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Tue 22 Mar, 2016 07:52 am
hey everyone, I am reaching out because I need advice as I am torn and do not know what to do anymore.
I have been married with my husband for almost 10 years, and in the last few years I haven't been happy as I do EVERYTHING in our household, we argue alot, we disagree, he is a very difficult man. Also, since he is the only man I have ever been with sexually, he doesn't satisfy me in that way either....he only cares for his pleasure.
We have 2 kids, ages 6 and 3. I have been thru so much with this man, that I am confused as to whether I love him or not. He pushed me away for soooo many years when I wanted to be with him, and when I wanted it to work, and he just didn't care. I gave up.
In January I started talking to this guy at work(whom is married as well), he is everything I want my husband to be, we get along great, see each other everyday at work, would hang out after work, go to eat for lunch....I fell in love with this man. Then after 3 months, we got intimate and made love. My husband is the only other person I had ever been with, so this was a big deal.
Well my husband started suspecting I was talking to someone because I was always on my phone. So last week, he put a recording device in my car and recorded my conversations with my other guy, when we were together hanging out in the car, and my conversations with him on the phone.
I thought my husband would leave me, but he didn't and has decided to work things out with me because he loves me and because he knows he hasn't been there for me as my husband.
I on the other hand, don't know what I want. I feel bad seeing my husband hurting like this, but I don't love him like I used to. I don't know that I want to continue with him, and on the other side, I cant stop talking to this other man, nor can I stop seeing him because I work with him, I see him everyday, and am in love with him. All I can think about is him.
We have 2 houses together, 2 small kids, and I would hate for my kids to grow up without their father, but I feel so miserable right now. He's always checking my phone, my car, texting me, calling me every second of the day. I know I messed up, and I also know that he will be on me like this for a while, but I don't like it. I feel hopeless, I feel miserable, I am so unhappy and undecisive on what I want to do. I want to stay with my husband because of my family, and I care for him. But on the other side, I am not in love with him....I am torn and would like someone's advice on how I should handle this. I have tried talking to friends and they all tell me to give it time....but how do I give it time when I love someone else? But it's messed up because I cant be with that someone else because he is married. It's so hard!
@cheatingwife,
Time for counseling.
Seriously.
The dynamic is not good for you all to 'work things out' without assistance. I would suggest marital counseling because you have two small children. No matter what, they are going to be affected by this. They may not understand the affair but they will pick up on tension between you and your husband. At minimum, you owe it to your children to either try to stay together or to depart on the terms that give them the best possible care (e. g. an amicable separation and/or divorce, if it comes to that). They are innocent in this whole mess and are not capable of caring for themselves yet.
@cheatingwife,
First things first. Stop seeing the other guy. He is married. (As are you.)
Take a step back and figure out what you want to do. Keep in mind, this other guy may not be willing to leave his family for you. So you first need to figure out if leaving your family, giving up on your marriage, is really the direction you want to take. Is this fling with a married man, who probably is not going to leave his wife and family any time soon, worth giving up on your husband.
And yeah, I know. He says he loves you and wants to be with you, but has really good reasons (or will have good reasons) why he cannot leave his wife right now. But he will tell you to just give him time and at some indefinite point in the future he will be able to leave her for you. I cannot tell you how often I have read that exact thing on a2k from women who think the grass is greener on the other side.
@cheatingwife,
aggree with Jespah above. Children must be the priority now.
@CoastalRat,
I know the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I don't want him to leave his family for me, he has 3 BABIES, and I wouldn't want that for them. But I can't stop seeing him because I feel so much for him, and working with him doesn't help either. It's really hard.
@cheatingwife,
So you are willing to help him destroy his family so you can have some fun in the sack? After all, if you don't want him to leave his family, then why are you in the relationship with him? There is no future there. And if his wife finds out, then what?
I will assume you are talking about the situation with him rather than something else. (Sorry, could not help myself.) So what if it is difficult. Life is difficult. Doing the right thing is difficult. Being a responsible adult with a husband you promised to be faithful to and keeping up your end of the deal is difficult. Don't you owe it to your husband and your family to do everything you can to make things work before deciding to throw it away by screwing some other guy simply for the fun of it. Since, you know, you don't want him to leave his wife and babies.
I'm not saying to stay with your current husband. I think, as was mentioned earlier, counseling would be in order. But counseling will not work as long as you are screwing this other guy. So put on your big girl pants and decide what you want.
Do you want to stay and try to work things out? Great, stop screwing the other guy and put your efforts into rebuilding your marriage.
Do you want to end the marriage because you no longer "love" your husband? Then take steps to do so and then find an unattached guy to screw around with if that is what you want.
@cheatingwife,
just saying, I am not sure what mean "I love him" here because there are several "categories" of love. The question is if you just "love" him or you are actually "in love". The first can be "treated", the second one is medical/psychic condition. Medically speaking feeling of love can last between 2-4 years and first 6-9 months are most intensive. This is a general info I am not sure of these values change by age. If you "just" think of him but your brain is not physically addicted to him, there is still a good chance to save family and your job.
Counselor would be a very good idea.
@cheatingwife,
I could have written this post myself by just changing minor details. I know how difficult it is and what pain you can feel through this. I am getting closer and closer to separating from my husband but I have not done it yet. Please feel free to message me if you need an empathetic ear. I'm going through the same thing.
Are you calling talking with another man cheating? Or have you had a sexual relationship with the other man? Your opening post is not clear on that.
@cheatingwife,
I am going through this almost exactly. Curious what you've decided to do
@cheatingwife,
It's been a while since you Posted this. Have things changed? My advice would be to work things out with your husband. Breaking up the other mans family and your own, wouldn't be fair to the other parties involved. You should also think about getting another job.
@kwills,
What is your situation? Has it improved?
Cheatingwife, you are living in a world of miserable limbo.
You need to figure out what you want otherwise this is going to be your life for the next 10 years...or more.
If you are not happy with your marriage, get a divorce, people do it every day. Your marriage might be over but your married man's marriage is not. Do not hurt another woman this way. You are hurting yes, but do not be a participate in helping this man cheat on his wife. Plus, this in unfair to your husband. If you can not love him, set him free and allow him to find a woman who can. He may be angry with you at first but later he will thank you.
Plus, you work with this married man. You think your co-workers don't know that you are sleeping with him? They do and you are probably part of the water cooler gossip. Also, if his wife finds out and makes a scene at your job, you could very well lose it. Do not bring shame on yourself because of another woman's husband.
If it's either through counselling or spiritual, you need to figure out what you want to do because what you are doing now has life long damage. The longer you stay the more damage it will cause and the harder it will be to get out of.
@cheatingwife,
Your husband sounds unsatisfactory both before and after he found out. Unless you find a way to
greatly improve things with your husband, you are in for a miserable life if you stay with him unless you change your expectations of what is 'right'.
Staying with him because of the children may be the right thing to do because they Are important. But YOU need to find a way to fill your own needs. Most think it is impossible but a friend sans sex with the guy you love could make life much better.
If neither you nor he can do that then you need to figure out how much of your life you are willing to give up for the sake of 'stability' in an unhappy marriage. From what you have said, it would take a miracle worker of a counselor to make your husband a fit partner IMO.
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