no sex drive - part 2

If my husband wakes me in the middle of the night for sex, I tell him where to stick it....and it isn't where he'd like to.

Is it that you don't desire your husband at all or that you physically just don't want to have sex? There is a difference. You can mentally want someone and know that you still want to have sex with them but your body is just not into it (too tired, stressed out, depressed) or you can just flat out not want someone. Answering that could help bring you closer to finding a solution.

Anti-depressants will usually decrease your sex drive, not increase it so that is not the immediate answer to your problem. Also, hormones can be dangerous, causing higher chances of female reproductive cancers. Drugs are usually not the answer.

If you still want to desire your husband, but your body is protesting...I think that you are probably just tired. I mean, you are raising 2 children practically on your own. Your husband needs to be more sympathetic to your situation.

Consider seeing a sex therapist. Sounds crazy, I know, but it might help work out the issues behind this. Good luck!

He doesn't actually try it, does he, Kristie?

That's a hell of a long reach.

It isn't that I don't physically want sex - I really love him and enjoy it - but my body is too tired. When he does wake me up at 3am and we start doing it - eventually I get into it and enjoy it - but he calls it "pity" sex 'cause he had to initiate it. I'd rather wait until the morning and really feel like doing it. He says that most of the time the morning don't work 'cause the kids are awake. 1 out of the 3 times this week was in the morning...


We actually went last week and are going again on Tuesday. The guy said for us to take time alone together - and to give me time alone. But my husband now thinks it is a crock - that I will never get better. Thanks!

Not liking your husband much.

Do you have help with the kids when he's gone? 3 and 1!!

Your requests (2 hours of time to yourself after he's been gone for several days) seem completely reasonable to me.

It sounds like you're on the right track with counseling, but he has to take a little responsibility. He can't shift all of the blame to you. Sounds like he might have deeper issues -- guilt for how often he's gone, something.

Good luck.

What do you mean? Reach from where?

[steps in for fear of what Gus' explanation will entail]

It's in reference to your "where he can stick it" comment, Kristie.

I consider sex a gift. When two people love each other, they GIVE that as a gift to one another. You might consider this and ask yourself, and him why it is he thinks he can demand a gift be given to him when he wants it. Who does that? Would he demand a gift from anyone else? If he doesn't get a gift from his mother on his birthday, does he behave this way?

"Someone" I know well was in a similar situation with small children, home responsibility, homework duty, and all that a stay at home mom does. She got the 3 am wake ups, pouty and sometimes even angry behavior when she didn't comply, and the guilt trip that it was her fault, too. She left his arse for a couple of years and let him figure it out. I'm not saying your situation necessarily calls for such action, but I do think you need to set your foot down about his treatment of you.

As my mother once told me, "If one of you is gonna have an ulcer, let it be him."

Good advice, s (both s's, I mean).

Your husband isn't exactly being helpful here. I mean, for one thing, he seems to have little patience in the matter - demanding that everything be fixed quickly, and then getting pouty and angry when you can't turn it on ASAP? I mean, hello, that's just, well, that's childish.

I think counseling is going to be the only way to get through to him that the legitimate concerns and issues are not all on his side.

dwelling on the problem
Absense makes the heart grow fonder! (At least for your husband.)

Your dear husband is gone 4 days out of every week. During those 4 days, he's thinking about you--loving you--missing you--craving you. He's a young man who is in love with his wife. When he comes home, he wants to pull you into his arms and make love to you. He loves you passionately, but you don't return that passion. You push him away emotionally and physically.

For you, sex is just another chore. Instead of missing him and longing for him while he's away 4 days a week--you're stuck at home with all the responsibilities. You are building up unresolved issues of resentment. When he comes home, you want him to take over the responsibilities so you can have a break. But, that doesn't happen and your resentment grows. You begin to view his desire for you as another demand upon you. Sex is just another responsibility that you resent, and you push him away emotionally and physically.

The result: He yearns for your touch. He yearns for you to want him as much as he wants you. You resent him for being gone the majority of the time and placing all the responsibilities on your shoulders. You're not willing to welcome him home with hungry kisses and passionate caresses. Instead, you want him to know how difficult and tiring it is to raise a family and take care of a home all by yourself--right down to mowing the lawn. Why should you cater to his needs and make his three-day weekend at home blissful when he's only going to walk out that door again and leave you with all the work?

