Mon 23 May, 2016 12:23 am
I'm in a unique position. I randomly road-tripped to where I am now 2 years ago, previously having no family or close friends nearby, I decided to spread my wings and potentially find a place I feel connected to or that I belong. It's been a wild ride and I've been pretty lucky considering I did it all on my own.
I met my now boyfriend at the first job I landed after moving here. We didn't start hanging out until after he had left the job and I was about to. One thing lead to another and I'm now living with him in a home he's paid off.
Things have always been...weird. For almost a year we were friends with more...I was wanting a relationship and he wouldn't entertain more than friends with benefits. As time passed I noticed other issues like we have barely anything in common, we have to do what he wants to do, and it has to go his way or he'll be immature by pouting, trying to blame me for "making him do" something he doesn't want to. The reality is he controlled most of what we did, where we went, and whenever I wanted "my turn", he would throw this 5 year old pout fit. I put up with it for a while, but eventually called him out on it. He still does it and tries to make me feel bad for fighting for the things I want to do.
I was at my wits end with him about 8 months ago. I was tired of him trying to control and manipulate me, making me feel bad for wanting a say in things, telling me to "shut up" or stop listening to me because I "need to learn to cut to the chase"...it was getting old and I didn't like being treated that way. Around the same time I was about to leave him alone and move on, I was having serious issues with my roommate. I had a full-time job and he was throwing parties til early in the morning and making it almost impossible for me to get shut eye.
I decided to tell the object of my affection via a text that since he didn't want a relationship with me anyways and was really my only "friend", and since my living situation was far from ideal and I could keep my job and be just about anywhere in the US (I worked from home); I was going to stop being his friend with benefits and move elsewhere.
Typically I was lucky to get a timely response from text or calling him, and I only seemed to be able to reach him if there was absolutely nothing else going on for him. Very shortly after I sent that text, he called me promptly and said he was coming over.
Even though I had told him I was done being friends with benefits and at most only wanted to be friends, when he came over he was super handsy. I had told him to stop, and it was unusual because most of the previous times he barely touched me unless he wanted go time. Now he was trying to be all snugly and all. I hate myself for doing this, but I gave in. I've had a not so good past with guys respecting my boundaries, and I felt it was safer to give in than risk him getting angry at my refusal and being forced upon as I have been previously.
I was scared to move because I didn't (and still don't) have the funds to cover my butt if anything goes wrong. I still don't even have enough to put a down payment on renting a place (first and last, etc.) He knew this. So his proposal was he has a house fully paid for that no one else is living in...I could move in and pay him 150 rent just to cover cable and internet, and I could have my own room. In my feelings of desperateness to get out of my living situation and buy some time to save before moving, I took him on his offer.
The whole story of "you'll have your own room" was a lie. From night one he was in the bed with me. The first time his family came to visit the home after we moved in he had randomly started referring to me as his "girlfriend" which took me back because of all the times he said he wasn't ready, didn't want a relationship, etc. He never talked to me about his change of heart. He just started calling me his girlfriend randomly, and so I am.
At first I guess I was positively effected by this. I still had an attraction and feelings for him, and though I was confused I just figured maybe when I had said I was leaving he'd realized I meant something to him and he didn't want me to go.
Things have been really rocky since. I had been getting sick a lot when we first moved in. I was having extreme abdominal pains (and I still get them). It ended up costing me my job because I was often-times bedridden. At the same time he was telling me to lose my job anyways. He didn't like me working because, even though he doesn't work, he likes to have friends over and do his own thing and didn't like that when I was working from home they had to be quieter and couldn't do whatever they wanted. It "inconvenienced him". After I lost my job, he was insistent on me getting another job and told me it was stupid to lose my job before getting another one...even though he knew I lost it due to my health not because I was trying to lose it. I managed to get unemployment due to the circumstances of my being fired, and have been looking for work that is part time with less stress, as my doctor believes that stress adds to my abdominal pains. I still haven't found a good fit yet.
