Reply
Wed 18 May, 2016 12:28 pm
I started dating my now husband 18yrs ago, I cheated on him after a couple years of dating. After 3yrs he decided he wanted to give it a try with another girl, he was man enough to tell me this instead of cheating on me. I was heartbroken, torn, I didn't understand, we were each other's first. After about a month we got back together, after that it seemed to go well but I was scared he was going to do it again. I ended up kissing a guy & I got caught in person & he still stayed with me but I didn't learn my lesson. A year later I started talking to a co-worker & I fell for whatever he would say. I ended up going out with him & he found out I was with him but he didn't know I had sex with him. It was a one time thing that I would always regret it for the rest of my life. Now that it came out 15yrs later our marriage is in jeopardy, I have never cheated on him after that. I tried to be the best mom to his kids & a great wife he deserves. I've done everything a wife should do except I lied every time he would ask me if I had sexual intercourse with him. I don't know what to do now, I don't want my marriage to fall apart for something I did. To make matters worse my husband is currently serving a 1yr tour in Korea. I've told him everything I could remember but he still doesn't believe me. I said I'd give it my all & be truthful, he said he won't ever forgive me & he doesn't believe me. How can we move on when he won't forgive me (I'm not expecting it to happen now) but later down the road. He's talked about divorce & how I have no say so in any decisions for our family. So now I'm just a person in our family, i have no value here, I'm worthless. I know what I did was wrong, I should've stepped up & told him I wanted to give it a shot with someone else but I was too stubborn & too selfish to let him go. I should've just told him the truth & let him go & have him be with someone better than me, with someone he deserves. He's the love of my life, father of kids, I'd do anything for him. I should've fought for our relationship & I didn't, I was young & ignorant & stupid. He's such a good person & husband, he didn't deserve this. How can I make it better, how do I gain that trust he lost in me? I started going to church but that is taking me no where.
For any of you thinking about cheating on your loved one, think twice about it & think how it would feel if it was done to you.
@Jujubopbop,
Sounds like you both were too young to be entering a committed relationship initially.
How long have you been married?
@Jujubopbop,
Let me get this straight. 15 years ago, before you were married but while you were dating him, you had a one night stand with a co-worker. He found out that you went out with him and you told him back then that there was no sex involved. My question then is why did this come up again after 15 years? Seems to me this issue should have been over as far as he was concerned if he accepted your version that nothing had happened and he stayed with you at the time.
If he has been bringing this up repeatedly over the years, then obviously he has not gotten over this and has not forgiven you.
In any case, at this point, the ball is in his court. If he wants to try to save the marriage, then I think counseling is probably in order. But if he is willing to throw away the marriage over something that happened one time 15 years ago, there is not much you can do about it.
Good luck.
"if he is willing to throw away the marriage over something that happened one time 15 years ago, there is not much you can do about it.'
I agree.
But something is fishy here. If he is using an incident that happened FIFTEEN YEARS ago as an excuse to divorce you, then something is wrong NOW.
What is HE doing NOW that makes him reach back to that incident?
Best to look at HIS behavior and see WHY he is talking divorce.
@ehBeth,
Yes, I have to admit we were both young. We started dating @ 14 & 15 yrs old. We've been married 10 yrs.
@CoastalRat,
The thing is, he has asked me throughout the years. This isn't a 15 year later thing. I kept lying to him saying nothing happened. Do I still deserve to be forgiven? But I think with him being away & chatting about it made it easy for me to confess. It's the cowardly thing to do i know but now it's all in the open.
@Jujubopbop,
You are both in your early 30's and he's holding something from your late teens against you?
I'd tell him to smarten his ass up - and start making plans for life without him.
I'd probably work with counsellors available through the military so that they can prepare him for life on his return home.
@PUNKEY,
He's thrown it around a couple of times but says he won't go through with it because he loves me but then he says I have no say so in our decisions & I have to work to gain his trust in me. I mean I've worked so hard to gain it & then just to lose it ALL. To him it feels like it did yesterday. He's the most honest person I know, I trust him.
@Jujubopbop,
It sounds like you've both outgrown each other.
@ehBeth,
I've considered counseling but he thinks it would make it worse & make him get angry even more. I'm not the best person to describe things nor I have the best memory, to him my story contradicts itself. I tried my best to give him every detail I can but he still weary about it. Honest to God I wouldn't come out with this just to lie again.
@Jujubopbop,
But he's also abusing you. He knows that as long as he hammers you with this, you will be a wreck and he can get whatever he wants. It's time for you to tell him you are tired of his insecurity and take your role as co-leader of the family. (Heck, if he is overseas, you are the sole leader of the family.)
@Jujubopbop,
Jujubopbop wrote:but then he says I have no say so in our decisions
nope
sounds like he's trying to play games
__
part of it may have to do with him having so little control over his military life and trying to have control over something/someone and that would be you
counselling asap
@ehBeth,
We've had a happy marriage, it's been great. We've had fights but about why don't take out the trash kinda stuff. We both have been very happy up until I came out & told him. I sometimes think I should've just continued denying it.
@Jujubopbop,
Go for counselling, with or without him.
You need to take care of yourself first.
@engineer,
Is it wrong that I feel like I deserve it? I told him in Feb & since then he's told me the sweetest things he could ever say & the worst, he came home for r&r & we were together like nothing has happened but of course we talked about it.
@Jujubopbop,
Jujubopbop wrote:
Is it wrong that I feel like I deserve it?
yes it is wrong that he's made you feel like that
@Jujubopbop,
Exactly what did you tell him in February? That you went out with a guy 15 years ago?
@Jujubopbop,
Jujubopbop wrote: sometimes think I should've just continued denying it.
did he keep asking about it over the years?
@ehBeth,
I definitely need to go & I've also considered going to my Dr for depression, (which I hate that word because all of my siblings & parents suffer from depression) I am a wreck but I force myself to get up & do what I have to do for my kids.
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace