Problematic Stepson who is 15.

PFP--

Congratulations!

Some thoughts on martial arts. A good martial arts school teaches strength-with-control. A misuse of power is dishonorable and the offender dishonors not only himself/herself, but the martial arts master and the school....

A good martial arts school is a community....and TJ needs a community.

I also think he needs to make as many choices--delightful choices--as possible. Martial arts? Maybe. Football? Maybe. Bullying Seminar? Maybe. Cooking classes? Maybe. Needlework? Unlikely, but just barely possible.

He's headed into the worst of the turbulent teens and he must learn to make good decisions. Decisions from now on can affect the rest of his life.

Choices. You describe him as a brawny, fully developed teenager. Is he showing any interest in girls? Are there any activities where he could meet girls? True Love (even puppy true love) has been either the salvation or the ruin of many a man.

You will undoubtedly have some Interesting Times in your near future, but at least TJ has learned to define some of his vocabulary words. Of course they won't be words tested on the College Boards, but information is a good thing.

I'm scared for TJ to join Martial Arts. Not for him, for me! I don't have that complete trust factor that he won't hurt me yet. I can look into the sports thing but I'm afraid and his dad is fearful he will hurt me as well. His father can handle him. I can not.

I agree he has to learn to make choices. But I think for my own safety and benefit, I will make this choice. For now anyway.

TJ did have a girlfriend, my best friends daughter. Until TJ beat up her little brothers friend. Now, she is afraid of him. TJ has had a few female friends since he moved her but he does the "cool" thing and pushes little kids around or anybody he thinks he can take. Girls don't like the macho thing around here. He doesn't seem to care that girls reject him. Why?

Do you suppose, TJ is pushing everyone away BEFORE they have the chance to do it to him first???????????? He has stated that he doesn't want me around and that he wants time alone with his Dad. They go boating, fishing, driving, outdoor hikes together. But TJ stated last night at the family meeting that he doesn't want me around. I told him that I was there to stay, good or bad, happy or sad. We would all need to find a happy medium where we could be happy.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

approach


You definitely need to consider your safety, but you also need to remember that YOUR approach to any given situation can diffuse it or escalate it.

I am bowled over by this thread. Great approval to everybody from me for honesty and trying to help each other.

a few quick opinions -
Martial arts are often very solidifying of self respect in a good way and seem to cut down flailing aggressiveness; I don't know about downsides, I suppose there are some. Perhaps one, I would guess, is something that happens for many people in stress, they find an avenue and go whole hog without perspective on the new avenue. But most people live through those dives into new things.

You will have ups and downs, try to keep the love up in the downs, but not in a saccharine way, obviously.

My ex was a bully as an eleven or twelve year old and made changes in his early teens. He credits getting involved in theater at his high school (he became a playwright later) and the dynamic theatrical director, for engaging his interest in having an overview.

I am a little chary of big sports for a big guy with a present bullying behavior... he would be picked to be in a power position and coached, often anyway, in efforts to promote crushing. Me, I'd avoid that.

But, finally, he needs to help make these choices, gradually I would guess, and not just have them imposed.

I've seen a side of TJ the last 2 days that make me wonder........ Yesterday was a very upsetting day for me. I cried, cried and cried. My husband says he hates to see me so upset. He suggested that he and TJ would go away for awhile which upset me even more. Between the sobbing outbursts I explained to him that that wouldn't solve anything. He'd be running and so would TJ. He says he doesn't know what else he can do and that all he knows it that this is tearing me apart. That I'm afraid would add fuel to the fire. Not to mention, TJ would be getting his wish granted. I suggested perhaps a weekend camping adventure for them and that would give me a little breathing room to sort some of my own issues out and update my journal.

TJ has been avoiding me at all costs the last few days. He almost seems "humble". I feel like a loner! He gets along well with my daughter who is 12 (soon to be 13) and laughs and carries on with his father as well. When it comes to me................... he won't even look at me. I think he's angry because I want to help him! Maybe he's afraid that this psychologist will get to the root of the problem and help him deal with whatever it is. Maybe he thinks if we deal with this that he won't have any power any more. I think sometimes that he feels shame for what he has said to me and the names he called me. He also avoid our friends like they have a disease. They visited for an hour last evening and TJ left the room. I think he's embarrased at what he did to their children. They are very supportive, moreso than I would have thought. They stand behind us 100% and agree that TJ needs to be validated.

