Problematic Stepson who is 15.

Despise the child
You clearly despise your stepson. The hate and resentment comes through in every sentence. . . .

You sound angry, frustrated, at the end of your rope. You also sound like you are blaming a child for reacting to situations which probably feel beyond his control to him... Think about it: he was 11 when you married his father, then reacted badly to the new household and got sent away from home for 4 years, banished to the grandparents home... Then you move him back to your home and start parenting without addressing his issues, and I am quite certain he has them by how much he is acting out... Teenagers often act like bigger versions of toddlers. Their behavior is similar, they strike out, forget to use their words, have the worst case of "terrible twos" as the "terrible twelves." Then, worsen it by adding in blending 2 families... It's never pretty or tied up as easily as a Brady Bunch episode. It will probably be a constant struggle, unresolved until T is old enough to leave home and be out on his own. I understand your frustration, but I would like to ask you to step back and take a look at the world from your stepson's perspective for just a minute, please. As hard as it seems to you, it probably seems harder to him.

I've been a parent of a blended family and it sucks. So bad that I wouldn't do it again without a family therapist on call, 24/7. The best bit of advice I can pass on from my last stint as mom of a blended family w/teenagers is to make each day a new opportunity to do well, to get along. Have rules in place, general or specific, but only the ones that make things work better for the whole household, like, "Do your homework, then these x chores, then your time is yours." Or, "Namecalling is not allowed, but debating your position articulately is." Those were 2 of ours... Then, you all have a clear idea of what is expected... Then, you need a system in place for handling infractions because teenagers will test your rules... For us, we used a hierarchy of priveleges taken away for the rest of the day: no phone privelege, no leaving to go with friends, no tv, computer only if needed for homework, no stereo, go to your room after dinner, no dessert, only bread/rice for dinner, door removed if you lock yourself in and won't open it when asked... something like that: trying to tie them in to the infraction of the rules but also getting more extreme/confining. It can seem severe, but it's only for the one day (except in the case of the door: that would stay off indefinitely but would be returned to its hinges when the child behaves pleasantly consistantly.) I don't think my kids ever went without dinner, but did miss dessert a few times... Then, when they wake up the next day, they have a chance to start anew. I would have done this w/your example of him pretending to be sick for 2 days and let him go scuba diving the 3rd day... You're the parent, so you must parent or else, give up. Your situation makes it all harder~more convoluted since you did give up parenting for a 4 year stretch there... That makes this harder, means you need to give more to an already hurting boy, earn back his respect that I'm sure got damaged by the banishment to grandparents household...

Things are different: the dynamics of a 15 year old with anger and abandonment issues are going to be different than those of an 11 year old who is adjusting to a new stepparent and household. I'm glad you won't make your dh choose because this'll all be passed in just 3 more years... Just think of it as 1,000 days of battles. Stick to rules that make sense, don't engage in histrionics, develop a stoic exterior, buy lots of Calgon or pamper yourself in some other manner in private and just don't let the boy know how frustrating you find his behavior... Protect your dd. Your friends will either understand and be forgiving or aren't much as friends go, but if things aren't contained by rules followed ardently, understand if they take a 1,000 day vacation from being your friends... Have you ever heard the question, "how do you peel jello from the wall?" The answer is, "Give it time," and that is also the answer to frustrating parenting dilemmas. Be logical, be fair, and give it all time...

Good luck! PP (former stepmom to ds26, dd24, and biokids ds23, ds21, dd13, dd7, ds5)

Good advice
Good advice princess!

I love that philosophy: Each day is brand new! A child (no matter how old) needs to know that the slate can indeed be wiped clean and that he can be given a fresh start.

I also like your approach that the child can articulate or argue his case so long as he does it respectfully (no name calling). If you respond with, "You made a good point and I will consider that (or I will accept that)," then the child feels respected and is more likely to return respect. It's a two-way street.