The two of you have drawn your battle lines. When he left this last time, he announced he would NOT touch you when he returned.

He has made this a battle about sex--about your lack of interest in him. But, it's really not about sex at all. The lack of sex is merely a symptom of the larger problem. He doesn't understand that you're not coping well in your role as his weekend wife. If you're not happy, he thinks you can resolve you unhappiness by taking pills. NOT TRUE.

I think you need to seriously address your lifestyle that hinges on his work schedule. Your lifestyle isn't working for you. You apparently need a full-time husband who you can share the daily responsibilities with--rather than a part-time husband who merely comes home on weekends and expects you to be his passionate wife.

Nothing is "wrong" with you hun . You are just tired, like most women who have young children. You need to make arrangements with a family member, close friend or paid housekeeper to take care of the children for a weekend, so you and your husband can have a mini-vacation to renew the romance.

Maybe go with him on his next trip
This should be done periodically. If you cannot manage a weekend, one night in a motel will do. Please follow through on this. Trust me I have been married 15 years and I have to have sex everynight lol but my husband and I make time for each other needs it is never about ones needs it is about both of our needs.


It is obviously you both have some marriage problems that need to be worked out. I don't mean to pri is there another woman ?
In any case, it's time for you both to go to the next level in intercourse. A whole new way of relating.Maybe he needs to take a step back and let you seduce him.

He needs to be in support of you getting to the truth of what's going on with/between you both .


You need to talk openly about your sex life maybe try something new like phone sex with him etc it may sound strange and kinky but it might just add spark

I believe what you said is true Debra_Law - we do need to address our lifestyle. Even though I've been "weekend wife" for 8 yrs - I have only been stay-at-home wife for 1 yr (since birth of 2nd child). When I was working with one child - my husband planned his schedule so he could be stay-at-home Dad for 2 days a week. Sharing in the responsibilities worked out great. Now that he doesn't do that - he doesn't even know what our youngest child eats! That is why I can't get any time alone - I'll be in the shower and he will walk in asking... do you think I should give her a bottle now? Or she will cry at night and he will say - she'll go to sleep faster if you go in there. He is unwilling to let me get a part-time job - saying that it isn't feasible due to daycare charges - and that he doesn't want to change his work schedule again to be stay-at-home Dad. Sounds like another battle line he picked to me. I do want to mention though that I do give him affection - give him wanting kisses in front of the kids when he comes home so he knows that when we are alone that I want him - but a lot of the times when the time alone comes I am legitimately too tired. That is why he mostly waits for me to be asleep and try to "get me off guard" so my quiet pleas for no... let me sleep... are easier to ignore then the loud ones before I go to sleep.

As for RoseMarie and sozobe - you both touched on a subject I wasn't going to mention in order to get some un-biased reactions. The reason this all came to bloom was that I found out he was having a "non-sexual" affair with his ex-girlfriend from high school. He was calling her for 2-3hrs a night from his cell phone while he was at work. He said it didn't have anything to do with our relationship 'cause he did it while he was at work and there was no sex involved. The more and more we dove into the situation I realized it was more then just a little talk - it was ... wake up in the morning, call her.... call me at 9:30 at night for 5min to say goodnight... 9:35pm call her for 2 hrs... missing kiddy parties 'cause he said he was working - but really was talking with her... then sneaking around saying he wasn't done with work yet and going to see her before he came home... then calling her while we were on family vacations... and so on... Our therapy session was 80% based on dealing with our "sex" problem - or should I say "my sex problem" instead of the betrayal I felt from the affair. So I've felt blame all week - but now I've been thinking back and being like - "hello... I'm the victim here". Maybe I didn't "feel" the love from him to get me to desire him these past months - 'cause his affection was somewhere else. Maybe having to spend his free time with the kids now (what the therapist suggested) is killing him 'cause he can't sneak off and see his girlfriend. I think I'm drawing another battle line -- why should I give in to "pity" sex... have him "lube" me up at night and use me while I'm legitimately sick and saying No... We talked about this last night - and that is why he put up his battle line of - I'm not going to touch you when I get home.