My husband spent much of the summer Lobster fishing and TJ would go on the boat and do some of the more disgusting jobs (bait) and as his reward our friend bought him a new bike. The rules in our house are that no one rides a bike without a bicycle helmet. TJ refused to wear a helmet because "I'll look stupid" was his comment. His bike was locked in the barn until he decided otherwise. My daughter, who has great self-esteem tried to tell him that if he looked stupid, then the rest of them did too and then left to ride her bike. In the early evening SB (my daughter) would drive around the door yard riding her bike and sporting her helmet. Yesterday when I arrived home, TJ was out riding his bike with his helmet on. I've made some progress here...... no, I think SB needs that credit.

It's been 3 nights since I've gotten any sleep and it is starting to take its toll on me. In your opinion, do you think this is going ok? I'm so confused I don't know which way is up and which way is down?
Sleepless (not in Seattle but in New Brunswick)

Doesn't sound like he's angry. Sounds more like shame. He knows he's wrong for calling you those names and he knows he's wrong about alot of other things as well. He won't reach out to you but, as the adult, you must reach out to him. Talk to him, join in the conversations between he and your daughter or his father if you can (without butting in), let him know that you too are a part of his world and you want your relationship to progress, not stand still or worse, regress. Can't just tell him that, tho'. You've got to show him through your actions.

I have 3 steps and as crazy as they made me and as much trouble as they caused between their father and me, I was always grateful that they adored me even when I didn't 'adore' them. They're grown now. We all survived.

Hang in there. Much luck to you and yours.

eoe:

Your words are most comforting. I thought it was a shame issue as well. Did you cry often, lose sleep? What do I do if I try to join in on the conversation and the only ones who will talk to me are my husband and SB. Do I force a conversation on him?????? SB seems to be trying to overcompensate for TJ's disinterest in me lately and I'm afraid that she's trying hard to give me extra love she feels I need at this time.

Everything seems to be about TJ and the family and ALL focus is on him right now. I think that maybe she feels left out. She says "bad attention gets all the attention". I definetly don't want her to start acting out to get attention. Your suggestions?

My father (God rest his soul & wisdom) often said to me when I was having issues with my kids............. "Remember G, whatever you do remember you were a kid once too". I think that every day.

And that good 'ol saying from Mom, "Never burn your bridges behind you, you never know when you'll have to go back and cross it with your own".

Well, I'm on the bridge!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pfp--

Remember, you are the powerful, mature adult and you are in charge. Affection from TJ would be nice--but he's a kid with a lot of healing to do. Would you expect him to be huggy-kissy with you if he were lying on the ground in agony from the pain of a broken leg? A bruised psyche is just as painful.

Before TJ entered your life, affection from your husband and from your daughter was enough. Right now he's as much A Problem as A Beloved Family Member. Would you expect affection from a leaky roof or a blocked up sink or a passing tornado?

One grim fact of stepmothering is there are few immediate and tangible rewards and lots and lots and lots of daily irritants.

Is there a little money in the household budget to spend on yourself to reward yourself? A hairdo? A paperback? Exotic tea? Expensive chocolate?

Just because TJ treats you like a revolting human being doesn't mean that you are a revolting human being. TJ's actions are not primarily a criticism of you--just a spinoff of his pain and confusion.

By the by: one important aspect of martial arts is respect for elders. Respect for elders isn't stressed at football camp.

Good luck.

Perspective


Pennfieldpal:

I feel, I feel, I feel . . .

You are showing resentment toward a 15 year old child because he's in the spotlight and you're not. So, you're crying and sitting on your pity pot as a means to get your hubby's attention refocused on you. Your daughter is concerned that YOU aren't getting enough attention. Do you see something wrong here?

