no sex drive - part 2

What great advice from everyone.

It's difficult to have any desire for someone when the trust has been blown. Long calls to old girlfriend, refuses to end it, that has to change. Knowing that I'm suprised you can have sex with him at all.

You could alway's call the old girl friend and ask her why she is hell bent on being a home-wrecker.

If I were anywhere near your husband, I think that I would have to smack him, I'm afraid.

He just seems arrogant. He puts all this pressure on you, all about sex, so that, in your words, he doesn't have to do anything. He had better learn that marriage and intimacy is a two-way game. Have you had the opportunity to tell him exactly what's going on? Or does he not listen?

Sure, paulaj, I can do that.


Look out the window. You should see it snaking down the street in a couple of minutes.

Impressive... command!

Low sex drive...(Pilots Wife)
Hello I am a newbie just joined the board today and I am very happy to have done so. I wanted to quickly interject here and let you know "Piolotswife" that I think that your husband may be playing you. I hate to accuse but it seems that he is projecting himself to you rather than saying I am leaving you because I need more sex and am possibly getting it elsewhere its more like I am instead going to pin it on you and make you believe that its your fault in otherwords he sounds as though he's lying about what he's really doing. I am sorry but a loving spouse or one that truly loves his wife would never use that awful analogy of you giving him "pity sex" unless they personaly uses those definition with himslef.
He's with you only partime and when he comes in he's rating you the mother of his children" the way a guy that has women across the country would rate a mistress or mistresses.
I think he's looking for a way out.
I hope I am wrong but you need to tell him what your thinking and feeling
I am a woman wiht 6 kids I know all about tired ..my husband has seemingly always asked about me giving it up more and I was feeling tired and I had no drive .
I felt a distance within my marriage emotionaly, like all I ever hear about was his work,I felt that we never talked yet I never talked either, or how I dont give it up enough and finaly I had a God moment I was like what the hell do you want from me!!! I have 6 kids and by the way who the hell are you?? 15 years had already passed me by that we have been together I started to see all the things that where important to me the selfishness on both parts. The realization that there are two of us in this realationship I had a flash of what things could be like , I couldnt imagine loosing him and I finaly decided to sit down to talk to him I needed to know what was on his mind lying pretending was not going to help but honesty no matter what it was I was was willing to hear it. My husband was so patient with me I thanked him for that. I apologized to him for taking him for granted, I accepted my copability in my marriage for the problems my lack of interest in him, in our relationship had caused . Sex is not only about pleasure, it is beautiful, it is healing, nurturing, it is a gift that perpetuates wholeness. But I realized everything we thought we knew about sex, it was all backwrds we both realized that in marriage there are skills that are required, our crowning achievement has been realizing that there where certain skills we both lacked but loved each other enough to learn them. That is real love but it takes two. Sometimes we get lucky in love the first time and we choose the right mate and sometimes we chose the wrong mate.
Marriage, Love and sex are copartners they need to be balanced if a man truly loves his wife his family there is no job too impotrant or mountain to high to climb for her and his children.
Never be fooled for one moment that our jobs in life are to be sex objects for the purpose to get off or to get someone else off at their whim. I think that society has lost the purity in sex.
There truly is a differance of making love which is so fullfilling and mutual and well balanced then theres a quick get me off thing bend over and wham see you later gonna watch a game .

welcome renew-a thoughtful post

I extend the welcome. You made some very valid remarks.

Thanks again to everyone and your posts. My husband has been at work since Friday - and was supposed to come home tonight around 6pm but his flight was delayed due to weather. Of course the first thing that popped into my mind was - yeah sure, he is probably done with work and just going to visit his ex for a quicky. But I checked online and sure enough - his flight is still in the air - so no sneaking around... tonight... But man... to have to live like this... I hope I can re-trust him again.

He admitted on the phone the other night after talking for almost 3 hrs - that he has been mean to me - putting all the blame of our problems on my supposedly lack-of-desire. He said that it is the guilt of what he did to me and the kids by talking to his ex - that made him turn the blame elsewhere. I'm sad that he had to do that... but I'm glad he is finally realizing it.

We go to the counselor together tomorrow - hopefully this session will be more helpful.

Oh - paulaj - yeap... I did call the girlfriend - twice. The first time was before I knew the extent of the phone calls. I approached her kinda like a friend - telling her that I knew they were talking about our relationship - and did she know of any tips or things that I could do to make our relationship better. I won't get into details but all she mentioned where sex related things that my husband talked about. I kept saying... besides sex... and she couldn't think of anything - saying that she really thought he loved me. Then the second time I called... I was more upset naturally - I was trying to find out things like - when did they meet, were they planning more meetings...etc. That was when I found out that she was separated from her husband because he had cheated on her 3 times. She said she never realized that her talking and seeing my husband secretly would be cheating. I asked if her husbands sexual affairs started out as friends and she got quiet and said yes. And then proceeded to apologize /etc... I just made her promise not to reck anyone else's marriage. Hope she follows through on it.

