Contact a lawyer. Any lawyer you know will do, as you can get a referral if s/he isn't the right type of lawyer (you want someone who handles divorce and custody). If you don't know any lawyers, contact Legal Services, they are in your phone book. If you're low on funds, ask about pro bono representation. Most attorneys give a free initial consultation so put your questions together and write them down before you go so that you're ready and you don't waste any time. One thing you need to ask about is whether your admission of having had an affair is going to affect your ability to get joint custody of your children. Also find out if your state has community property laws and if they are a no-fault divorce state. And, ask about arbitration or mediation, it may turn out to be a less expensive way of handling this matter.
And be strong. You're not worthless. This matter is going to become resolved - it really will. Things will not be this way forever.

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I completely love the advice you're getting from Artboy and jespah...

Artboy's right...divorce is not so bad. Just make sure you do right by your kids. That's going to take alot of sucking it up...Take the high road. Be an adult. Be nice to your soon to be ex. He's not the bad guy in all of this mess. You made some choices...they are now in the past...now fix it. But above all...those girls need to see a good example of a mom at all times. And for the rest of their lives, I might add.

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Buy three or four spiral backed stenographer's notebooks. You will be distracted for days--weeks, even--and you'll need the notebooks to keep track of the bits and pieces of your life and your mind.

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Re: So I told him I cheated.

justanotherhousewife wrote:

He's taking the girls camping for the weekend and he wants me gone by the time they get home. Any words of advice?

It sounds like he has already decided custody and property issues. He gets the kids and the home -- and YOU GET BOOTED OUT THE DOOR?

Sorry that you are going through this, but don't allow him to stack the divorce deck entirely in his favor and walk all over you. You might feel guilty over what you did in your past, but don't let that ruin your future and cause you to lose custody of your children.

There are many, many unfavorable consequences to leaving the family home at this time. Mainly, you won't be able to demonstrate continuity and stability which is essential in a custody dispute.

You are not required to leave simply because he told you to leave. BEFORE you walk through the door of your family home, you SHOULD engage in a lengthy consultation with a family law attorney and understand and consider all the possible consequences.

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Yes, I agree with Debra too. (Gee, I agree a lot.) You are the one that cheated, but that does not mean your girls have to come home from camping to find that mom has moved out. They'll feel abandoned. Stay in your house until things settle down between you and soon to be ex. And...you are positively sure you do not love him? Does he not love you? Be sure...because later on down the road is no time to want your family back. Know what you are doing.

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I've done enough hurting. I want this divorce to be as amicable as possible.

I've decided I'm not leaving. He can't kick me out of my home. I am a stay at home mom...no outside work, no outside funds. He says he cant stand to look at me....well I'm sorry but we have to think of the girls now, first and foremost (I know I was stupid and didn't do that when I had the online affair) and that would tear them apart to have me gone when they got back.

Jespah, thank you so much for your advice. I'm taking it all very seriously.

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I think you're making the right decision also -- he can't just kick you out like that.

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I think that's wise. There may be fighting (heck, I think I can guarantee that), but that doesn't mean you need to be on the streets. Still, I'd explore all options 'cause it may just end up being too hard to take.

I also completely forgot about Social Services - if you get a divorce, it's not a 100% guarantee that you'll see any alimony $$ and, even if you do, you might not get any until after an interim ruling, so you'll need to look into finances. Money, like it or not, is going to be the engine driving a lot of this.

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Wow, you are all quick to jump to divorce. Give the guy a break...he just found out that you cheated on him. Give him a day or two to think things through. We all say things we don't really mean in the heat of the moment, maybe he will calm down and decide that it is worth trying to work out.

Sorry to hear things have turned out this way though. Good luck with everything.

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jpin, I'm the one that has decided that I don't want to work the marriage out. I clearly realize that I married him to escape having to grow up, make decisions about my career after college, to escape from having to go back and live at home with a family that crammed "sex is dirty" and critisized me all the time....etc etc etc. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses and trying to justify...well I am trying to justify why I should not have married him. Rolling Eyes

It just has to end. It's been ten years of a struggle. I don't love him. He deserves a woman who does. I don't deserve this unhappiness and can't let guilt talk me into staying for the sake of the kids. They need two parents that love and adore them more than they need two parents living under the same roof where one is extremely unhappy.

So, I know I deserve the hateful words from him, but it's just so hard to let them roll off my back. I'm done hurting him and don't want to play that game. Any advice?

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justanotherhousewife wrote:

jpin, I'm the one that has decided that I don't want to work the marriage out. I clearly realize that I married him to escape having to grow up, make decisions about my career after college, to escape from having to go back and live at home with a family that crammed "sex is dirty" and critisized me all the time....etc etc etc. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses and trying to justify...well I am trying to justify why I should not have married him.

It just has to end. It's been ten years of a struggle. I don't love him. He deserves a woman who does. I don't deserve this unhappiness and can't let guilt talk me into staying for the sake of the kids. They need two parents that love and adore them more than they need two parents living under the same roof where one is extremely unhappy.

So, I know I deserve the hateful words from him, but it's just so hard to let them roll off my back. I'm done hurting him and don't want to play that game. Any advice?

Good for you....when its all said and done...if you, me or anyone I suppose is NOT HAPPY with themselves, or their "lot" in life...then it's time to take matters into your own hands and move on the decision you make. "remember..if momma aint happy..aint no one happy" It seems from reading the above.....that your mind is made up...now heed some of the above advice, about legalities, property, custody..etc...and go girl! It's definately gonna SUCK big TIME the first few weeks and maybe months...but keep in mind that you are an adult and YOU HAVE TO MAINTAIN so type of normal(sy) for your kids. Put them first in each and every decision you make from the moment your seperated to the day the divorce is final. REMEMBER.....They wont understand very much..they are not counselors...and they are not ever to have to be put in a position to choose between you and your husband....ever!
Good Luck!!!!

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Can ii say that i was in a relationship once where my partner was adiminant about "fixing" me i had a really bad upbringing etc etc

But i found it was because he couldnt deal with our problems but he felt it was all just me going crazy. I mean i couldnt even get upset about the smallest things without feeling attacked, or that there was something severely wrong with me

Sometimes though you might be okay but he is diverting dealing with the problems by transferring all the blame on to you,

there are no problems with your marriage or with him when look at all your problems...see what i'm saying

I think though maybe its a good thing that he wants you gone, but then you might feel am immense improvement in the way you feel once he doesnt push you anymore

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You should ONLY do what you WANT to do.... because it is YOUR LIFE TOO. What kind of example do you want to prove to your girls one in where you're married to someone that you are not in love with, or one in which they have two happy, separated parents?

You talked about how you're parents were against sex, and now your girls will grow up in a household where their parents are against love... and will see marriage as something "unhappy"...

Either way it is YOUR decision as to what to do...

Oh and by the way, I was not trying to make your husband feel bad, etc. but just trying to put in another perspective, because that's what this forum is about... I do not criticize others posts, nor do I wish to believe that my advice IS the ONLY way to go about the situation...

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So I told him I cheated.

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