Do you censor what you say around children?

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I think it depends on the kid and how mature they are. you would not want to talk about terrorist attacks with a child who has nighmares or gets scared easy. I have an 8 yr old who asked about the hurricane and I told him what it was and how it destorys not only buildings but it kills people. he understood and asked alot of questions. I think it just depends on the child.

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Oooh.

A big part of it is not just the subject but HOW you talk about it, too. I've talked about some big issues in very simplistic ways, and that has satisfied the kid's curiousity (3.75-y-o). We seem to circle back to some subjects as she realizes there are gaps -- what about _____? Then we talk about it in more detail. But I just keep things simple and follow her curiousity level... I just answer questions, and stop when the questions stop. That's been a good guide so far.

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I do censor what I say around my children. I think it has become more naturally rather than planning. Seeing my children are very young (5 and under 2), I do not speak about adult subjects or violence, etc. in front of them. I also am very careful on the words I choose; not just swear words, but others that I would not want my children saying. Stupid is a big one or other types of negative words.

I cannot think of a subject that I would not answer. I would answer differently depending on their age. I answer in a way they can understand and limit the information on what is appropriate and what they are able to absorb. I think it is wrong to just way "when you are older", usually you can answer in some way that is appropriate for their age.

I have been fortunate in not having to discuss major disasters or terrorists yet with my children as they do not see the information on television and I feel they are too young for such things yet. However, as my daughter is starting kindergarten this will change this year. I think that is about the age (school age) when you need to start discussing these items and also depending on how close they hit home. For example, Hurricane Charley did not affect anything in her world, or her family's world, so unless she was exposed to this information, there is no need to talk with her about it. If she heard about it or saw some of this on TV, then it would be different, I would explain it. I would also explain how we would prepare so she would be safe.

I really dread having to speak about her about things caused by humans. But I have explained to her about strangers and how most people are very nice, but some are not. That is why she is not to speak to anyone she does not know, go near them, etc. because there is no way to know if they are nice or mean.

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Absolutely! I keep cussing to a bare minimum, maybe damn, and try to avoid talking about scary things in the world when little children are around.

IMO, it's just instinct. You know what your kid can and cannot handle. The older the child, the more reality you expose them to.

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Very much so!

I think most all subjects are OK--BUT, you only want to give them as much information as is appropriate for their emotional age.

Like sex.

They're old enough for answers, when they ask--but a five year old needs a short, easy answer.

Here's what I'm talking about.

Suppose the question is "Where do babies come from?"

Age 5: Their mommy's uterus. (Point to general location if you have one.)

8: The parents create the baby, and it grows in the mother's uterus.

10: The father's sperm joins with the mother's egg, and it grows...

I'd answer any follow up questions they had--but usually, the simple answer is all they want.

I guess it was around 12 or so that I began talking to my children about when and why to have sex, how to avoid sexually transmitted diseases, and our family's moral issues about sexual responsibility and related stuff. The older they got, the more in depth the conversation was.

Like eoe said-- You know how much info is right for your child at any given time.

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Answering my own questions...

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How do you determine what to censor? Is it something you do naturally or do you plan age wise when to expose them to what?

I realize I censor much of what is said around my children. I'm something of a news junkie, but have learned to use the internet to get the news first and quietly so it won't affect my children. I also censor "more colorful" phrases, and anything I construe as disrespectful until a later time when I feel children become old enough to question the parameters of respect and form their own opinions about things (which happens sometime in their teen years?) But then, even after they are old enough to question the dominant forces, decide if they respect them/their values or not (including myself as their matriarch) I ask that they refrain from inflecting their more controversial opinions on the younger fry in the household. I don't believe 5 year olds need to wrap their minds around whether it's ok for one man to marry another man or whether sometimes it may be ok to break the laws of the land...

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Are there any subjects that you wouldn't answer? Would/do you give them a "when you are older" answer? Or do you always give an answer?

No, usually, if they are old enough to ask a question, they are old enough to get an answer, although often it is a modified answer. So far, no young child has asked such a precocious question it couldn't be answered simply. I define words when they are asked. I have had little people ask why an older person uses the phrase "f#@$in'," which my little ones knew was bad. I asked the older person to try to come up with another adjective, and he did: "nasty."

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Do you deal with discussing/explaining natural disasters (Hurricane Charley and the destruction and death toll for example) the same way you would deal with discussing/explaining atrocities caused by humans(wars, terrorist attacks)?

We avoid watching the news, so natural disasters are kept to a minimum. War is talked about more often, since my oldest is a gunner in the army stationed in Afghanistan. It's generally so far removed from the little people's daily lives that they don't ask much about it. We had more questions asked when our bunny died last year than from any large-scale natural disaster, due to me choosing to shelter them.

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Is there a magic age where the discussing of disturbing subjects is OK?

When they bring it up along with a half formed opinion. That seems to happen at around puberty in my household...

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Sofia wrote:

Very much so!

I think most all subjects are OK--BUT, you only want to give them as much information as is appropriate for their emotional age.

Like sex.

They're old enough for answers, when they ask--but a five year old needs a short, easy answer.

