Count of Banterbury's journal

Hmmm... another thoughts going through my mind...

Not so long ago I was in belief love and relationships are going through everybody, I am just one unlucky or inadequate bastard.

But ever since I got rid of this fear I am starting to look around and see how others people see it. Well starting on relationship forums, it's just full of bitter and disappointed people. Maybe because my general assumptions these places are for such people who have a need to be heard. But than, talking to some of my friends and similar reactions "it's so messed up today, I had a girl but had other priorities, I just don't have time and patience...:". Several articles in local newspapers "Tinder is creating environment of unpersonalized relationships" "Is western society going to Scandinavian model of random hookups", "men and women don't need each other any more", "single males/females seeking to start family by adoption/assisted fertilization"...

Looks like people are stopping to believe in love any more. They just have negative experience and stay very pragmatic - well, it seems this is not working out for me, so I am staying out of this...

Not to mention current trend with some people "children are bullshit". Sometimes there are so many people who need to be heard how they detest parenthood. I tried to find out their motives, I think it's pretty clear: bitterness and bad experience. Again.

And here I thought I distrusted humanity and hated the modern age. Im a puppy compared to those quotes!

so, the Readhead conclusion:

a) I would say 30% chance of drama queen, probably struggling hard to maintain any friendship/relationship
b) and 70% of some phisher, probably some short, fat university chick with coo-coo in her head latently desiring living a life of tall, beautiful men's dream stealing identity of someone who found pics on internet and created a life story to it.


In any case, even idea of her gives me creep and I promise myself this is the last time I am mentioning her. Case closed.

Actually, that is one last remark I must make because it hurt me pretty badly. The only thing that hurt me. I one of last mails when she jumped at me I told her something like "...I can promise you my unconditioned friendship"(or did I use "swear"?) and her response was ridiculing, something like "lol, I don't need your unconditioned friendship" which was... awful. Probably the worst thing this witch told me. As is friendship is something that comes so easy.

I was a big fool and I deserve it. I told it to someone I did not know. Friendship is OK, anyone can have in as long as he don't break the trust but unconditioned friendship, that's like telling someone I love you. "Lol, **** off"... a very messes up answer from very messed up person.


True friendship is just like love. Very precious and very fragile. Do not offer it so easily.

Fear of commitment:

I just realized I am afraid of - not sure how to name it correctly - things going with relationship. On the one hand I sure would like to spent time with girls I like, on the other hand I get quickly fed up of it and I am not sure how they see it. I don't want to loose them just because I did not pay they enough attention and so they did find priorities elsewhere but at the same time I don't want to do it out of duty. It's probably because I am used to being single and it will take some time to get use to it. Probably. Another quicker option would be to find somebody more similar minded that I feel tighter bond with (some sort of that Readhead, just 1000% more sane) and it will naturally make me return to her without forcing myself.

I am afraid girls will find better guys and leave me. If they do, I won't be able to blame them for that, though.

Huh, I wish I was teenager or early 20's again and felt deep need of being with somebody again.


Note to myself: this A2K formatting is just atrocious. Each time I will make next diary entry I will give it a headline so I can easily navigate through it.

Oddly enough my temples are throbbing, I'm on the verge of a hellacious migraine. How strange.

I will assume I am talking to a representative of older generation and that comment was supposed to express feeling of confusion.

Funny, when I read threads posted by people with this demographic characteristics I have the same impression.

How to "listen" to women???

I have been several times accused by different women I am not not listening to them. So I did the worst possible option: I rationally explained and stated arguments based on logic that I do listen to them and why I did not get their point. Obvious reaction was blaming me for starting an argue of course . It's odd, I have not encountered this problem before with male friends. How to make argueless conversation and at the same time make sure I will not to misinterpret or forget anything that have been told me in last several weeks???

I'm sure you are better at communicating with men, men normally don't try to establish best friend exclusive relationship with other men, so it's more relaxed and not a do or die deal. You sound like you trying to force an instant rapport with women and are probably coming off as needy.

