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Sun 8 May, 2016 05:02 am
Hello Everyone,
First off thanks for reading...sometimes I just need advise, insight or another way of looking at a situation.
I've been with my man for a year now. He was married before and still is in contact with her. I know they're friends (which personally drives me crazy) though what can I do. In all honesty I trust him and know he would never cheat with me on her. He's not this type and they were living as friends only for years.
I can't really pinpoint what pisses me off so much. Perhaps it's that they still share details of their life. They have no kids. But she messages him when she lands safely where she's vacationing to. I don't know if it's him or her who is requesting to know this. For me he should be worried about me and not care where she's going. I guess it's the talking that bothers me or maybe it's cause she doesn't know about me.
Anyhow, I'm not the type to look at his phone but I did this weekend and there were 2 messages that devastated me. One was about how she's the most perfect person, the second was that she was the most beautiful person/woman (I can't remember which one) ever. Ever! He wrote ever! Mind you I don't get messages from him. Every now and then I get an I love you. But I can't help but think WTF was he thinking when he wrote this...did I not cross his mind when he was writing she was the most beautiful person ever. (for eff sake did he write this in the bed where we make love or in our home) Aren't I suppose to be this? and when he wrote my sweet (her name) did I not cross his mind that I'm his sweet girl? We live together, we're getting married. For me this is wrong. He thinks it's no big deal. He says this is something he would send his friends and that it's not a loving message. Though he has no other girl friends to send this to. He said there was no reason for writing it that he just did it. It's normal for him.
I really don't know. As my man says "you know deep in your heart that there is nothing between us. We are just friends." and yes, I actually believe this. However, I hate that he says he will always be friends with her and talks and shares his life. So do I just drop this and move on and think this man is living with me and we're happy and nothing he is doing is wrong...I'm sure you'll say yes. Or do I insist he cut's contact with her, tell her he's getting married and to only contact him when there's issues. My gawd I'm an adult woman and this seems silly but this friendship pisses me off. I'm not the type to keep ex boyfriends around. When you're done. you move on.
Thoughts, advise, suggestions....but please be nice. It this no big deal or is this not right?
He may or may not truly be untrustworthy, but you already don't trust him, anyway.
So, why are you hanging around, again?
I am not going to say "You should not have looked in his phone and therefore you have no right to say anything about what you found there". In the real world, people have suspicions or doubts and they try to resolve them. You found out that he wrote to his ex that she is the most "perfect person", and the most "beautiful person/woman", "ever". Well, either 1. he meant these things, in which case in his mind you are less than his ex, because "most" and "ever" are absolutes, or 2. he didn't mean these things, which means he is the kind of guy who says big, absolute things he doesn't mean to women. This may well include the occasional "love you" messages he sends to you. In either case he is one to dump. It sounds like he is either stupid, or he thinks you are, because he left these on his phone (he valued them enough to keep!). I am guessing you are already thinking like this, and are seeking validation, well you've got that from me. Time to leave already.
Despite being voted down, I stand by what I said. It would be good if cowardly downvoters actually had the courage to say what they disagree with.
So he's not the type to cheat.
You're not the type to look at his phone....
@brownidgurl,
brownidgurl wrote:My gawd I'm an adult woman and this seems silly but this friendship pisses me off. I'm not the type to keep ex boyfriends around. When you're done. you move on.
Thoughts, advise, suggestions....but please be nice. It this no big deal or is this not right?
this is a big deal to you so it doesn't matter what we think about his friendship with/love for his ex
he has a positive relationship with his ex. it's a problem for you. it's not fair for you to expect him to change for you, just as he shouldn't expect you not to be upset (same no change expectation applies on both sides)
you can't accept him the way he is? move on
@ehBeth,
Quote:he has a positive relationship with his ex.
This is not just a 'positive relationship'. He told the ex she was 'the best ever' etc. I would certainly want out of a situation where my supposed devoted partner had written that to an ex.
Thank you all for your replies.
I do believe this man would not physically cheat on me. He's not that type and I know he wouldn't. But I do think there's other non- physical forms of cheating. Yes, I looked at his phone because I wanted to see if he was messaging her and/or how often he speaks with her. He said not very often and as I already feel uncomfortable with it I wanted to try to make myself more comfortable by verify that yes he was only talking to her once a month or twice. This is the reason why I looked. I can't tell him to not talk to her but I can try and put myself at ease.
Anyhow, Im just hurt. Plain and simple I'm feeling too much emotions and pain. Do I end this or do I move on. In my mind, if a man really loved me he would not have written this. Or do I need to get over the fairy tale expectation. Whatever it is I really don't know what I'm looking for. Maybe I was hoping guys on here would say this is no big deal that they have boosted their ex and it didn't mean anything. Or maybe they tell me there must be a reason why he wrote it as these messages were written last week and there was no other 'love' message before. Regardless, it's all about me and what I can and can't handle. Perhaps I need a man who is like me and when the relationship is finished you move on.
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