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widows new love

 
 
Reply Mon 14 Mar, 2016 03:42 pm
I have been seeing a widow for almost a year now and he wants me to move in with him and start our life together..He stills has a sort of shrine of her all around....I am not comfortable with this..What can I do gently?
 
ossobuco
 
  2  
Reply Mon 14 Mar, 2016 03:58 pm
@frankies owner,
How long has he been a widower?
frankies owner
 
  2  
Reply Mon 14 Mar, 2016 04:00 pm
@ossobuco,
Since 2010..I have done everything to make sure all is nice and fine...I am also a widower and lost my husband the same year he lost his wife..I only have a few remembrances..Like jewelry, he has a whole hallway and laminated obit and thins like this all over the house..I just feel uncomfortable about it..He did move all the pictures out of the bedroom but all the other rooms are loaded with stuff..Not sure I can handle it
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Mar, 2016 04:18 pm
@frankies owner,
I agree with you for sure. We used to have a wise woman here, Noddy24 - whom most of us posters here for a long time still miss - that would advise that (given you didn't entirely hate the spouse) there is a natural mourning period of something like two years. But this is six.

I haven't dealt with this issue myself, so I'll be quiet and wait to hear what other posters say.
0 Replies
 
roger
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Mar, 2016 04:45 pm
@frankies owner,
frankies owner wrote:

What can I do gently?


Sadly, I think it's a matter of adapt to him, or invest your time somewhere else. I don't see him changing, and if you move in, you seriously limit your options. Sometimes, living alone is the better choice.
0 Replies
 
Leadfoot
 
  0  
Reply Mon 14 Mar, 2016 06:01 pm
Holy **** girls, If you are scared of a dead woman you are pathetic beyond words.

My 'significant other' and I have been together for 2 years but she was happily married to another man for 43. If some memories or pictures of him starts bothering me, I swear I'll shoot myself in shame.

But that's just me. I never was much for what passes for conventional wisdom.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Mar, 2016 06:22 pm
@Leadfoot,
Our poster isn't talking about a few pictures, but many many pictures.

I'm an elder woman with no present male lover (snort, oh, if) but in any case, my hallway wall would be the same, modified - it is packed with photos of my family and some of my painting photos and all of my dogs in life photos, and dogs in italy photos, and my pencil drawing of my ex husband decades ago, and photos of italy and photos of us in italy.

That is not what the guy is doing, he's got a shrine there.
That is a problem.

Oddly, no one has ever seemed to even look at these photos on visiting me.
Odd, relative to my experience in California, south or north, people were interested in this stuff. We looked at stuff on walls.
Lack of curiosity here. There may be reasons for that, having nothing to do with me, but a surprise to me. I was surprised when Dys and Diane didn't want to see my photos at all..... albums, I have albums, at the least.

What makes sense of that is that Dys, a very good photographer, had his photos decimated, ex wife if I remember. And Diane doesn't want photos of herself, mostly, though she has beauty.

I see I am way off topic, but maybe not. Caring about photos can be a deep subject, especially for a widower.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Mar, 2016 06:43 pm
@ossobuco,
Ah, I edited relatives to family and the word friends got left out, yes, there are friend photos on my walls.
0 Replies
 
roger
 
  2  
Reply Mon 14 Mar, 2016 06:46 pm
@Leadfoot,
I'm not a girl, and I will continue to disagree. Our OP is seriously bothered by these mementos and is contemplating moving in with this person. There is no reason I can think of to be a living part of someone else's museum.

This is in no way pathetic.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Mar, 2016 06:56 pm
@ossobuco,
Just remembered, one of my photos was featured in the LA Times travel section, way back when. eh! Not to brag, but remarking on people's interests.

Maybe there is some intermediate thing, a way to still keep all that near to his heart, but in a less out-there format.
Still, I'm chary on his interest to move on.
0 Replies
 
Leadfoot
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Mar, 2016 07:00 pm
My widow and her husband were world class hikers, did the triple crown in US, the Camino in Spain, Portugal, and a dozen others I've never heard of. The walls of her home are like a giant travel log of their lives together. Our photos together are just added to where those left off. Far from bothering me, I'm flattered.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Mon 14 Mar, 2016 07:20 pm
@Leadfoot,
Nods.
0 Replies
 
frankies owner
 
  1  
Reply Tue 15 Mar, 2016 04:07 am
@roger,
if there were one or 2 around I wouldn't mind in the least but even outside he has a plaque called "______'s garden". He assures me that it will be now our house but this is just a little over the top for me...She died of cancer so his grieving started way before she died.My husband had a massive heart attack...i had no time to prepare....

What I also need to tell you is I am picking up my entire life and moving to in with him to another state.....We do love each other very much....But I don't want "my home" shared with the dead....I am going for a long weekend during Easter hopefully I can get this situated. Thank you for all the input!








PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Tue 15 Mar, 2016 07:27 am
You don't say how long ago each of you lost your spouses. Maybe he's just not ready.

But try re-doing the bedroom together. NEW Paint, linens, even furniture if you can afford it.

Perhaps there's another room where he can have his tribute to those past years. A spare room can be set up with pics on the dresser, etc.

If this man is that involved with you and has invited you to live with him, there needs to be a time and place for the past. And it's not all around the house and certainly not in the bedroom.

He needs to make you prominent, IMHO.

(I have been a widow for 7 years)

ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 15 Mar, 2016 08:24 am
@frankies owner,
Has he gone for counselling to help him with the process?

Is he open to going to couples counselling with you to prepare to become a new couple?

I'd suggest not staying with him when you visit - til this is sorted out.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 15 Mar, 2016 08:36 am
@PUNKEY,
Yes she did, in answer to my question above -
since 2010.
engineer
 
  3  
Reply Tue 15 Mar, 2016 08:37 am
@frankies owner,
Have you had this discussion with him? "I know you want me to move in, but looking around here, I feel like you still in mourning." Then he can discuss it with you or not. My guess is there is a lot of inertia. He had this up year one and never bothered to redecorate (plus it probably didn't feel right to put something up then say "well, it's been two years, time to take it down like the Christmas decorations."). My father had the same situation with a lady friend. After counseling, she made a conscious effort to "make room" in her home for someone else.
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Tue 15 Mar, 2016 08:41 am
@ossobuco,
2010
ossobuco
 
  2  
Reply Tue 15 Mar, 2016 08:43 am
@ehBeth,
hah! thanks, fixed it.
0 Replies
 
frankies owner
 
  1  
Reply Tue 15 Mar, 2016 09:33 am
@engineer,
We did have a discussion of sorts back in late fall 2015..He said he was prepared to make changes.....And he did to the bedroom....Everything else is still around...I think that it will all work out...At least that is my hope.....I just want us to have a 100% relationship with each other.Time will tell I guess
0 Replies
 
 

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