Is my husband gay and hiding it

Reply Fri 25 Mar, 2016 08:26 pm
Secretive, double life and countless lies.

Small background to get a picture of things. My husband and I are both 25. Both military, he's combat arm and I'm in logistics. Been married nearly four years. Have always been open and honest to each other, never had an argument bigger than who takes out the trash this time sort of thing. We got orders to an overseas unit in Jan 2014.

In feb, his unit went to s. Korea for a month of training. They returned and something about him was off. The first issue was on two occasions he'd gotten text messages like "hey Smile" and "hey baby :*" he said he had no idea who it was from and when I reversed looked up the number it went to an app where you can generate numbers at random. He raised his voice at me for the first time, went out with the very guys he'd spoken negatively about and started distancing himself from me. Initially I thought it was because he just got back, work was demanding or even he just wasn't happy with life in general. We were the type where we trusted each other enough to not have to be under each other all the time, didn't have to ask to go out and never questioned whether the other was being honest. Around aug, '14 he started telling me nasty stories of guys in his unit. About how they were unfaithful to their wives, stories of how a guys wife was caught cheating, even a story of how a guy in his unit fingered another woman while married. The people he told me these stories. About were the same people he wanted me to go to parties with or accompany him to hang with. Naturally, I declined as I didn't want to be around a person knowing these things about them. Take note that never once did my husband offer the idea of introducing these Guy's wives to me or is becoming friends. Instead he would say things like "they don't work and all they do is gossip and I know you don't like that stuff" in honesty that was true. I would rather discuss theories and metaphysics over some girl and the shoes she had the audacity to wear..anyway, I asked my husband if he would stop hanging with these types of people outside of work. I believe that birds of a feather flock together and continuing friendship with them enables such behavior. He agreed and even made comments about how it's pretty messed up, he would never do that and all the reasons why. Fast forward a few months and he now has many new friends that I had no idea of. He says horrible things about people then goes out with them and doesn't invite me anywhere. I never felt bad or angry as this was normal. We bought motorcycles in 2015 and started making mutual friends through that. I started realizing how we would ride with someone, that person would voice how it's awesome that his wife rides and is really chill about things. That its great we share such a great interest. I was happy to finally start making friends and be able to bond with husband. But anytime that would happen, husband would start talking trash about them behind their backs. Saying they ride with horrible technique, they were too fat too be riding. I would reply with 'maybe let them know how they could improve' or 'ask them is they would start hitting the gym with you if their weight is such an issue' I don't like conflict and I won't join him in speaking negatively about friends then smile in their faces. Never bashing or mean about it just offering advice as I thought that was the reason for him bringing it up at all.

Months go by and I notice less of these mutual friends hang with me anymore. Some basically fell of the face of the earth and I start to question if I'd done anything to offend anyone or what? Spouse however still friends with them, still talking crap too. One day, he's going on about how a guy in his unit was having regular affairs with different women and was planning a divorce. Never heard anything about the wife or what made the guy unhappy in marriage. That was the last straw and I told my spouse I would rather not hear about this all the time. Say something nice about someone for once. He shut down and became more distant. In May, we both went into training in another state for a month where we didn't have contact during that time. In July one of his buddies(that I'd never met) was having a 4th of July bbq at his house. I realized at that moment that, I really had no friends anymore. That I had been working super long hours and hadn't really gone out in a while. This party was the first in a long time that he'd invited me anywhere and I agreed to go. It took him by surprise and the rest of the evening he seemed really annoyed with me as if he expected me to say no. We get there and I introduce myself to everyone. The majority (people in his unit) were less than happy of my appearance. I didn't even know most of them and they seemed oddly annoyed. The wives wouldn't talk to me and the few guys I did know didn't act like they knew me. I thought my breath was bad or maybe my deodorant wasn't working. I was the last one finishing my food in the house. Everybody went to the garage for beer pong and some went to the backyard to smoke. When they came in they were laughing and joking that the dogs back there were humping each other non stop. One of them made the comment "yup just like SGT L, humps everything he sees." They were talking about my husband. The worst part, they noticed I was sitting in the living room, froze with awkward silence then filed into the garage.

