New Here--How to reach the unreachable?

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Hello--I'm new here. Been lurking for a bit--and well, I thought I might as well throw my issue into the pot.

This is an odd story--and I'll give you the abridged version. I've know this guy for about two years. We met at work (work in the same company, but not together. I never see him at work). And we had this instant bantering type relationship. We somehow started this email bantering thing--back and forth 5-10 times a day for about 6 months. I'd say we were friends, but I suppose I started to feel more. When we'd meet in public, it was like we were suddenly in H.S.--maybe grade school. He would sorta act like the 7 year old bratty boy who pulled your pig tails. He'd tease me mercilessly. But, it went on for too long. I became convinced that he was either a) completely nuts; b) completely shy and dysfunctional; or c) borderline malicious. And I, deciding the whole relationship was unhealthy, backed off.

But, it didn't work. I would run into him and he would be sorta wistful. .sweet almost, constantly lingering. But, I would have none of it. Hey, I'm not claiming to be totally healthy here. :wink: I guess, I wasn't feeling particularly confident--and I was very reluctant about getting hurt. Months go by. But, he just kept coming back, silently lingering. We randomly ran into each other in the outside world, in a very random place. And suddenly, I felt horrible for shutting him out. Here was a guy that I had an instant connection with--and I was closing him down because I was feeling insecure. So, I emailed him--a funny, little peace offering. And then, we were off--exactly where we were in the beginning. Banter. . .banter. .. banter.

But, it was slightly better the second time around. He started to try to see me outside of email. But, they were what I would call non-date dates. He'd make up a silly excuse to pick something up at my place. Next thing I'd know, we had spent the day together. But, when I would initiate a more normal type invite, he would balk.

I swear, I'm getting to the point--hang in there. About 6 weeks ago, he had a friend visiting and orchestrated a last minute thing. He was weird at first. Finally, he blurts out a story from his past. . .your classic betrayal story about his first girlfriend whom he dated for many many years. She wanted to wait till marriage before having sex. He did. She cheated. . .Light bulb goes on--my lunatic email buddy is seriously damaged. He's not a 7 year old brat. He's that stray cat in the alley whose former owner threw him out. He's been eating garbage for years. And I have kidnapped him and brought him home. No wonder he's hiding under the couch. But, yes, I love him. And in my heart, I suspect he cares for me too.

I guess what I'm asking is: can someone learn to trust again?? Like a cat, when I push he rebels. Is there anyway to get him out from under the couch?? I've been trying to be exactly the same. I still email; I still invite him out. How can I possibly make him trust me without constantly being in his face??

Any thoughts are much appreciated.

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I have no thoughts on this matter.

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Re: New Here--How to reach the unreachable?
Don't mind Gus. He gets uncomfortable when we talk about other virgins.
Welcome to A2K Phoenix100! Laughing

Love your sense of humor.

Phoenix100 wrote:

Light bulb goes on--my lunatic email buddy is seriously damaged. He's not a 7 year old brat. He's that stray cat in the alley whose former owner threw him out. He's been eating garbage for years.

It's a long shot, but he could be telling the truth. More likely, he has someone else that you don't know about... or he simply doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

If he is telling the truth Shocked

; damaged goods he is. It's fine to be devastated when you lose your love... you don't even have to be a girlyman that. But, not getting over it is a sign of serious instability and weakness. Might want to ask yourself why you'd find someone like that attractive in the first place. If you haven't fallen in love with this man already, I'd suggest avoiding it if you can. Of course, that's if he's telling the truth... and if you want to listen to an unqualified stranger who's never met him. :wink: Good luck!

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Ah. First of all, welcome. Second, I think you are a sharp writer and observer. I think he interests you at all because of his brains, and because you've palled around and didn't lose interest in him as a potential lover.

I guess I don't doubt his story as Occam does, but occam is pretty smart, so keep your eye out.

