Headed for divorce I think...please help?

Hmmm... he may be floored, but sounds like he needs to be floored. Sounds like something needs to happen, and that you're in a place to make it happen. The sex chat thing is encouraging, but you have a lot to talk about, it looks like.

I understand what you're saying about getting married for the wrong reasons, but at the same time, even if you choose someone for the wrong reasons they might actually be the right person for you -- or certainly right enough. My husband relayed a quote to me that made a big impression on me and I have been re-quoting all over the place: basically every long-term relationship has irreconcilable differences -- the trick is to have good enough communication skills to work through the differences.

Counseling seems just the ticket. In the context of increased sex lately, it could be something he would really go for -- experimentation, fun, seeing what DOES turn you on.

Good luck.

Aloha, welcome to this forum! I am trying to imagine what I would do if I were in your shoes, and I would probably almost certainly get into counselling by myself before saying anything about splitting up or marriage counselling to my dh. I've been through 2 divorces now, and they are hard on the kids, unfair to them, imnsho, unless there is abuse or danger in staying together as a family. There is a book I would recommend to you, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, by Mira Kirshenbaum. It helped me clarify my position at different points during my last marriage.

I'm wondering what you thought you were doing marrying a man that you weren't attracted to, though. I can't imagine going and having sex without attraction, then even going further and marrying that person in this day and age... Have you ever had mind blowing sex? Because without that experience, I can imagine that fantasies about that experience would be distracting... But, once you've had mind blowing sex, I do believe that you can recreate that sensation even during mediocre sex... And I'm also wondering what would "get" that spark... if one has never been on fire... I'm really going to have to think on this one for a bit and get back to you on it. I guess I should ask if you've tried the basics, technical variations, sexplay- erotic locations/costumes? You are both able and willing to experiment? No personal hangups or inhibitions that affect your mutual performance? Do you still love each other?

There are techniques that enhance a spark, but I'm not sure if they would work without any spark.

Ttyl, PP

Sozobe is right. If the concept of councelling will floor him, then you probably need to floor him. It sounds like he deserves open communication, even if it doesn't solve anything for you.

If you aren't happy with him, I doubt you'd be happy with anyone longterm. Do you feel tied down? Were you used to a lot of freedom before? All I'm saying is it's POSSIBLE that you just aren't comfortable in marriage, and that it has nothing to do with him being the wrong guy, or someone else being the right guy. All things that can be helped with councelling.

Also, even though it may be difficult to discuss councelling, it would be far more harmful and painful for everyone to allow it to degenerate or fall apart.

edit

Saw your edit... not so happy about it. I don't think any earth-shattering decisions should be made under those circumstances. If there were no kids in the picture, maybe. If there were grown kids in the picture, possibly. With two young kids in the picture -- 5 and 7! -- well... try hard. Do the best you can. I think that includes counselling at the very least, and counselling that you really put your heart and soul into.

You are comparing apples and oranges, at the least, to compare someone you met on the internet while lonely and bored to the husband you married in the circumstances you describe. It removes the possibility of comparing who the people really are -- if the situation were reversed, the man who is now your husband would be more exciting. It's situational.

You need to resolve the situation, and go from there. The stakes are too high.

Good grief...I think I'm talking in circles. LOL!

SCoates....I've never had freedom...and yes I feel tied down. I didn't want freedom at the time though. I was scared and lonely. I went from my childhood home to college, from guy to guy my freshman year, met my husband my sophomore year and we were married my junior year.

And yes, you're right...he deserves open communication. I'm just trying to figure out if it would be better if the counselor knew me beforehand or not?

You all have legit questions and advice for me. I really am appreciating this so much. Thank you for letting me come in here and air things out.

You're welcome here, jahw. (Stay-at-home mom here, couldn't quite bring myself to type your whole username. :-))

I think the counselor thing depends a bit on your motivations. If you're looking for a way to get out with the least damage to your conscience, seeing a counselor first, yourself, and using that counselor for the couples counseling may gain you some sympathy from the counselor. If you are looking for a way to heal and renew your marriage, I think both of you arriving for the first time, on even footing, is a little more likely to be effective.