I'm in the same boat with a 13 year old. When I draw the line and he crosses it his Mom saves him from the consequences. So I had to give up trying to parent. I make each day a new day and wipe the slate clean. Somehow I think it's making a difference.

I finally feel like someone is listening to me. I DO LOVE TJ. I think every day of what he came from. I often think he doesn't want my love. I try and he rejects me. I took him to the beach the other day and all he wanted to do was stay by his dad and I. We encourage him to be active and healthy. Think about it Debra_Law, if I DIDN'T care.... why would I be asking for the help and advise of strangers. Why? Because I need someone to help me with TJ. His father and I want to help him but where. We've tried the counselling but they keep looking at everyone else but TJ. All and any info or suggestions will be absorbed as princess has shed light on very good points. I was very angry when I came to work this morning and didn't see TJ. Now I am feeling more understanding and wanting to help and not hurt.

PennfieldPal--

Welcome to A2K.

I survived stepmothering six kids--all boys. Two were "normal teenagers". One had learning disabilities. One had ADD. One was an amoral psychotic with drug and alcohol problems and one had schizophrenia.

Believe me, the temptation for a stepmother to turn Really Wicked and start handing out poison apples is quite common. "Blended Family" can be an euphemism for "Ungodly Amalgamation".

Look, you picked your husband--and he's hard to love 24/7. No one is loveable all the time--and no one is loving, either. Don't beat yourself up for murderous feelings towards TJ--just don't act on those feelings.

Princess Pupule has some good survival techniques. Can you adapt them for your own situation?

I found some comfort in looking on stepmothering as a challenging job rather than a love relationship. Success, not love, is the payoff.

TJ is fifteen? You'll have at least three more years together. Try to give him the skills to survive on his own, domestically and emotionally. You're not working for "love"--your goal is an independent young man.

Good luck.

Until TJ moved in, my house was "normal". I didn't expect to have all the problems that I'm having. He had loving grandparents but started pushing them around to get his own way. He seems to do that with everyone (who is smaller than him of course) and then it got out of hand and a group of kids retaliated against him. Enough so to drive him 9 hours away from his grandparents and mother to our home. We did make sure this summer that we took him home to visit with his mother and grandparents. He was not able to stay with them as his mother has several issues of her own. TJ was a smoker, drinker and drug user when he came to us. He no longer smokes, drinks (we live in the boonies and my husband and I don't drink so he has no access) and he did get in to drugs when he first went to school in February but we met with the school facilitators and made alternate arrangements for TJ's noon periods other than leaving the school grounds. TJ never had to do anything when he lived with his grandparents. He had his way of getting what he wanted and when he wanted it. Now I have him doing his own laundry, changing his linen on HIS bed, helping his stepsister with dishes and recently how to use the microwave while I'm at work. I feel that I have made some progress with TJ. He doesn't want to do "women's work" but I'm persistent. My son was 18 when he left after graduation, but he could cook, clean and do laundry. He was a better cook than me that's for sure. TJ is not eager to learn and maybe I want for him what I gave to my son. The ability to stand on their own when they leave my home. Believe me, when I married Todd, I sent TJ presents for every occasion, cards, money (and equally with what I spent on my own children). I treated him like my own. Now when he gets grounded (often) he askes why his stepsister can do things that he can't. He doesn't get it! How do I make him see that she is punished when necessary and rewarded when necessary.... just like him. The other day he came into my kitchen and asked me in a stern voice "why aren't the friggin' dishes put away yet". HELLO! This kid thinks he's ruling me now. I have never been so confused in my whole life. I do know one thing. I love my husband dearly and this is where I belong...... but I will not be lead by a child not his nor mine. So how do you deal with this??????

It helps
It helps to vent and then it helps to put your feelings into perspective.

Dealing with a child who is not your own--someone you haven't bonded with as a baby and small child--is indeed a huge challenge. I don't underestimate how hard this is for you! When it's the hardest to love a child, that's when you need to show it the most. Love probably won't solve all the teenage behavior problems, but if he can look back on his childhood and acknowledge, "I was a real ****, but they loved me anyway," that knowledge of being loved unconditionally is the most precious gift that you can give to another human being.