The whole business of someone closing up when you seem to push, combined with hovering when you don't - is a flag to me. I won't spend one more second of my time going there, dealing with that; "close down" is just too frustrating and finally boring, I say, having been there and done that.

There is also the wee matter of your knowing him from work, which can be against company rules, if you care, and possibly a problem as those rules are in place because the practicalities of work romance can get very troubling re emotions and careers and even abuse of position.

Of course one can trust again, it is kind of a human need, assuming one isn't emotionally battered, and what you describe for his reason seems a little weak for a never trusting again type of response. (hmm, maybe you should listen to Occam...) Or maybe there is more to that lack of trust.

If that is all true, he should seek counselling separate from whomever he wants to date. Your getting into a therapeutic role is fraught with difficulty.

On the other hand... maybe he is interesting enough and actually loves you. Love is not just a feeling though, it is a pattern of behavior.

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Nah, Gus doesn't bother me. I suspect that's his way of being "charming". :wink:

You know, I had assumed that the whole story was made up at first. But, he was so insistent and serious and sad. . .and, well, a lot of puzzle pieces came together at that point--weird things he's said over the years. . .not to mention jokes his friends have said about him. . .and well, I think he'd been trying to tell me for awhile. In fact, earlier in the week, he had seen me talking to one of his buddies. He came over, asked what we were talking about. I jokingly said, "you, of course." And he was furious. . .and mumbled something about how we can continue our little clandestine conversation. He told me that night, that he was afraid his friend had already told me the truth. And, he kept trying to convince me that it was no big deal. . .and he was happy with the decision. . .blah blah blah. Suffice it to say, I'm a suspicious person, and I'm pretty sure its the truth.

Plus, there'd be no reason to lie. I'm a notorious flirt (hey, we all have our faults). But, the cool and worst thing about being a flirt is NO ONE takes you seriously. Dollars to donuts, he doesn't have a clue. . .

So, the main question is why I would be attracted to someone like that in the first place?? You have to understand, I knew him on a superficial level first. And he made me laugh--in a way that no one has ever made me laugh. We talk on the same level. When we're in a group, others just stare at us--because we end up talking only to each other, and on so many levels, that no one else follows us. I've known him for years--thought he was insane, but not damaged.

Wow, I sound like a sap. Ick! I'll be working on that. :wink: Thanks for "listening" Occom Bill.

Oops, posted before I read your post Ossobuco (you all have such interesting names), so I thought I'd just quickly add something here to respond to you. The good thing is the work thing is a complete non issue. It's a huge building. We don't work anywhere near each other. And there is no policy. There are tons of inter-office marriages/relationships etc.

I suspect that part of the problem is me. As stated above, I'm a huge flirt--so, I make insecure people (and definitely those who fear being cheated on) well, even more insecure. But, I'm not a cheater. Never have been. It's hard to convey to others though.

And, I have a nasty tendency of not being terribly open with my feelings. I guess, I don't know how to leave myself vulnerable, you know?? I always have a way out; never do anything that can't be taken either way.

I think the answer is that I have to be upfront and say, "hey, do you want to move forward or not". I guess, I was hoping for some safe advice. Silly Phoenix!

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yes, welcome.

two years. you're patient. occam makes a good point (even with a wedge of cheese on his head) about his not wanting to hurt your feelings. one of the things about work place attractions is they have a life of their own-- it keeps the day going to have someone to e-mail and banter with, staves off the boredom. we spend a lot of time at work.

can't you jut tell him straight out what you're feeling? osso, points out his backing off as a red flag, which is another good point-- if he accepts what you say, then great, if not, then at least you know it's time to move on...sure, you're feelings might get bruised, but wouuldn't it be better to know than to be in this limbo?

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Hey Gala:

Yup, you're right, of course. In my long winded reply to Occam and Osso (their names are too long--must have nicknames), I come to that conclusion too.

Guess I just needed a good 'ole kick in the butt.

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Phoenix100 wrote:

Guess I just needed a good 'ole kick in the butt.