My boyfriend also doesn't respect my things. Like today he spilled a drink in my car and I was insistent he clean it up. He gave me attitude, and DID clean it, but only after I told him if he doesn't I'm not giving him rides to places anymore. He kept saying "I can't wait til I get a car I'm so sick of relying on you for s***.." all because I wanted him to clean a mess he made!
We even got into a verbal disagreement about 2 months ago over something really stupid (food) and he hit me in the face while I was driving twice. I was so livid I brought my car to halt and turned it off (on a busy road with cars around us) and demanded he get out of the car. He refused to get out of the car. I threatened to call the cops if he didn't leave the car. He told me "stop being stupid, go, what are you doing, why are you doing this, go!!". I grabbed my phone to call the cops and he snatched my phone from me and still wouldn't get out of my car. I then tried to leave the car and he grabbed me firmly by the arm and pulled me towards him. When I realized there was nothing I could do I decided to defuse the situation. I said "okay okay I'll turn on the car and we'll go home". When we got home he got out the car and then I locked the doors, backed out the driveway and drove away.
I was shaking really badly. My gut told me "go to the cops, grab your stuff and leave". But I was scared. And this may seem stupid, but I was worried for my belongings. I have no money really so I got to thinking if he broke my computer or something like that there'd be no way for me to replace it. I went to Subway, grabbed a sub and a drink and just sulked wondering what to do. I didn't want to go home, but I had to all my stuff was there. And my one friend is on the East Coast, I'm over in the Midwest so far away, there was no way she could get to me or help me with this. All she kept saying was "leave, get out, he did it once he'll do it again".
I went home that night after a few hours hoping he was calmer and tried talking to him. He didn't really want to talk about it, but when he realized I was about to call the cops and have them help me move out he finally apologized for hitting me in the face. He had also told me he'd hit other girlfriends in the past, but claimed that they always hit him first, and one of them kept hitting him until he finally cracked and beat her up. He said she literally landed in the hospital... (and as he told me this I tried hiding how terrified I was to realize this is a trend, he's been doing this, and I'm at risk).
I didn't ultimately get the cops involved because in the past cops have never helped me with domestic issues. Like a few years ago I had a roommate hopped up on drugs holding a knife to my cat and threatening to kill it (he was also punting it around the house and beating it while I was at work... I ended up surrendering the cat to a no kill shelter and cried for days). The cops said since the roommate was threatening the cat's life and not mine, unless he actually kills the cat they couldn't get involved. So to say I have confidence in cops, and that's only one of several instances they haven't helped me in serious situations like all the years my adoptive family was abusing me and I ran away to the cops for help, I've really given up on reaching out to them (plus my boyfriend's family has a good relationship with the cops here).
I'm still here because of the issue of money. I have close to nothing now that I'm on unemployment, it barely keeps me afloat after bills. I just don't know what to do. I've wanted to leave him since that fight, as he's still smug, controlling, immature, doesn't respect my boundaries or feelings, and he won't let me leave! Every time I say "that's it I'm leaving" he says "go ahead!" but then blocks my way out via standing in the stairwell.
I feel trapped. I feel like there's no way out. I'm scared that if I don't find a way to leave soon, it's just a matter of time before he hurts me again, or that I'll be stuck in this dysfunctional relationship where I've grown increasingly depressed, hopeless, and like I can barely breathe. Even if I do get in my car and drive somewhere I don't have anywhere to go! I hate to admit it, but I feel so down I've been having suicidal thoughts. I just keep remembering all the bad things that have happened to me, and I feel like I don't have the tools I need to fix it all!
You should probably get a couple of clothes baskets, pack your most important belongings in those baskets, put them in your car, and drive to the nearest women's crisis center. They will put you up in a shelter and help you to get back on your own two feet.
I totally agree. You have no friends that you could count on now?
Call your local police dept. and ask for the number for the nearest crisis center. Get out, now.
This guy has brought down your physical health, emotional well being and spiritual self. What else is there?
No wonder you are depressed, lonely, scared, and sick!
Call friends. Call your family.
And then leave.
Seriously, people sometimes leave bad relationships with just the clothes on their back.