Soz, you are absolutely right and you sounded just like my girlfriend. "Not so happy". I know the other man has really messed things up and I am going to cut all ties with him during the counseling process. While I highly doubt that he and I would ever end up together, I still can't help but think there might be someone else out there. I don't want to NOT put 100% into this. I just believe after spending days upon days analyzing my past and our marriage, that finally the lightbulb has gone on. Either the counselling is going to work or it's not, but I can guarantee you it will be with all my heart that I truly do try to save this marriage is there is one to be saved.

Interesting point. Thank you. Now I really must go make dinner. lol!

Glad you'll be putting your all into counseling, jahw. Best of luck to you.

Oh yeah, counseling is the way to go. Start alone if you wish, but start.

As for the chat room. I did chat rooms for years and have watched people do all sorts of things to their relationships. The bottom line is, chatting is an idealized situation - the people you chat with want to be there, they want to talk and they want to be receptive. If they didn't, they would turn their computers off. So already your husband ends up with a strike against him - you see him when he doesn't feel like talking or is sick or tired or snappish. But that, of course, is how real people are. Essentially chat room "loves" tend to perpetuate perfection fantasies - everything looks ideal because everything is ideal.

Get thee to counseling, and try out different counselors if you feel the first one isn't fulfilling your needs. A marriage to a good person is worth trying to save, particularly since there are young children involved. You owe it to yourself, to your kids, and to your husband, who I presume is at least a friend, to at least give it the old college try.

Jespah to the rescue. You are smart and articulate. Remember the WWJD? bracelets? A2K could sell them. What Would Jespah Do?

Soz, you're another good one...

Thanks, PamO. "WWSD" just doesn't have the same ring to it, somehow... ;-)

Oh my

Now how come I wanna start calling you Pamarama (which I suspect you may have heard before)?

Anyway, thank you, we try - it's a good, caring group we've got here. This group really wants to help others. Great to see.

I am not trying to be mean when I say this, but this is how I feel.

I think you are being selfish. I think you were selfish for marrying some one who "would be a good provider" and not someone you actually cared about and I think you are being selfish now trying to get out of it now that you realize you were wrong.

That being said, from a married mans point of view, I think you should "floor" him. I would be devastated if my wife came and dropped that bomb on me... but I would rather have her tell me than live my whole life being ignorant thinking everything is okay. You at least owe him the opportunity to be a part of this. If the relationship is salvagable (but I think you are looking for justification to end it) then it is better to involve him with counseling to see if it is possible to save it. If you can't save the relationship at least he knows how you feel and you can both work towards a conclusion...whatever it may be.

Sorry if that was harsh and I do sincerely wish you both (and your children) the best of luck.

One of the questions to explore in counseling is that you may be blaming your husband because you are bored with yourself.

Your husband is not responsible for offering you are reason for being. You are.

I get the feeling i'm to late for you to see this, and I don't know why this time.. I feel like I have to say something..

If you think that now, because you realized you made some seemingly bad decisions in the past - means that you aren't going to possibly make more bad decisions. I want to tell you you are wrong, and just falling into the same pattern of behavior you always have. Break the cycle.

You woke up finding yourself in a pretty loving family. You have 2 beautiful children at very impressionable ages. They are going to be impressionable for a long time. 18 years old is not even the finish line!
I am 26 and still impressionable.

When you make a post on a board like this I like to think people are similar to me in that they forget to mention A LOT.

You forgot to mention how much these children enter into the equation(and that you know this). That they are going to be a part of this decision. Just to clarify, I have no idea what the right thing to do is. I do think you should talk to your husband and don't hold back. Your situation is tough and I sympathize. Just realize that absorbing yourself in sexual desire at this point in your life- is selfish 100% whether right or wrong. If somehow you think it will not effect your children in the future, you are fooling yourself.
By the way, I want to make sure that you know this was not meant to come off as condemning. My intention was just to make you think about what you are doing. You sound like a very good person, and a great mom because you DO have to question your happiness, it is important to be a little selfish. Just think about the kids!

If my wife wanted to go to counselling, I would wonder if it was my fault (luckily my wife happens to be EXTREMELY accepting of my many faults). So if she invited me along after she started I would be both relieved and more interested in attending. Of course, I have a pretty weird personality. I'm not suggesting you manipulate him that way, but maybe if you mention that you want to go to counselling first, and then see if he offers to come, and if he doesn't invite him after he's accepted that you want to go. That way he doesn't have to grapple with too much at once. Some people are really scared at the concept of counselling.