I think there is a lot wrong with our marriage right now... one of them is that I have to learn to stand up for myself - get a part-time job even if it isn't financial sound if it makes me sound -- don't give in to his late night demands -- Kristie, and my sister both had the same thoughts about that one -- and if he isn't ready to let me physically get into sex then maybe I should let him go get it elsewhere but not married to me, which is not what I want. I would love to go on trips with him... get a hotel room... make it more of a gift instead of him just taking it. I just hope we can work on all these issue and make it work.

Thanks to you all for your posts.

The two-hour phone calls with lover girl have got to be addressed. That's obviously a part of what's eating at you. Address this in counseling, either with him or alone.

My husband and I had different sex drives for a while because of his job
(I wanted it and he didn't). I can relate to your husband on the level that when your partner doesn't want to have sex with you, even though you might know it isn't out of lack of desire, you can't help but feel a little less sexy and desirable. HOWEVER, and this is a big HOWEVER, he has no right to make you feel like it is your fault. And he should never coerce you into sex. No means no, whether or not you are his wife.

Not to mention, he should take more responsiblity with the children. They are his too; you didn't get pregnant on your own!

The one statement you made I can't agree with is that you are a victim. You are only a victim if you allow yourself to be and you have many choices in this matter. What you do is up to you.
From what you tell us, you are a smart, hard working, loving woman who just wants her family back and is just too damn tired to play the passionate wife, (as Debra_law said).

The first thing you need to do about this is tell him to get rid of the hussy (being his ex girlfriend). It is either her or you, point blank. There is no reason why a married man should carry on with another woman that way, sexual or not. Having female friends is one thing but the excessiveness of his time spent with her or talking to her is quite another.

Do not be the victim! Take control of your life because no one else will for you. I wish you only the best of luck with this and I hope that things work out for you! :wink:

When I made my comments I did not know that he was having an affair be it sexual or not this opens a entire new picture for me and my views on this what I feel of affairs and cybersex and cheating maybe to much a debate to really get into it all on here however I think your marriage does need to adress as it is much more than the sex issues here

If you need someone to talk to though I don't know you my door is always open

I hate to see any marriage end and if all else fails I say get you drunk and plot revenge ok I had to add some humor to make you smile


Hugs Rose

I definitely got major guilt vibes from what you said before. I think he's guilty and not wanting to deal with it. He needs to deal.

And what you're saying about waking you up at night because your protests are not as vociferous is shading into downright creepy. I definitely think putting the kibosh on that is a place to start. I'm glad you can deal with this in the context of therapy.

Thanks again to all. I just spent an hour (kids asleep ) surfing the net - and found a lot of information in Hypoactive Sexual Desire (low)- and Hyperactive (high)... I even took some online tests to see "where you fall" - and I was mild - hypoactive... which I don't think is that bad. I think the difference in levels between my very Hyperactive husband and I are just so different we have to figure out how to handle it. I even found some books that I ordered on the subject that will hopefully help.

Thanks Kristie for giving me a view into the other side. I agree with you and everyone else that all the other things that he is doing - like the blame and coercing me to have sex should stop. Not to mention what is being put on the back burner... his affair with his ex. According to him it is over (she found out I knew and told him that she shouldn't call anymore) - but when I asked him last week to specifically tell her it was over... he lied, said he did... but then later in the heat of an argument confessed that he never called her - he thinks it is mean of him to tell her never to call him again. (His refusal to call her is a bright red flag that he doesn't want it over). So we'll see if we can get over that and work on our love life. He constantly says we need to first work on our love life then deal with the betrayal - but there is no way I can do that.

Rose - I wanted to say thanks for the smile - I need them lately.

This just keeps getting worse. Does this sex therapist of yours deal with general relationship issues? I mean it's all so intertwined; sex is about sex, but sex is also about intimacy, especially in a long-term relationship. And if he's done all this stuff to shoot your trust and intimacy to hell...

-sigh-

Good luck.

You know, if I stretch a little bit, and really strain....I think it might just reach.

< whew! I've been working on this for a bit >

Hey Gus could you stretch it over here to the Boston area, all this talk about sex.