A beautiful post. Unconditional love. Say it to yourself every day. I do.

Debra_Law,

I absolutely love what you wrote! You also have given me the hope that I will get through this. I hope TJ will too! Yesterday at work I made 4 folders which contained the definition of every "nasty" word he had called me as well as an agenda for our 1st weekly "family discussion". I locked my office and drove 45 minutes to get home. I made dinner and not one word was spoken until after dinner at which time I called to each member of my family. I calmly said "now we are going to sit and talk about everything that is happening in our family and what we can do to make this a home that everyone wants to be in". We all sat and rationally discussed each of the items on my agenda. You know, TJ couldn't even tell me the meaning of half the words he called me. He now knows the meanings of each and how devastating they can be. TJ talked and we listened. I didn't think yesterday morning that I could do that, BUT after reading some of the responses everyone has sent I WANTED to. I truly want to help TJ and whatever it takes I want him to know that we do love and care for him and that we want what's best for him. He has agreed to see a child psychologist in our area and we will speak with the principal of his High School to have him enrolled in a Bullying Workshop in September.

I felt yesterday when you said it was obvious that I hated TJ, you were very harsh and I was angry at you for writing it. But then I realized that you were right and what kind of person am I to hate a child that I don't even know (his past) and didn't even try to get to know without judging him first. I must live with that preliminary judgement of TJ but at least now I can work past that and change it. I was WRONG to despise a child who came into my "perfect" family and "rock my boat". Until yesterday, I realized my "perfect" family was a lie. I look back and think.............. you know that "bum" that lives in the woods about a mile from my house, I've spoken kind words to him every day I see him (although our society doesn't want to believe he exists because he is different) and I don't care what people think of me for "dare paying attention to that bum". I speak out of kindness........... A stranger! And look how I've been treating a member of my own family. SHAME ON ME!

The best thing I've ever done was happen along this website yesterday. Sometimes you just need the advise of someone not close to your situation but who has been there.

I am eager to keep our lines of communication going as you are MY therapy.

Good to read how this is going! I'm just following along (I don't have any kids). Hope it works out for you, Pennfieldpal. Welcome to Able2know!

My next dilemma is: How much is too much?

I've scheduled a meeting with TJ, his Dad and me for September 2nd to see a Psychologist. Also I've contacted the John Howard Society Outreach, A.C.T.I.O.N. Services for TJ to take Anger Management Sessions. I've also given consideration to a Bullying Seminar but I think it all may be too overwhelming for him. Maybe not?

Any and all feedback would help considerably.

Welcome, pfPal!

September 2 is not that far away, in the scale of life. Perhaps the psychologist can make some suggestions as to the type and amount of programming that's appropriate for T.J. I think you're right to wonder if getting him involved in a lot of stuff at the same time might be overwhelming. T.J's been through a lot, and he needs help re-balancing, or perhaps balancing for the first time.

It's great to see that you're willing to help him - and offering him positive options.

Counselling is a good idea, anger management is probably a good idea (especially if TJ said he'd go or if your dh thinks TJ needs to go.) But, what is a bullying seminar? It sounds a little bit silly to me, jmo, fwiw... Honestly, rather than a bullying seminar, I would convince TJ he either wants to be on a sports team or take martial arts. Both require discipline and team sports generally foster team-spiritedness which can then be borrowed for home use. They also provide an outlet for pent up energy that may become destructive in teenagers without any identifiable vent. And boys generally are more approachable when they are practicing some activity than when they are just sitting around talking, have you ever noticed that? Girls have teachable moments sitting down talking w/you, but boys are more teachable when they are stretching or concentrating on making baskets, or what have you...

Good luck with everything, PFP! And welcome to A2K. I felt these boards were a godsend when I found them, too, although I needed a debating outlet more than parenting advice...