You're the adult. Unless you're so insecure that you have to be the center of attention all the time, you don't need your entire family focusing on YOUR feelings and YOUR needs. You should be focusing on getting this 15 year old child on the right track. You only have three years left until he is 18 years old and an official adult.

If it makes you feel better to ruin his chances of leading a happy, healthy life just so you can be the controlling, center of attention within the family, then go for it. If not, then you need to put things into perspective and get off your pity pot. You will probably be angry with me again, but I think you need to reread all of your posts and objectively see where you have been placing your focus.

This is not very stoic. Practice stoicism. No crying jags. Jeez, no wonder your dh wants to leave and your dd sees bad behavior as a means to getting attention. Get out the Calgon, and meditate on the fine thoughts of Pierre Teilherd de Chardin (which I paraphrase for you here,) "it is as easy to work toward peace as work toward chaos."



My suggestion? Be a rock, an anchor for your family. Do your usual routines (but lose the routine of self-pity) and talk to a family therapist about this. It honestly doesn't sound like everything was perfect before 2 months ago if this is you now. Denial ain't a river in Egypt, PFP. Your problems are running too deep... find a family therapist w/a call line for emergencies 24/7. Take your worries, take your histrionics and place them on his/her message machine, and don't bother your family w/this pitiful crying jag histrionic stuff. Save it for when somebody is dying which is not this situation.

Jmo, fwiw. PP

And, I think your fear of martial arts making your TJ more dangerous is misplaced. It would likely be very useful for him, empowering in a good way, not a bad one, empowering him to control himself.

I am the first to admit that I have not been very emotionally stable since the death of my 40 year old sister who died on November 18th. She was my best friend and I took 5 weeks from my home and work to be with her 9 hours away until she passed away. A few months back I did seek the advise of a psychologist / psychiatrist (the same one TJ will be seeing on September 2). It seems that I don't get over one situation completely and another arises. This weekend I will re-read and rethink my whole situation.

Frankly, if I were them I wouldn't want to be around me either. I'm an emotional basket case. I'm not looking for pity............... I'm looking for inner peace.

competition
Life will throw you curve balls. That's inevitable. Inner peace will come when you accept the inevitable curve balls and deal with them from a position of strength rather than weakness.

Each person in your family is important. T.J. is important. Your husband is important. Your daughter is important. You are important. The four of you together make a family. [Your adult son is part of your family too, but he is an adult and is no longer living under your roof.]

Being a member of the family should not equate to engaging in a competition for love and attention. There should be enough of that to go around for everyone.

Yet, you have created a "competition" between yourself and T.J. within the dynamics of your family.

When things got bad the first time, you sent T.J. to live with his grandparents. Do you think that would have happened if you hadn't prodded your husband to get rid of the problem?

You didn't get rid of the problem. T.J. exists and T.J. has huge issues with abandonment and anger. And, the two of you are competing for your husband's love and attention. You are not T.J.'s friend, you are his adversary. Why would he want to be close to you when you're the one who keeps driving a wedge between him and his father with your emotional outbursts?

The sad part in this entire ordeal is that competition is not necessary. Your husband loves both of you. Although you say you don't want to place your husband in a position where he has to choose between you; your actions contradict your words.

You can't stop yourself from playing the role of the aggrieved, suffering stepmother who has this horrible stepson who is making HER LIFE miserable. Would all your problems be solved if you sent this trouble-maker away to military school? Not at all. You will only be creating a bigger monster with bigger issues of abandonment and anger.

If T.J. does not resolve these issues before reaching adulthood, he will have huge problems in life.

Your window of opportunity for helping T.J. to grow into a happy, healthy adult is growing smaller and smaller and smaller.

Debra is pretty rough but what she's saying is true. Before you accomplish anything with this boy, you've got to search yourself and be upfront about what you're doing. Are you being fair and honest about your feelings? Are you thinking about what he may be going through? Have you tried looking at the entire situation from his young and frightened perspective? He is just a child after all.

