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Fri 27 Aug, 2004 12:32 pm
Okay so this is my first time posting but i've been reading this for a few days and ya'll give some great advice so I was hoping ya'll could help me. Okay so I dated this guy for about a year and a half. He was my first love and I loved and still love him so much. We met in high school and had a really great, really serious relationship. We both really wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, I know that may sound silly to some of you, but it was really great. About a week before he broke up with me, we were fighting often and he was a little distant. We both really suffocated eachother in our relationship and we had both lost our freedom. It was okay at first, but he began to feel restless. About two weeks before I left for college (I'm a freshmen in college and he's a senior at my old high school), he broke up with me. He said that he loved me and was in love with me and wanted to be free. He wasn't interested in dating other people and I believed him. (I know it sounds stupid but you'd have to know him, he didnt have a girlfriend for 3 years before we got together, he's totally cool with being alone) Anyway he felt like he lost his identity, and his freedom and we were too young to be so serious. Our break-up was very messy. Well a few days later he called and told me how much he loved me and how he was in love with me, he wants to be with me, he just has to get these thought out of his head. Well a few times we decided to not date other people ever and to work on us. It went well for awhile. I mean yeah we messed around and stuff but we never slept together and he was actually more worried about me using him then him using me (which is weird for a guy). Well that went on and off twice. He took me to move in to my college (an hour and a half away). We talked for about a week, everyday but I was still really angry because of what happened and some of the hurtful things he had said to me. And he was mad at me because I told him I messed around with some guy(I know it was wrong but I was angry) the truth is that i've stayed loyal to him the whole time and I knew I shouldnt have told him that but I cant go back now. So he was mad about that and some of the mean, hurtful things I said to him. So he called me and said he loved me and is in love with me and still thinks i'm his soulmate but it hurts him too much to fight and he's afraid we would end up hating eachother so we were just gonna be friends for now, but you never know what'll happen and he isn't throwing the idea of us getting back together away. Well that was last Thursday. He said on Sunday he'd call me, and he did but I wasn't home. So I called him back and he asked if he could call me back in a few minutes and I said sure...that was the last time i've heard from him. The next day I was feeling irrational and called his cell phone like 10 times (literally) within an hour or so, and called his house 3 times. His mom told me he wasnt home or was in the shower, she was really nice to me so I didnt think anything was wrong. I im'ed him and he never responded. In our relationship I was very needy. I called him constantly, it used to be mutual but as he got comfortable with me he backed down from that, but I never did. I felt like such an idiot for calling him so much. I am so proud of myself because I haven't called him since (it's only been 3 days but still..) and I think he's just playing a game with me. Like who will call first. I have no clue why he's avoiding me. I think maybe bc he just wants his space (like he's been asking for and I haven't given him...oops), or maybe he doesn't love me anymore or is just trying to forget me. If that's the case then why did he say all that sweet stuff to me on Thursday.(you have to know that he doesnt say stuff like that if he doesnt mean it, and we were so in love and we were best friends, he couldnt just not say goodbye) I know he's immature and selfish (he's 17) but he hasn't always been like that. He used to be really well liked but all the trouble started when he started working at this place with kids much older than him, now he thinks he's so cool. and thats when he started being like this. Except now he's losing/lost all his real friends and i'm sure those older kids(i'm talking 20,21,22) don't really want him around, i mean what can they do, he is still underage and cant do anything and they can do whatever they want. My friends at school say he looks either miserable or like he's faking his happiness. Someone told me he talks to a lot of girls but just like talk. Not "talk". And I talk to guys, I mean you cant just not talk to other people because they are the opposite sex. And he told me he really regrets breaking up with me (and he hardly EVER regrets things) but he feels like the damage has been done and he cant fix it right now. He says he wants to be with me, he just cant right now. My mom tells me if I don't chase him he will come back. I would move on except that we had such a wonderful thing that I just cant let go of what we had. And he must still love me. You cant just fall out of love with someone over night. I know i'm still very in love with him. Part of me knows I should just pick up the pieces and move on...but I can't. I know a part of me will always be holding on him. Please help me. How can I get him back? Do you think if I just leave him alone, he'll come back? My mom said she thinks he'll start to worry about why im not calling and call me. I still love him and think of him constantly. How can I get him back? Can I get him back? And how do I not let this happen again? I know that you cant make someone want to be with you, but he told me a million times, throughout our whole breakup he loves me and wants to be with me. He just wants to get settled in his mind so he doesn't hurt me again. He said we'd get back together in a year, then it changed to 3 months, then 2 weeks, then he stopped talking to me. What do ya'll think? Please help me. I'm so miserable and I miss him so much. I'm too young to feel thins way and i'm throwing away the funnest time of my life on him. How can I get him back and be happy again? Thanks so much. Sorry it was so long.
-- Why do you want someone who is 'immature and selfish;' do you think that you'll change him back to the way that he was?
-- A soulmate is something very heavy to throw around, and people should not describe others as soulmates without having definitive reason. So, if you are his soulmate, and he thinks that you are so perfect, why is it that he ignores your calls?
If you want the guy, I guess that you will have to prove that you don't cling. Don't go mad on phoning him; have a good time for yourself, even if it does not involve other guys; be assertive, not passive, when he phones... don't be afraid to question him.
The question remains, though; do you really want someone as changeable as he is?
-- Drom.
Quote:Part of me knows I should just pick up the pieces and move on...but I can't. I know a part of me will always be holding on him. Please help me.
I think I can help you. Go to the library. Find a copy of
Great Expectations, by Charles Dickens. Read up until you find a character named Miss Haversham, (I believe that was her name.) After you read her part, ask yourself if you want to be the 60 year old woman with one shoe on reliving one past moment of projected perfect love, or if you want a normal life for yourself?
