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Wed 20 Apr, 2016 03:03 pm
So, I've just recently gotten with a man (he happened to be my exes brother) and from day one I have been seeing signs that maybe this isn't such a great idea. First let me tell you a bit about him, he's a 29 year old single father who is still in the midst of a divorce (I suppose I don't really know all the details) and just recently he's decided to go to school to become a personal fitness trainer. Honestly, I am okay with all of this. I don't mind watching after his kid, I don't mind that he has an ex wife, and I'm pretty excited about his career choice because I'm currently attending school to become a nutritionist. On top of all of that, he has admitted to being a dominant and I have talked with him about being a submissive. So far so good right? I mean on every level we click and we click well. When I first met him he was very affectionate, we had long conversations, when we hung out he was fully attentive, he was extremely passionate, and he was genuine. The only problem I have is that after I had moved in with him, his 'wife' came to visit their son. After that he's been completely detatched from me. He isn't affectionate at all, unless he wants a blow job (I mean he even went so far as to half mention that I had a vibrator so I'll be alright) . He doesn't kiss me or hug me and hell, I even have to bother him to cuddle. He doesn't really spend time with me and whenever I offer up something for us to do, he always has an excuse for it OR he promises to do it but then forgets about it. He sleeps whenever he can, even though he only works part time. He's mad anytime I wake him up. He makes promises and plans and schedules, but he never follows through with them. He spends his money selfishly, to the point that I'm literally the only one with money throughout the week. He doesn't ever discuss anything serious with me (i.e. plans for our own apartment, whether or not he wants to be with me, saving, etc..). He always seems to be lying or half truthful in a way and our conversations have been reduced to the point that he doesn't even seem check his messages when I'm away. Lastly, he seems to only take care of his kid in a half-assed way. I could understand it at first, but it's been a few months since she's come to visit, not to mention we're both currently living with his emotionally abusive aunt (who happened to raise him). I don't know what to do at this point. I want to be with him because, again, we click on so many levels, but I'm not sure if he even likes me anymore. I've talked with him about it and he's said that he's hurting, he's going through a rough time, and that he's finding it difficult to become intimate. Honestly, my fear is that this isn't going to change. I watch him throughout the day and he doesn't get anything done that he's planned out for himself and he barely eats, and sleeps all the damn time. At the end of the day I want someone I can spend my life with, not tolerate their absence all the time, and I don't want to end up with a dominant that doesn't do anything. I want someone to explore with, someone to build a life with, someone to go out hiking with, make music with, and adventure and travel with; and, again, he's already mentioned that he's into all of these things and that he wants to do them, but I don't know if he's being honest about it anymore. I know he's going through a rough time, but like I said I don't know if he's going to get better.
Should I stick it out with him?
What can I do to help him achieve his goals?
Is there anyway that I can make him feel better, or help him heal?
Do you think that maybe he's just going to stay this way?
@FrauLynn,
Try posting again, with paragraphs.
Most of us don't want to read walls of text.
I don't mean to be mean, but learn to make paragraphs, preferably with space between the paragraphs.
@FrauLynn,
Sounds like he does absolutely nothing for you. Why would you want that for yourself? Sorry, but right now you're a free babysitter who gives blowjobs.
@ossobuco,
It's no issue, I would actually usually post with paragraphs (I am notorious for skimming over walls of text when reading) but today I'm lacking quite a bit of sleep and in a piss-poor mood. I tried to edit, but I can't anymore so the revised question will have to wait.
I appreciate your advice regardless.
@jespah,
That's what it feels like, but I'm just not sure whether it's circumstantial or if it's just the way he is. I already told him that I was fine with just being **** buddies when we first got together, so maybe he just misunderstood or he doesn't get how this is affecting me.
@FrauLynn,
Thank you for the courteous reply as I was bratty to you.
Back after I read it.
@jespah,
Where can I find one of those?
@FrauLynn,
After saying I will read this, I have to say I don't understand.
You seem to be dealing with a mess of a person, but you seem to be too, with what are now called issues.
Consider counselling at least for yourself.
Not all counsellors are great. I was counselled many years ago by a person I take as a robot. Still, there are good ones.
'I want to be with him because, again, we click on so many levels'
No - you don't.
Your wall of text is one thing after another of how dysfunctional this guy is. He either changed or was this way all the time, but you allowed your sexual preferences/ compatibility to justify everything.
Now that doesn't even work for you.
You know what to do. Now - get on with it.
@FrauLynn,
FrauLynn wrote: I mean on every level we click and we click well.
After that he's been completely detached from me.
He isn't affectionate at all, unless he wants a blow job
He doesn't kiss me or hug me and hell, I even have to bother him to cuddle.
He doesn't really spend time with me and whenever I offer up something for us to do, he always has an excuse for it OR he promises to do it but then forgets about it.
He's mad anytime I wake him up.
He spends his money selfishly, to the point that I'm literally the only one with money throughout the week.
He doesn't ever discuss anything serious with me (i.e. plans for our own apartment, whether or not he wants to be with me, saving, etc..).
He always seems to be lying or half truthful in a way and our conversations have been reduced to the point that he doesn't even seem check his messages when I'm away
I'm not sure if he even likes me anymore.
it sounds like you annoy him when there's not a blowjob involved
maybe you clicked initially but that's over (and really, hooking up with your ex's brother - rarely a good idea)
__
I'd say it's time to move out and get on with your life.
He's still married, not particularly into you except as a convenience. This may not be a good time in his life to be an active, supportive, loving partner.
You might try dating him after his divorce is finalized and he's further along with his new career plan - if you haven't already met someone more appropriate.
@FrauLynn,
FrauLynn wrote: from day one I have been seeing signs that maybe this isn't such a great idea.
you should have paid attention to the early signs
@FrauLynn,
Gheez, you're with a true jerk and you question your own motives?
Get the hell out of this relationship and get yourself some counseling so you
don't play a doormat to other people!
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