My steps had serious issues with their mothers (I'm wife #3) and the last thing I wanted was to be another negative woman in their lives. They didn't have it easy as children and by the time I came around, the two oldest had been severed scarred, physically and emotionally, by their mother. Whenever issues arose between us and I felt a negative reaction coming on, the first question I asked myself was, at this moment, do they need discipline or compassion? That was the yardstick I measured things by, taking their younger years with a paranoid schizophrenic mother who'd beat them senseless, into consideration at all times. Maybe TJ wasn't beaten but does he have reasons to feel unwanted. Does he know that you want him out of your home?

You don't have to admit a damn thing to any of us. But you need to be honest about where you're really coming from. For you.

I read through this a little and noticed you said your husband took TJ fishing (lobster boating). That's great, and I think you should encourage more of that. Fishing and hunting are great outdoor activities that kids of all ages tend to love. They have a fairly easy learning curve at first, and great rewards. For one, they get the kids out of the environment that is enabling their bad behavior.

If you think this may be too difficult to take upon yourself, here is a list of people (someone should be in your area), that can help put you in touch with groups and/or mentors that can teach the necessary outdoor skills. These are good people and they do everything gratis.

http://www.tednugent.com/members/director_listing.shtml

Good luck to you.

EOE:

Yes Debra can be rough but I appreciate her honesty. It's exactly what I need to hear. It I wanted to hear "what I want to hear" I'd have asked my family. And yes, the last thing I want is to be is a negative woman in his life. I too am wife # 3.

CJHSA:

My husband is very outdoorsy. We tease him all the time calling him "crocodile dundee". We actually think Mick Dundee could learn a few things from him. He'd be all TJ would need in the great outdoors.

As for my 4 day vacation, this is how it went.................

Day # 1 Friday. We had some major computer problems with TJ and SB not being able to get on MSN. So TJ and I spend 1/2 the day repairing and rewiring and got it up and running. I did find out that TJ is very eager to learn. He's not been around computers very much. After the repairs, SB set TJ up with his own chat name and introduced him to a few of her friends online. This way he can get online and talk to people whenever he wants. He absolutely loves it! I'm truly glad for him.

Friday evening we took them into the "city" about a 45 minute drive away and we went to get a bite to eat at a burger joint and then went to Digital World where each member of the family picked out a DVD of their choice (my treat). We went home and put all the names of the movies in a hat and dad picked them out 1 by 1 in viewing order. We watched movies and ate popcorn all night. It was one of the best nights I've had in a long time.

Saturday morning my husband had to run an errand and I got up with him at 8:00am. Soon after he left, TJ got up and he asked if he could have coffee with me. I poured him a coffee and we had a great chat. I told him that things will work out fine. If our friends didn't want him in their house then our "whole" family would not go. I told him that he was more important to us than a friendship. That made him feel good. I told him that he could talk to me about "anything". I told him I was there to help him and in return he had to help me. He had to help me understand his needs and help me help him. He thanked me. The first time he said "thank you" to me. It was very uplifting.

That evening we helped SB get ready for her week trip to PEI. He helped fold laundry (when he wasn't looking I refolded it) but he tried. He took SB's luggage to the van and then we re-watched the documentary of the Titanic.

Sunday was a computer day for the kids, they had a ball. Typing and giggling. The laughter in the house was refreshing. It had been a while. TJ and SB took the dog and cat for a walk to the stream by the house and they tossed rocks all afternoon.

Monday we left the house at 9:30 to drive to PEI for SB to meet her dad and his family. SB and I sat in the back and TJ and dad were up front. The drive home was great. TJ wanted to sit in back so he could fall asleep and that was ok for me. We stopped to eat and stretch our legs. He said he'd miss SB but at least he wouldn't have to share the computer. I told him he was lucky to have time to himself on it without having to take turns. Later that evening his father and I discussed him having more fun things to do with him. He asked TJ to go with him for a while and they left. When they came back, TJ's face was aglow with fun and laughter. His father had taken him in the back woods and let him drive the old truck. He had a blast.

This morning when I got up for work my husband got up to start cutting more wood in the back yard. TJ voluntarily got up and offered to help.

I think things will be fine. I do realize that I love TJ and underneath he's a superior kid who has trouble with feelings. Then again, so do I so he's more like me than I realized.