If you love him, let him go! If it's meant tobe, he will comeback to you when he's ready. In the meantime,
do your school work.
'Zactly.
Stop calling him. 10 times in a few hours? Sheesh, no wonder he's avoiding you. And that's what he's doing - he's avoiding you. Why? Well, probably because, I bet, you're driving him nuts with your demands. And even if you aren't, you're too much in his face. If you say you're going to give someone their space, mean it.
Oh, and another thing, since it appears that he never had a girlfriend before you, and that this is your first serious relationship, plus you just changed your life in a big way by going away to college, don't you think that maybe a part of this breaking up, making up merry-go-round is happening because both of you are growing up and growing apart? Maybe, just maybe, he is seeing that you are changing, or that he is changing, or that things are different in High School now that you're not around. After all, long distance relationships are a whole other ball of wax.
Let him go and then go out and have fun at college. Study, of course, but also experience the social end of college. This doesn't necessarily mean sex and dates, it can just mean going to parties and having time with friends of both genders. If it's meant to be, it'll happen. If not, you'll have built an interesting, satisfying life for yourself and will find that clinging is unattractive - not just to the guy but also to you.
Good luck - college is a fun time. Enjoy it.
vindicatedhope--
Welcome to A2K.
I'm going to be brutal. Your parents are spending a goodly amount of money for your Freshman Year At College and you have started your Freshman Year At College by yearning after a hometown ex who wants nothing to do with you.
I interpret "soulmate" as "a part of myself without which I am not complete". You're what? 18? You refuse to notice that the hometown ex doesn't feel the same way? He's not your "soulmate". You've created an idealized version of your old love as a security blanket.
If this is your idea of a satisfactory college experience, go talk to someone in the Dean's Office to see whether you can withdraw now and get some of your parents' tuition money back.
Good luck.
"My mom tells me if I don't chase him he will come back." Mom, Drom and the rest have you well covered here. Good Luck and welcome to A2K!
ENJOY COLLEGE!! You have NO idea how badly you will want to go back to those days once they are gone!
There are tons of guys out there who you can meet, hang out with, get to know, make out with, whatever, not to mention a million different clubs, organizations and groups you can join.
Do yourself a favor and don't hang onto high school.
Hey ya'll thanks for the advice. Well to answer Drom's questions. I'm not really neglecting college life. I mean I still have fun but my heart is broken so sometimes I just wanted to stay home. He just said stuff about he doesnt want to be with me and he yelled at me a few times which was new for him. I guess he doesnt want a serious relationship but I feel like I would take whatever he wanted to give me. But he used to want it. He just changed. I guess I think that this immature, selfish thing is a phase. He was never like that in our relationship and I feel like he will go back to the way he was. Princesspupule that is good advice but I just can't wait. I'm the kind of person who feels like they have to do something. jespah you're totally right about the space thing, do you think if I give him space he'll come back? And i'm doing fine in college. I get good grades and I still have fun. I just mope sometimes at home.
Thanks OCCOM BILL. I hope you're right. Ya'll are all right but I still want to know, he says he loves me and is in love with me and all that and still wants to be with me, he just can't right now. Why is he saying all this? So do you ya'll think if I give him space he'll come back? Thanks for the help everyone. Keep posting
He's young, you're young. Give him the space and he'll come back again, then go away again. Maybe several times. At some point in time, you will meet another person you will be sure is your "soulmate." Maybe 2, or 3.
Go get yourself a copy of
Great Expectations, and stop moping about this guy. It is so not worth the time spent, trust me. Maybe get yourself a copy of
Candide, by Voltaire, while you're in the library. That is a story of soulmates who find their way back to each other. :wink:
Thanks for the advice again. I still miss him though, I just wish I could figure out a way to move on. If anyone has ideas, i'd be more than happy to hear them. Thanks ya'll. Keep posting
Haircut
Manicure
Facial
Massage
etc, etc, etc
A couple hot new attention grabbing outfits. Then go someplace where the men outnumber the woman 2 to 1... and turn down man after man after man until you feel as good as you look or one makes you forget that other fella's name... whichever comes first. :wink:
vindicatedhope--
Don't live as though your happiness depends on someone else changing his mind. People stage revolutions for the right to control their personal lives. Neither reluctant lovers or political tyrants are comfortable bedmates.
Pick out an hour every day to devote to missing your high school flame. Personally, I'd choose early morning when your dorm mates are pre-occupied. After 60 minutes of nostalgic suffering, put him out of your mind and start exploring the college world: people, classes, the campus student culture; the campus opportunities for liberal arts; sports; unstructured working out..... Keep your eyes out and your mind open. Campus organizations are looking for you.
Believe it or not, midterms are coming. Don't let your class assignments accumulate. Do the assigned reading daily.
Don't worry about dating right now--worry about living.
Good luck.
Hell, just get a copy of Archie And Veronica...reading that must be more fun than getting stomped on...nudge wink
Hey ya'll. I'm so confused. Everyone keeps giving me different advice. Some people tell me to move on and some tell me to wait for him. I'm trying to give him his space but nothing is happening.(it's only been a week....but still) how long is this gonna take? Someone help me.
Moving on is your best chance of getting him back. When he sees/hears/feels you are out with someone else it will make him sh!t or get off the pot. It is both the best way to get him back AND the best way to get over him. Pretty cool, eh?
You dog you! Don't ever die.
You know it's true Panzade... you know it's true. :cool:
Do you really want to put your life on hold for a man/boy who may or may not change his mind?
Suttee in the Western World at a Young Age!
Move on and do other things. If he comes around, fine. If he doesn't, you'll have other things in your life. Life's too short to sit and wait for anyone.
.
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