Even when I was your age, needy was very unattractive. The very idea that would argue that you do listen to women even after a woman told you she didn't think you listen, is the hallmark of person who is too shallow to be in an adult friendship or relationship. I don't think you are needy, but you are trying too hard and when you fail, you blame the women and then complain you are inadequate. Most people (men and women) don't see a hopeless angry person as a promising new friend or someone they will fall in love for eternity.

Personally, I like people who are enjoyable. That applies to family, co-workers, neighbors, wives, husbands and folks in my friendship circles. Think about this, do you want to spend time with people who are enjoyable or do you want the joy sucked out of you while listening to a friend angrily complaining about how bad his life is.

It's up to you

first at all, I don't think you quite got my post. Note my nick - Count of Banterbury (yeah, I know it should be Archbishop of Banterbury, but that is too long for a nickname) so I was rather joking, no actual argue took place. I jokingly mentioned that there is a slight difference between interpretation of data between men and women. Maybe it's actually them who is needy (or better to say - insecure). If I say smt. and she instantly forgets it, I have no problem to repeat. If I do it, they seem to be upset sometimes. You will probably agree that nothing upsets girls more when trying to nag than using logical argumentation. We both know why. I used it as teasing and naturally, worked perfectly


You are absolutely right about enjoyable outgoing personality. I am not quite sure where I created the idea of opposite... maybe because of that misinterpreted joke... but yes, I am trying my best to be backlaid and fun to with. Sometimes successfully, sometimes not so much.

I am 27 btw. I am too busy/distracted to be needy...

a new Readhead enounter!

Crap, I think I am starting to create a weak spot for readheds . Today I was randomly browsing user's list and found one... very beautiful girl. Godly body ( ) , beautiful face, studies 2 universities at same time (one is engineering), likes sports (and clearly does it well, looking at her figure ) and even plays PC games! I was really surprised she responded to my message. I do not expect her to carry on much with this conversation... she is top and I am only rather average... but I guess as a fried I will have a chance to keep her attention for a while. Maybe.

And yes, glitterbag , I might be a bit needy here, maybe. I will give this type of person attention and compliments and stuff even if she won't repeat it back and I will do it unconditionally. I think mature person will call it courtesy, immature needyness. Therefore it will be up to her to decide whether she likes it or not.

TOP SEXY READHEAD REPLIED ME BAAAACK!

I really need to get in shape though. I can't talk to this level of gene perfection and grow a beer belly at the same time.

Which reminds me finally I maybe have good reason to train. I used to train to release stress, forget pain or relieve anger. Nothing applies to me any more so I lack discipline somehow. I think chances to score some real beauty might and will be worthy.

Hmm... this nigh I had funny dream. I met with one... ex or whatever she was and I was happy I see her. I hugged her, told her I missed her and than I started crying. I felt silly but I could not suppress it. Rest of the night I had several dreams of her again, but all hanky-panky

I take it as omen. Damn, I could have sex tomorrow if I wanted to. With a virgin. She is asking me for it. Yet I don't even feel for talking to her, let alone visiting her. She is nice, pretty and cute, but she is not dating material, not my peer. I don't have deeper feeling for her nor I think I will create some.

I think the case is clear. I know what I miss.

But I must not be a hypocrite. Look IS important factor for me and I cannot ask for something and not being able to offer the same. I must fix my sleeping problem first. The only way I can fall asleep is with a few beers before bed. There goes all my training effort... all useless. I must visit a doctor and get some sleeping pills. Than there is a chance I can turn into human again.

So... 5 months of work. Flush down the toilet. And most likely, I will not see any money from it and if, some tiny change. I feel rather upset, even depressed. Maybe the best thing to do will be list things I can do better:

- First and most: if I look back into some big long-term failure biggest mistake I find in lack of thorough and assertive communication. I let the guy play on his own rules despite he was very bad at setting it. I suggested tens of models and he judged it from position of... scientist? That does not even make sense. No wonder we never concluded anything.

