Sat 19 Mar, 2016 11:40 am
I met my bf (29) one year ago. As a student I was new in the town and meeting him was the best possible thing that could happen to me. But only 2 months after that, he lost his apartment & had to move back with his parents in another town. He promised it would be for only 6 months. Thanks to his parents he got a job there and 6 months passed, until he lost this job too. After he couldn't find any other jobs, he decided to pick up his studies as a permanent solution to this problem while working on a part time job. I fully supported this decision until he announced that during his 4 year studies he's gonna stay with his parents cause he won't have enough money to pay the rent! And he knows damn well that I have massive problems handling the distance. Our relationship is basically a weekend relationship where most of the time I have to share it with his parents too. I spend most of my time stressing over missing him since he's not great at keeping in touch. He sends me an sms & comes back 6 hours later to check my answer! On the other hand, he's a great partner when we are together during the weekend. He's got many good qualities and I really want to support him to get back to the correct path in life.
My proposed solution to him was that we can have a humble student life together where we both work & pay for the living but he says he's had the experience of student life while living with his ex-partner & due to financial problems it led to a bad break up. Mind you that he always guard his past as if he was an ex-con! Even before I ask any questions he says, "don't ask anything about my past!" I don't know whether it's normal or not but that really makes me suspicious!
He doesn't want to go back to the miserable student life. He wants to have the money for vacation, going out with me, health care... instead of the rent! I don't care about the money or vacation, I think it would be so great if we could build a future together from scratch. I also don't care if I'm doing my PhD while he just wants to start his bachelor. But it's like he is not willing to give up the comfort at his parents' big house while spending great weekends with me since he has obviously taken me for granted and is sure each time he calls I go to him. Or it's that he wants to sacrifice me because of the bad experience he's had in the past. I'm giving him a chance to save our relationship by moving in with me and live like a student if he wants to correct his past mistakes (giving up his studies,...). If we try that I think we can make it work while if we stay like this I'm sure our relationship won't last long. He promised 6 months and now 1 year has already passed and emotionally it was the toughest year of my life and I'm not sure if I can go on like this for another 4 years or more and I have been clear with him on that.
Should i put up with the torture of long distance for another 4 years or should i make him accept my solution? Am I asking for too much? Or is there a middle-ground?
He doesn't want to go back to the miserable student life. He wants to have the money for vacation, going out with me, health care... instead of the rent!
I don't care about the money or vacation, I think it would be so great if we could build a future together from scratch.
you're in very different places in life and have very different views
there's no point in trying to pressure him into doing what you want - you're both going to end up unhappy and resentful
go on with your life where you are. if you can see each other occasionally as friends, that will be nice. if you're both still interested in each other romantically in three or four years, you can revisit where you both want to live.
relax. live your life and let him live his.
Should i put up with the torture of long distance for another 4 years
try to think of it as an ongoing honeymoon instead of torture
long distance isn't necessarily a bad thing
friends of mine did long distance for 12 years , and loved every minute of it. they've been married over 30 years now and still talk about the long distance years as the best years of their relationship
Thank you for the reply. Interesting point of view. I'd never looked at it from this angle. I will give it a good thought. It's always good to know that there can be other options.