I knew that asking them or him what it meant would be bad business so I pretended to not hear it and saved it for conversation in private not at someone else's home. When I confronted him he seemed anxious but trying very hard to be cool about it. When I tried to leave it alone he got more nervous asking me who said it and did I want to call the and ask what they meant. He knew I didn't know who they were and he knew I wouldn't call them. I left that alone and my boss started to notice my motivation going away and started to invite me out with her and her friends. We got close and started hanging out more. I introduced my husband to her, invited him out every time I went with her or new friends and he told me he didn't like them. I went out with them a few more times and that stopped the night I was getting ready for a girls night out and he seemed super depressed. I was scared for him so I called one guy from his company to try and talk to him. He ended up spending the night at that guys house(which I later found out they stayed out and partied all night) while I went to my bosses. She invited her neighbor we sat in the backyard drank wine and talked about things to get my mind off of what happened that night. Everything seemed normal once I stopped hanging out altogether. It turned into a routine where we either stayed home together getting drunk, riding together on our off time or him "wanting to ride by myself and clear my head", him saying he was going to the store for some random thing like mustard and returning four hours later with nothing, no explanation or such a story that made no sense of why he never got mustard. One time he said he was going to get his registration renewed on his car on a Saturday. We all know Dmv is closed Saturday. An hour later texted me saying "four hour wait...." That was it. 6 hours later returned saying he was next in line and they stopped taking customers and that's why he couldn't get it done. I didn't want to out right accuse him of lying so I asked if he knew the Dmv was closed. Of course he got defensive asking if I wanted to call them(at 8pm) for proof. The next day we went to a football game and tailgated about a mile away. He decided that morning at 9am that he would got to the store get beer and brats and meet with his friends, we left the house around 10 and traffic was where it took 2.5 hours to get 16miles. Parking was full and he was pissed. We drank and ate half boiled brats. I ended up telling him that we got there and and to at least try to have a good rest of the time. He insisted on sulking and ended up saying he hated me and couldn't stand to be around me. I told him what he'd said was indeed the truth and thanks for letting me know. Following that day, I looked in his phone, emails and Facebook to see if something was going on. Clean as a whistle. He became more distant, got more annoyed with everyday. I changed the way I dressed for him, became more playful and un expecting during sex (when we ever had it) and complimented him a lot more. Nothing seemed to work so I asked what the issue was and he said I needed to start helping pay rent. Now let's break it down. He makes nearly 2k more than me a month, rent is roughly 1,500, I pay every bill that comes with the house, food, my insurance and personal bills. We share my car to which I fill the tank. I don't buy anything for myself and I'm still broke all the time. I showed him where all my money goes and he started complaining that I never cook anything. I reminded him that I get off work most days anywhere from 9pm- past midnight while he's off 4pm-5:30 everyday. We argue and he comes to the conclusion that this marriage is failing because of me. One guy we both used to be friends with posted on fb that he was going into surgery and I group texted him and hubs saying hoping he has a speedy recovery and to let us know if we could do anything. He never replied. Hubs mentioned one day that he got a message about playing xbox with him. Curious, I called the guy and asked if everything was ok. He said yes and I mentioned the text to which he said he's been dealing with a lot and just maybe over looked it. I asked if hubs was ok at work and he started telling me how my husband normally talks about his issues to me calling me the b word, I'm so mean to him, he wished I'd die in a pit fire etc. I confront hubs and ask who else he says this stuff to. He named off some people and I asked why the first time I had to hear about these issues was from another guy. He had no answer. I asked what else he says and he said just basically how I'm nasty and don't clean. I was shocked as I'm the only one that does clean. I asked if there was someone else he said no. I asked how we gotten to this he said when I had surgery, we didn't have sex for a few weeks and he started watching porn, beating off into his hand and....that's it. He didn't finish. I can put two and two together. I also know there is no point in asking a lier to be honest. I started looking into his search history on his iPad and found that he research 'the emotionally abusive girlfriend' I read the article and it was spitting image of what he had been doing to me. I looked a little deeper and found that he was looking at eyeliner.