Glad that your husband has acknowledged his guilt and apologized for the shabby ways he expressed it. That seems like an important step.

Hurray that your working on it...
Hello Pilotwife,
I am so happy that you guys(hubby and you) have now opened up the line of communication thats a start.
Everything that you have been feeling is justifiable..I am married to a much older man hes in his late 50's and I am in my mid thirtees. I know a 22yr age differance but you know it works. Along time ago he told me male and females cannot really ever be just platonic freinds that at some point the thought or action of physicality will come into play. I argued no thats not true and bla bla bla.. I had a male freind from highschool that I never dreamed of that would ever be an issue but I started to see that as time goes on and we get older we grow and I let my freind of years go to respect my husbands feelings with at first regret and then after a split second I realized my husband was right. He told me anything that you would tell a freind you should always know that you should/could tell me I want to be your everything your lover,your best friend, your shoulder to cry on everything, as your husband all that belongs to me (I want to be your number one). I thought at first what is this guy nutts? Is he trying to control me,but I soon saw that he was right there was no room for a another guy in my marriage and that there "is" a problem if spill my gutts to my "guy friend" all the things that I should be telling my husband thats not fair and its not right to my husband.
I am a true believer.. that all things can be worked out ...in any realationship if "both " parties "truly" want for things to work, they really will work out.
The interesting thing about sex sometimes the guy who thinks they need it all the time really dosn't what he really wants is "intamacy" however he dosn't know how to express that in any other way except through sex. What is intamacy?? Talking about hidden things within ourselves, the sharing of feelings, thoughts , to be told/tell someone I desire you,to cuddle to kiss for lenghths at a time. Without Sex,, just to be near each other. (becomes just as satisfying) Sex will always be the fruit of the intamacy" You both will know you have reached that place when you miss him before he walks out the door.. when he leaves the door and has to call you just to hear your voice, sharing each moment to the fullest everything outside his job is about you...and the kids. Me and my husband miss eah other when he walks out the door and he only works a mile away from home I cant imagine him being gone longer than that we like to be together. After we started to talk more openly we both felt a hidden release I know that I have 6 kids but I gotta tell you I find it the highpoint of my day to see my husband walk in the door and look forward to our quiet moments together whatever it might brings. Sometimes its sex sometimes it just sitting and talking sometimes its its watching T.V but as long as we are there together enjoying each other the family we really feel happy. We do not want to take our life, what god has given us, each other, for granted not for even a moment longer than we already did when we didnt see the riches that the love we already had brought forth, sometimes when you wallow in self pity, or your not hearing eachother because you have tuned the other out because you can only see the stuff you hate in the other person moreso than the goodness in them that attracted you to them in the first place,you can easily drown in your life and see the rest of it slowly feel to unravel. In a real realationship when two work at it and want to grow there is no other way to go but up. I use to have a lower sex drive but after hearing my husband and deciding what I wanted from the marriage I started to work on me. I started to accept the things that I knew where my fault I was less then affectionate, pouring myself out for others never him I changed the things that I felt where wrong on my part he has been working hard on his part where we are working at it together and everything else falls into place. My children are gifts to me from the lord and I need to cherish them ,I came to realize something else my husband is also a gift from god and I need to cherish him to. I had personal guilt issues about sex. Now I have realize how that all affected me greatly without knowing it.
The only way to really expirence healing and openess is you really have to honest to your husband and to yourslef,and vice versa.
Honesty is the most empowering thing I have ever expirenced.. wow you know why because you just can not argue with the truth and you just know it when you hear it and see it.
I am free now to love him comepletely and I am open to him and that was all he really wanted, was to know and feel this.
Everything else is flowing from this ..sex is not a chore to me anymore, even when I am a bit tired, I know my husband is to, and it becomes a wonderful sacrifice on both parts and it means alot more just like the differance when someone has really taken the thought and time for you in a well planned action or present,verses at the last second running to the corner drug store and grabbing something for you off the shelf and says "here a gift for you" thats still in a brown paper bag

Good luck

"A wonderful sacrifice." Huh.

Well, welcome Renew34, I disagree heartily with several aspects of your post but wish you the best of luck.

Just wanted to follow up on this... we went to therapy together Tuesday. This time it went better. We talked about how I feel betrayed about the affair - and came to an agreement that if the girl ever calls my husband in the future that he has a planned short speech to say - sorry I can't talk to you anymore - it will hurt my marriage.

And then we talked about our sex levels not being in tune. The one thing that made me happy was that the doc told my husband not to do the 3am wakeup calls anymore. My husband was saying that he didn't "want" to wake me up during the night but that he physically had to. The doc told him to go take care of himself in the other room if he couldn't wait until the morning.

It is going to take time... I still find myself checking his cell phone for calls... hopefully things will get back to normal one day. Thanks all for your support!

That all sounds encouraging, pilotwife!

I'm hopeful too

We're pulling for you.


And not in a sexual way.

Getcher minds outta the gutter. :-D

Jes?...a little frisky today?

In an odd mood, I think it's the coffee. <stares into cup>

It's all good