Here, i'll help you......boot! Just kidding, welcome to a2k!

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You're a wonderful writer Phoenix and a welcome addition to A2K...I have a sneaking suspision that you're a rescuer too.

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Yes, we have nicknames, and mine is Osso. I picked that name years ago because I liked the sound of it, and have kept it because people know me by it. I am famous to myself for giving other people nicknames too, Phoe.

I am sadly not a flirt, much, and I think that has been a net loss for me, but I can see the other side, that you might not leave room for silence and confidence in quiet companionship.

So, you're not in a hurry, are you? Whyn't you try not being "on" and see if it leaves him some room to relax and open up.

Not to change yourself, but it is an accomodation because you probably do some of the flirting as a self protection.

Sometimes though I don't think we do things for giant psychological reasons but because we act like our mothers, etc. I have been stunned sometimes on meeting some friends' mothers, to find out that what I thought was idiosyncratic personal behavior was a family thing.

My mother was quiet and never ever flirted. And I have been quiet and learned to be as talky as I am now. Maybe my mother and I were neurotically shy, or maybe her mother was quiet..... and so on.

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Phoenix100 wrote:

And he was furious. . .and mumbled something about how we can continue our little clandestine conversation. He told me that night, that he was afraid his friend had already told me the truth. And, he kept trying to convince me that it was no big deal.

RED FLAG It's been my experience that liars and psychos tend to behave in this fashion. I love to accuse people of lying, cheating, stealing, being gay etc... anything that people instinctually cover up, in a razzing kind of way. The eyes (if not the mouth) of the guilty will typically betray even the most covert. Those driven to anger are... Idea

Phoenix100 wrote:

And he made me laugh--in a way that no one has ever made me laugh.

I understand. That's what I get out of my relationship with Gus.

Phoenix100 wrote:

Wow, I sound like a sap. Ick! I'll be working on that. :wink: Thanks for "listening" Occom Bill.

That's just silly. You're a sap only if you don't ultimately follow your own instincts. We may catch something you missed, but you know this guy best. For all I know this guy is your soulmate (or a serial killer).
Follow your heart.

Osso makes tons of sense too! For the record, my mom was the coolest person you could ever hope to meet! Cool

Watch Panzade closely, or he'll look down your blouse. Shocked

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This coming from a grown man with a wedge of cheese firmly planted on his head

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Hmmm, I meant my female pals behaving like their moms, but of course it is more that we all mimic who we were near as we learned to walk and talk, don't we? Not that little boys squeal like Mommie, but we do all pattern ourselves in different ways, wee ducklings that we were. I suppose I should explain, if you haven't looked me up, and because I see I have an ambiguous avatar, bless his heart, that I am a female.

My friend, B, waves her hands and repeats words like many.. partly because she stuttered as a child, but also because her mother waves her arms and speaks with sort of an adamant pacing. B is nothing if not feminine, but not in your usual fashion model mode. I didn't meet her mother for a few years after I met her and nearly fell over, yikes, twins!
Her other, stronger, personality trait, now and forever, is to question you. And how are you doing? And how....
which can get almost anyone answering, since she really listens and remembers.

mother did it too.

Sorry for the tangent. Just that your flirting may not be ALL a protective screen.

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Good advice here...

I had a friend like that, the bantering and 18 different levels and if we were in a group everyone else's heads going back and forth like they were at a tennis match... we stayed friends, despite a very strong attraction, and we both are glad we did. We were messed up in different ways at the time, helped each other through that, and helped each other (I think) be ready for the relationships that followed.

Maybe that's what would work best here?

Part of our messed-upedness at the time though is that we wouldn't address things straight on, and I'm nearly always in favor of stopping the dancing around, and just talking about things.

Good luck.

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panzade wrote:

This coming from a grown man with a wedge of cheese firmly planted on his head

What... you don't put yours on till regular season? Confused

New Here--How to reach the unreachable?

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