So a few days later I started checking for signs. He kept a lot from me, he got messages allllll the time at all hours. Said it was group messaging from work. Never let it out of his sight either. One day while he showered I unlocked the door and got his phone. Connected his phone to my find friends app without him knowing. For three weeks I used that to monitor the places he went the most. During work hours his location would randomly show him being at someone's house. Not knowing if it was correct I would text and ask how work was and he would be very subtle replying with "good" or "busy" or he would say they were doing some type of training at company and he had to put his phone away. That led me to actually driving to these places and not seeing him there or any trace of him except some type of combat arms specific flag or sticker on a car that was the same as what he does at work. I start questioning if he might be homosexual or something which at this point I don't care. Just stop leading me on and wasting time. Of course I could just leave on suspicion and lack of trust but I don't want to. I want hard facts and evidence or I want to know for sure that there is nothing going on and that here is a way to get back to where we were. Fast forward to end of February 2016. Nothing changed with us except, I'd done even more research and we both pretend to get along for the sake of not having an argument everyday. One day I went to the promotion board and didn't pass. I was a little discouraged and went to be d kind of early. I was swamped at work and stressed. He didn't really want to hear any of it.

The next day he made a comment suggesting I was angry with him the night before because of him and that's why he didn't want to go to a party he was invited to in order to avoid me being mad at him again. I was irritated that he could be so self centered and yelled that I'd just been denied promotion and that the world did not revolve around him. Later that night before bed we went into the garage, he closed it down and I tried to open it back up. He grabbed my arm and I yanked it away. Then he restrained me from behind and I struggled an arm free. He punched me in the eye and claimed he didn't touch me. Then that it was an accident then that he just poked me in the eye. Never once apologizing. We got upstairs and my eye started to swell he got me ice and aspirin so the swelling would go down before work the next day. We argued about whether or not it was an accident and he demonstrated my hitting me again how hard the felt he'd hit me. I punched him in his ribs and yelled that he'd better never hit me again. He jumped and looked like a frightened puppy as if I were the one doing all of this. The next day I was questioned about my eye and I broke down and told my boss. She told me not to contact him. Later, I told her that I made a report and an investigation would soon start. Imediately she said "you better tell them you lied!!" When I asked why she asked if I wanted him to go to jail and lose his career. I was so confused as to why she would tell me to do that. The next day I found out that my boss is pregnant. I think she said 3 months but her divorce had only been finalized two weeks before. When things started to settle I ended up telling my husband about my boss and her telling me to lie for him. That I wanted to be moved to work somewhere else and the only way to do that would be to report her. His only reply was she's a shitty person I just feel bad for her daughter (she had a four year old)

Some things to note

Husband and I don't use protection during sex
Never gotten me pregnant
Around the same time boss got pregnant is the same time husband started getting tested for fertility
About a year ago, randomly my boss told me one of her friends had an std and that I'd better get tested also.(blew my mind)
Few months after that, my husband got tested and possibly treated for gonorrea.
About a month later my dr asked if I were willing to get tested (randomly)
Lately during sex, he grabs my hand and places it on the g spot and leads my fingers into his b hole(not normal for him. He never used to even let me look at his b hole)

I find it too hard to believe that the two of them truly hate each other but back each other up.

In your opinion, what do you think is the overall situation? I really am looking for answers suggestions experiences anything but "leave" I know this already but I would like actual input thanks
Count of Banterbury
Reply Sat 26 Mar, 2016 05:43 am
Well, first thing, Trumpet944, I'd like to mention you have really nice writing stile and it was quite a pleasure to read your story! Feel free add anything more, I would like to carry on reading.