Ooh, that reminds me, what about when other people's children ask you about a personal topic, like sex. Do you answer it? We had it come up that a friend wasn't married and p/g and another friend's child asked me how that could happen!?!? I said that sometimes it does without elaborating, but my children elaborated and explained that you didn't have to be married, just had to have the right working body parts. Laughing

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Looking back, most of the censorship I enforced with my sons and stepsons came down to whether or not the topic was any of their business and whether or not the topic was in good taste.

Granted, I was raising kids in the '60's and '70's when life was simpler, with much less interference from the outside world. Still, I don't believe in a Cleaner, Purer Censored World For Little Ones. I also don't believe in rubbing babies noses in violence and vulgarity.

When the Sex in the Oval Office scandal broke, a reaction I found totally incomprehensible was, "I hate him. My son/daughter who was only 5 or 8 or 11 asked me what oral sex was. He corrupted my baby!"

Secure children will accept the explanation that bombings, hurricanes, floods, mass murderers and the like usually happen to other people. In the cases where Hurricane Charlie has become a personal boogie for children well out of the track of the storm I suspect that Charlie is personifying other directly frightening aspects of their lives.

As for television: Until my kids were 11 and 12 I kept very close track of what they were watching and commented loudly and clearly what my opinion was of the morals, ethics and general levels of civilization that were displayed.

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princesspupule wrote:

I don't believe 5 year olds need to wrap their minds around whether it's ok for one man to marry another man

That's one that we've gone over -- a New York Times photo started it, I think. Anyway, she has no problem with the concept.

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The husband of a good friend of mine came out of the closet when their daughter was 3.5. Both parents were loving and very open with Little Elizabeth about what was happening.

She quickly became great friends with Daddy's boyfriend, and thinks nothing of get together's involving Mommy and Daddy, Mommy's new husband, Daddy's partner, all of the other kids and grandparents involved. I've got to give credit to my friend and her ex-hubby for handling things so well with their daughter once things started changing in their own lives. They didn't hide anything from her.

Now, if Mommy's new husband was less of a goof, we'd all be happier, but that's another issue.

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If a kid is old enough to ask questions on a subject, the kid deserves and age appropriate answer. Prudery can stifle curiosity.

On the one hand we glorify sex--and on the other hand we want to "protect" our children from any sex that doesn't come under the Lovey-Dovey banner.

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princesspupule wrote:

Sofia wrote:
Very much so!

I think most all subjects are OK--BUT, you only want to give them as much information as is appropriate for their emotional age.

Like sex.

They're old enough for answers, when they ask--but a five year old needs a short, easy answer.

Ooh, that reminds me, what about when other people's children ask you about a personal topic, like sex. Do you answer it? We had it come up that a friend wasn't married and p/g and another friend's child asked me how that could happen!?!? I said that sometimes it does without elaborating, but my children elaborated and explained that you didn't have to be married, just had to have the right working body parts.

My answer to another person's kid would be: "I bet your mom would love to talk to you about that. Want some ice cream?" :wink: Because I would be pissed if someone else screwed up my child's thoughts on this subject. So, I wouldn't want to tell them something their parents disagreed with.

My little trick is saying it takes a mommy and a daddy--to young children. Well, it always does. Their relationship is not discussed, though. Daddy could be a sperm donor, or a one night stand....but, he is the daddy.

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I was raised in a sort of odd small family, my mother and father and me. My father worked in the film industry and was the first and rather short lived (job wise) head of tv in a major advertising firm in the very early fifties, when I was about nine. Even before that he did commercials in New York. So I grew up watching tv news; the minute we had a tv I was watching John Cameron Swayze, Walter Cronkite, et al. At eleven and twelve I was staying up until one sometimes, even weeknights, to watch the whole nightly Tom Duggan show in Chicago.

My mother and father didn't swear, and neither did the kids I played with in my neighborhood, almost all girls, and when I got to my later teens I was rather amazed that there were certain words that had a lot of power and I didn't know what they meant. Well, one word mainly. I was rather protected from what went on in sexual situations until amazingly late, at the same time I curled up on the couch with Post and Collier's and Life magazines. I eventually learned some of what I know now from books like Maureen Daly's Seventeenth Summer and the rest of her series, and then Battle Cry and Exodus and Young Lions, giving me as I entered college a sense of the large unknown.

You may all be relieved to know that the sexual revolution came along shortly after that and I caught up.

Not all so long after that, when we were in our twenties, my cousin told me of her three year old son saying loudly in a bank line, f... you! I was in their house a lot and that phrase wasn't used much, perhaps only in story telling... and yet C. had picked it up as neat to say.

I differ on the matter of children will ask if they need to know.. I didn't.
I think that dialogs, conversations about life appropriate to age level, should be part of life with a parent and child, so that asking will be perfectly natural.

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Good God. 'Seventeenth Summer'. I remember that series of books. I read them all in junior high school and positively LOVED them.

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Oh, what would .... Scott say?

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I remember a character named Tobey. And a set of twins. These are the books I stayed up reading under the covers with a flashlight long after bedtime. Can't remember any titles. We're talking almost forty years ago. Yikes!

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I think the fellow who asked her to the prom was Scott. But I forget who she was...