Left Abusive Baby Daddy and moving in with my Sister and her abusive 4 year old

Forums: Relationships, Family, Parenting, Advice, 4 Year Old
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I am forced to move in with my sister who's 4 year old is quite spoiled and somewhat verbally abusive towards my 2 year old. He pushed my son down and then ran to his mother screaming, that my son was being mean to him. We all saw it and my son was all smiles just playing and trying to play with his cousin was all. Tonight he did it again, in another fashion. My son's face was so sad when he was being told he was being mean when he obviously wasn't. He answers the phone, "WHAT!" when his Mom calls and tells her, "Don't talk to me right now and when she says, okay he yells "YOUR TALKING TO ME!"." And And I know I am sensitive but I wanted to remove him from a situation where he was witnessing verbal abuse because I would love to raise a gentleman and now I am not sure what after the year of living with them will do to my child.

Will he become a defiant brat too? I just want him to have good role models for crying out loud!!!! Anyhow, I am not very fond of daycare all day for him so that is why I am in a pickle. I could get a F/T job and shove him in daycare 11 hours a day and watch as others raise him. Or, I could gut out the year with my sister and bratty cousin and try to save enough for a year working P/T and applying for grants and then live poorly to go to nursing school to make a better life for my son and I.

She lives in a beautiful home but I now feel like I am going to have to defend my son daily and don't feel I can leave them alone to play at all. Go forbid I didn't see my son get hurt who cannot even speak and ask his cousin for what happened. He would lie.

Verbal abuse sucks, I am so mad at his father whom we need but cannot count on because he is too fond of calling me names, throwing and breaking stuff and cannot control his emotions or temper. I just want to GET AWAY from this crap.

On the bright side I guess I can teach my son what to do but I also don't want to step on my sister's toes. She is being so amazingly gracious for opening up her home to us!!

Any advice and hugs welcomed please.
Thanks!
Kelly

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[+5] - jespah - 04/02/2016Well, first kudos on you for being brave and kicking the baby Daddy to the curb. And you're right; this is a bad situation for your son to be in. Truth is, though, he is going to be in day care...

@kickedhimout,

Well, first kudos on you for being brave and kicking the baby Daddy to the curb. And you're right; this is a bad situation for your son to be in.

Truth is, though, he is going to be in day care for 10 or 11 hours a day when you move to another place, too. You probably won't be able to work part-time and sustain an apartment, or you'll have part-time work plus school and it will be the equivalent of full-time (you will have to study, after all). A grant is probably not going to go too terribly far for your living expenses.

So because full-time day care is probably in your son's future anyway, why not instead work to try to get him into the best possible place now?

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@kickedhimout,

Quote:

I could get a F/T job and shove him in daycare 11 hours a day and watch as others raise him. Or, I could gut out the year with my sister and bratty cousin and try to save enough for a year working P/T and applying for grants and then live poorly to go to nursing school to make a better life for my son and I.

I agree with jespah glad that you got away from an abusive man - unfortunately you just outlined your choices above. Which is the lesser of two evils. Now to be honest - a good quality day care is not really all that bad.

I was fortunate when my children were young as my parents took care of them while I worked part-time. As my oldest was just with my parents while my husband and I worked, when she became a toddler I thought it would be good for her to go to a daycare sort of situation a couple of days a week so she could be around other kids sometimes. I did search and research to get as much information on things you should look for, etc. It took me time but I found one that I liked it was a good balance for her.

As jespah stated above - you are eventually going to have to place your child in some sort of care in order to work and afford an apartment. Why not start your search now, so you can get a good idea of what there is to offer near you.

They are not necessarily going to raise him - you have say even in daycares - make sure you find a daycare that does support values you would like.

Have you met with a lawyer or been able to? You should see if you can have child support from the father - even if he is abusive. Also, you might want to meet with a lawyer to help keep you and your child safe from this abuser. I would work on the safety part first and then ask advice from the lawyer about potential child support. Most states if you have financial need, you could get a lawyer free if you qualify.

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@kickedhimout,

Why isn't your sister's son in daycare? at 4 he should be in daycare or school.

__

In any case, good on you on trying to better your situation.

Daycare is often the best solution - there are some excellent care providers out there.

Find daycare, find work, and make plans to establish your own home.

There will be better days ahead.

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@ehBeth,

Not necessarily - first grade for school starts at age 6 typically and at 4 he may or may not qualify for kindergarten - children are not required to attend kindergarten or preschool. And no child is obligated to go to daycare - at least within the US.

Now granted it is usually is better for a child to go to preschool or kindergarten and most do - it is not required.

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These are very formative years for your son. He needs to be with calm, loving people - including the children he plays with.

I'm not sure where you get the 11 hour day care schedule, but that's better than being terrorized by a 4 year old and in an environment where he is not protected by adults. Silence is abuse, too, you know.

Have you really investigated all the help you can? Even going to a women's shelter is better than living like this.

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@Linkat,

I mean that he should be in daycare to socialize him. Not that he's legally required to be in daycare.

I find kids much better to deal with once they've had some time being socialized in a proper daycare.

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@kickedhimout,

kickedhimout wrote:

don't feel I can leave them alone to play at all

why in the world would you leave a 2 and 4 year old alone together to play?

that wouldn't be acceptable in the worst daycare

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Left Abusive Baby Daddy and moving in with my Sister and her abusive 4 year old

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