When school goes back in September, he will be joining the Martial Arts team as well as diving lessons in the big city. Hopefully he'll see that we are trying. Thanks to all. I look forward to staying in touch. Pennfieldpal!

Nothing like progress! Sounds like you guys are well on your way to mending and becoming a real family, in each others' corner 100%.
Congratulations to all of you.

I agree. I am sure there will be setbacks but you have a great foundation for working things out. I am confident for you all.

PFP
Thank you for not being angry with me. You sound like a wonderful woman with a good head on her shoulders. You made a good effort to connect with TJ and to help him feel like a loved, respected, welcomed member of the family. He needs that so much!

He isn't going to be perfect. (He will NEVER be perfect--none of us will EVER be perfect.) He's going to make mistakes over the next few years. He may even crave "negative" attention because that is how he has conditioned his mind to achieve attention.

Don't reinforce those negative attention-getting behaviors with harsh words, criticism, crying scenes, and punishment. Melt away those negative behaviors with hugs and empathy and a positive approach.

Example: When he starts driving and gets a speeding ticket--simply tell him that you're not going to get angry because he made a mistake. Tell him that you welcome the opportuntity to "remind" him about the purpose behind speed limits (for the protection of people--speeding drivers may negligently cause the death of other persons and end up going to jail), explain the consequences if the ticket isn't paid (warrant for arrest and stiffer penalties) and the consequences if he gets too many tickets (loss of license). That's it. He doesn't need to be punished, he just needs to learn the lessons that life inevitably tries to teach him.

T.J. will appreciate your positive approach to every situation and--inevitably--he will strive to show you that he is worthy of your positive and kind attitude toward him.

It's okay for T.J. to makes mistakes. He will learn from them and become a better person from the experience if you help him.

Hi everyone:

It's been a while since I've updated you but things have been going really well at home. TJ is back in school and doing well, likes his teachers and has made a few new friends. There is one kid that gives him trouble......
which leads to this weekends episode.

While my family was visiting with friends, the kids went outside with their kids to play. The 15 year old boy next door to my friends instantly started picking on TJ. I instructed my kids to not retaliate. Upon doing as I asked the name calling from the next door neighbours got out of hand. (I guess they were upset that they weren't getting a rise out of TJ). TJ then shouted out that they'd better knock it off and the next thing I heard was TJ scream. I ran outside with my friend (we were having a game of crib at the time) and saw the mother grab TJ and going to cause great physical harm to him. I got a hold of TJ and put him behind me. I told her if she had any thoughts of causing bodily harm to MY child, she'd better reconsider. She "sucker punched" me right in the nose and broke it. The rest is history, but I guarantee that she's an awful lot more sore than my nose. It's like, "say anything you want but DON'T EVER touch my kids". TJ may be ADHD but he's fitting in just fine and doesn't deserve to be grabbed by any ADULT. Afterwards I sat my kids down and explained to them that I was very embarrassed about the whole incident and that it should have never come to that. I told TJ that when he's at school that he's not to associate with that kid or go anywhere near him. We don't need this kind of trouble. When we arrived home, TJ said "You love me don't you G.?" I said, I would have never put myself in that position if I didn't! I would die for TJ and my daughter. My nose felt like I did. But the sad thing is is that even though I've been having nightmares for the past 2 nights, I do it all again to protect them. Now my dilemma is to make my kids know that a mothers protection is nothing to bargain with and that this is not an every day occurance. At least I hope it's not. Now the focus if off TJ and on me. I need help to deal with the bad (but justifiable) actions I did. Any suggestions? Be nice now Debra!!!!! I'm fragile at this point. I'm not looking for anyone to say what I did was right or wrong, just how to deal with my kids and how they feel. No one has ever seen that side of me before, not even me. My husband says he understands why I did what I did. I wasn't going to stand there and let her hit me repeatedly. I asked him, "if it was a man that grabbed TJ and he sucker puched you, what would you have done?" His reply was "exactly what you did". I said "so why is it so awful when a mother does it?" Because she's female she needs to curb her motherly insticts when a situation like this arises! Man, do I feel bad today. Just writing this I'm feeling worse. Advice welcome.......... Pennfieldpal