Second, people here call me ESL (English as Second Language) so my apology in advance for occasional lack of comprehension, but the title is "Is my husband gay and hiding it" - you mean gay as homosexual? Ir is that some sort of English idiom for being silly...? Maybe I was reading it wrong (ESL) but I did not notice practically single male in your tale - your boss is female, right? That friend with STD she referred about, it is a male or female? You are 4 years together and now you are getting suspicious he is gay? I think I missed or misinterpreted something.

Third, I do not know you personally, I only know what you wrote here, but you do seem like very nice, fair, mature, emphatic, smart person, simply someone anyone would be most happy to has as a fried, let alone partner. Yet the description of your husband is... quite messed up. Yeah, what more to say?

From your side, I do not see single mistake you did. You are assertive and confident and not afraid to ask. You are tolerant, loving and compassionate. In short, from your story I can's see a point which you could do better or even not fail in. Everything sounds like... you just had a bad luck, girl...

People tend to change. Love is love, when you are young you are full of passion that changes your personality. For some time. Btw. that time is usually 2-4 years, when IN love. But after that, passion fades and true colors reveal. You know, in such situation, what I would do is inspect him family - thoroughly! It has been psychologically proven we copy patters of relationships from our family, therefore I would be most curious how is his father like and if there is any resemblance between him and your husband. That might answer quite a few question who he really is and what you can expect in future...

Another thing going through my mind: I am not going to tell you to "leave" as you say, but do NOT be alone in this!!! The pressure is high and abusive person can be truly destructive. Maybe the best thing you can do is seek for counselling. These people are trained and skilled in ways to help just the people like you so I would find somebody that fits me or even several of them - to get as much objective oversight as possible - and make my decision.

....and one last thing: you are just 25, right? You are getting to your best years, so there is virtually nothing to be afraid of... you know what I mean...

Maybe there will be more things that will come to my mind, but for now, this is the core.

Thank you for your time reading this and best luck! Sorry for ESL and... if there is something you hesitate to share with public, feel free to send me to private message Wink

best regards,

The Count

PS: "Lately during sex, he grabs my hand and places it on the g spot and leads my fingers into his b hole(not normal for him. He never used to even let me look at his b hole)"

Feel free to describe it more detailed... Uhm... analysis of your relationship situation Very Happy It might give very resultative clues!!!
0 Replies
bobsal u1553115
Reply Sat 26 Mar, 2016 07:05 am
If your read your post I think you'll find your answer: he's distanced himself from you and you're hanging in trying to figure out why. Why isn't the issue, the distance is the issue and his unwillingness close the distance is the problem.

Consult a family law attorney.
0 Replies
Reply Sat 26 Mar, 2016 07:39 am
I really think this is a bunch of hooey, but for giggles, I'll respond.

1. Since when is a request to be touched at a common erogenous zone an indication that someone is gay? Men and women commonly enjoy what you describe.

2. This man hit you. Stop being a "soldier" and thinking that you need to strike back or retreat to plan your response. Your relationship has now moved into another whole stage: physical. And you are lying for him, now, too.

3. The military is replete with marriage counseling services, chaplain services and support groups for women who are going thru the same thing as you are. Get some help. Stop being such a loner. You aren't doing a good job of solving this by yourself.

4. Your husband sounds depressed. Perhaps he's having an affair, maybe not. In any case, you are not prepared to figure this out by yourself. Marriage counseling is in order.
0 Replies
Count of Banterbury
Reply Sat 26 Mar, 2016 08:14 am
yes and one more thing ( I hoped it will not come down to this but that was just nativity from me): As you can see, it is not the smartest idea to write down your story to a bunch of strangers. That is, if you feel personally attached to it. A few people basically intentionally laugh or bash others, some are simply not very pleasant personalities. Whatever you read here, just don't take it personal and note, this is pretty much happening to anybody. It's just how it is: Internet. And there is no other place different. You might better talk to people you trust...

PS: if you happen to spend some time and read other people's threads you will realize that background of some of them... well, let just say there is no wonder that they are the way they are. You would not feel negative about random truck driver whistling at you as you pass by, right?
0 Replies

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