Aloha, PP

Hey Princess: Thanks for welcoming me and thanks to everyone else that has done likewise.

I work in the School Board system and "Bullying" is a HUGE problem here. Like everywhere I'm assuming. TJ has that tendancy to Bully but only to small kids and weak kids. Never the ones he says who are "big and ugly enough to take care of themselves". Bullying seminars were incorporated into our school systems to let kids who are Bullies know the life long impact they cause to others. It is more of an awareness program. Silly or not it seems to have worked for several children with behavioral problems.

Martial Arts. Now I know your kidding! He's a very strong kid with the strength of an ox. Can you imagine him with any more knowlegde of fighting than he already has. He'd get pissed at me and kick the daylights out of me. NOPE, definetly not. Sports, perhaps. We tried to get him into Rugby already and he was gung ho at first and then couldn't be bothered.

Now what? Just wait to see what the professionals say, what about "in the meantime". You are right though, Sept 2 isn't that far off! Please don't think I'm being negative on your comments but this kid is tough! He scares me!

Love is contagious.


Bravo! Bravo! "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind."

Just that little tweak in attitude towards TJ will help make the road you are traveling so much easier. Fill your home with humor, laughter, smiles, hugs, praise, and other displays of happiness and affection. If you frown, the people around you frown. If you smile, the people around you smile. Emotions are contagious. Love is contagious.

participation
Discuss this with the psychologist when all of you are together so that each person's input can be considered. Value T.J.'s input into his own therapy. What is the difference between the programs in terms of "lessons to be learned" and time requirements? If T.J. feels the Bullying Seminar in addition to Anger Management sessions might be too much or overwhelming to him, which program will he benefit from the most? If T.J. helps to make the decision, he will feel personally invested and will put forth the effort necessary to make his participation worthwhile.

I can't tell you how heartened I am by these results. Bless all of you.

Martial arts is all about discipline. If he's at all interested in the classes, he may bond w/the instructor, and you will have a backup authority figure on your side: one who is all about self-discipline. My oldest, now 23, had anger issues as a teen in our blended family, and putting a chair outside for him to beat on was the first suggestion of our counsellors, and ds said that was "lame," but went about destroying a couple of chairs out back, but he liked martial arts and it made a huge difference in his life. He was also in jrotc, a teen firedancer(samoan style: part of a polynesian revue), and a paddler. Bullying wasn't his nature, but angry outbursts were quite common for a while until we found the right vent for him: martial arts. Ds21 turned his anger at the blending inward (that was his nature,) and we had a whole 'nother batch of problems w/his adolescence than w/his older brother's... I've since become a single parent again, so dd13 doesn't have blending problems, but is inclined to bully the littler ones when I rely on her to babysit for me while I am at work, but reminding her that she wouldn't think of trying to motivate her teammates with those techniques works at stopping her mid-criticism when I hear her threatening the youngest 2... I don't know, perhaps bullying seminars are good for kids, I have never heard of them, so have no real opinion except that they sound too passive and cerebral a method for kids who are acting out... Maybe bullying is calculated rather than reflexive, I'm going to think on that one today. If it's calculated at a parent, I would hope a parent would be more cunning than their child... My dd only tries to bully her younger brother and sister, and that is only to get them to do what is expected of them (put your clothes away, put your dish in the sink now.) Long family discussions about how people felt weren't getting through to her, but when I asked her if she would use her techniques to get a teammate to move to get a ball, she said, no, of course not, she would use motivation and positive reinforcement, and the lightbulb went on for her... I still catch her towering over the littler ones demanding that they do such and such now, which makes me thinks it's more a reflex or habit in her case than anything calculated and deliberately mean...

But, back to martial arts: it's a fine activity. It's not all about throwing punches, it's mental preparation applicable to all parts of life, and a very good thing for youth to learn. I recommend you check out programs in your area, talk to the instructors and find out if they offer any classes specifically for boys w/anger problems; many do...