Next time: Suggest clear and brief model, even fool will understand instantly. If boy disagree, as what precisely. If criticism won't leave clear mutual understanding, make it his turn!

- Being business guy simply sucks. Regardless of how much work I do, I'll always be the guy who cares of real value which is not in my hands, but hands of it's developer - tech guy. Even scientist. If actual freakin company takes, place, 50-50 sharing is a MUST!

- Lastly, was I over ambitious? From pragmatic point of view: no. If things went the way I want them I am long building building my project. But did not because of point 1. Actually I enjoyed sector and was happy working over it!


Last question: Is biotech for me? I must analyze it most, but cons: requires deep comprehension, populated often by "meh" top notch titled specialist and above all, I see minimum real startups and mostly only research teams and corporation. Does not seem like a place for random wanderer from some Slavic shithole. I will talk to people and see if they take me as their equal. If not, maybe no-go..?

Uh. It really pisses me off when women are so picky and judgmental. I wonder if I were half like this if I ever talked to any of them. Probably not, most likely I would end up platonically pursuing somebody who will never notice me. Luckily for them, men will always notice women, even those with annoying features since they need sex and sometimes don't really care with whom, as long as is pretty and keeps mouth shut. On the other hand, they can talk themselves into belief that he is not only after sex. Good system.

sadly, does not work for average Joe as me.

"Hmm... this nigh I had funny dream. I met with one... ex or whatever she was and I was happy I see her. I hugged her, told her I missed her and than I started crying. I felt silly but I could not suppress it. Rest of the night I had several dreams of her again, but all hanky-panky Smile

I take it as omen. "

Ha!

Good thing I am making these notes.

Nah, no omen. Simply a first stage of frustration, that is all. I started to workout and romantic desires come first. Now I am in second I guess - pragmatism and irritation. If memory serves me well, third will be closing into myself and denial.

In last a few months, I must say I put quite some effort into socializing. As always (for some reasons) zero result. So, the good thing is, whether it is stage 1 or 3 it does not matter, nothing will really change. So I am not missing nor spoiling anything.


I told myself I will get back to dating only once I get my shape back. I still look like ****. Joke's on you, Count! Now, get my lazy arse to the gym!

hmm... I think I am starting to get mentality of these locals. It does not matter what kind of person you are or what is your attitude, it's important what you have.

Fair-play good hearted army woman is dork for letting her husband make a fool of her while trying to save marriage and re-establish loving life she once had.

24 y.o. - 3 kids - husband with vasectomy - pathologically cheating filthy bitch has "personality issues and need to prepare for a new way of life".

This reminds me The Pickup Artist forum I once was on. No matter how no-moral no-empathy empty piece of garbage user was, as long as he "got the pussy" he was all hero. It will be the same here - regardless how messed up you are, as long as you have smt. that these junkies around value (like husband, kids and balls to cheat obsessively while not getting caught) you are a worthy person in their eyes.

Different junkyard, same garbage.

er... I am tired of this moodiness. Half of the time normal, half irritated or even depressed. Need sex. There is not a chance even to maintain a (starting) relationship without it, let alone create one.

It fucks me up being an average joe. This is the biggest problem. Nah, it takes way too many energy to "talk in" anybody from the position I am in. First thing is getting ripped off. Without it, all is waste a time. Fun talk at best.

Which is good, because the only person I can blame like this is myself.

...what am I doing wrong? Fok, I wish I knew the answer... It is not difficult to get woman for a talk... sometimes even quite pretty woman. Provided there is something to talk about of course. So, this goal quite... reached. But talking doesn't empty anyone's balls... I don't know... I know only guess. But guessing is always bullshit, answer is usually somewhere completely else.

So, the logical conclusion would be trying more, experiencing. Problem is, in days like these the only face I want to see is that I can punch hard. Talking to any woman would be not only impossible, but counterproductive. All I can do is wait until mood fades.


I wonder is other people have this kind of problem too. Funny, never heard of anyone. But then, who would be talking about being frustrated as f*ck?