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Advice - Husband doesn't think foreplay is important.

 
 
Reply Mon 29 Feb, 2016 11:19 pm
Hello so I am 24 and my husband is 30. I got married at 22 and he got married to me at 29. I have never had a sexual partner before him. When I go married, I was so excited about sex and all the possibilities. I was always horny but I was saving sex for after marriage. I am not selfish in bed and love to please my husband. I started off doing whatever he wanted and barely focused on myself. I love to buy new lingerie and dress up for him. When I learned what felt good for me, and asked for foreplay he would do it for a few minutes and then begin intercourse. I can tell he doesn't enjoy foreplay, but does it for me for a bit. He has never given me oral as he thinks it is disgusting, while I have gone down on him many times. I understand his frustrations during my period. I never say no to sex, but lately I find I really don't enjoy sex and he's noticed. He just initiats intercourse without so much as a kiss, and I've always let him. I let him take control of the position he wants and if it hurts I gently let him know, but he continues on anyway (albeit slower). I've woken up several times to finding my panties down and him entering me. Lately when I ask for more foreplay or kissing, he gets upset and says that foreplay turns him off. Since he's older, he claims he has certain issues and does not want blue balls. I feel so guilty but it's not fair that sex is always about him and never about me. He has never once made it only about me. I've told him that and he says he's tried and its still not enough and he can't spend 15 minutes on foreplay as that's way too much. I just don't know what to do. He tells me to watch porn to turn myself on, but I find porn to be disgusting - it doesn't turn me on, he does. He thinks I don't find him attractive but that's not the case at all. He just doesn't know how to please me, even if I tell him exactly what I like. He tells me to shut up if I try to talk sexy to him when we're about to have sex, he likes it quiet. I just don't know what to do and it's really breaking up my marriage. I have never had an orgasm, although I and know what turns me on and I have the potential if he did exactly what I wanted. I would hate to just pretend like I'm enjoying it when I'm really not, but I feel like soon that's the best option to keep him happy. Sad
 
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Tue 1 Mar, 2016 09:28 am
@Unpleasedwife,
Okay, this is bad.

He's entering you while you're asleep? You know, when you haven't been anywhere near consenting?

Why not start with a doctor - he seems to ignore your pleas, so would he maybe listen to someone who he feels has some authority? And maybe that doctor could clear up his blue balls excuse, too. I am suggesting this because the alternatives, as we go along, become more and more unpleasant.

Question: does he do anything for you outside of the bedroom? Is it a pattern of selfish behavior, a thread running throughout your marriage?
maxdancona
 
  2  
Reply Tue 1 Mar, 2016 09:45 am
@Unpleasedwife,
You basically have two choices. You either put up with it. Or you leave.

My advice is that if marriage isn't working for you, it is better to leave sooner rather than later. You do have the right to be in a relationship that is equal and where your needs are being met.

There is a third choice (which I would actually recommend trying) which is that you tell him very clearly that you are unhappy and that if things don't change you are going to leave. If this were me, I might insist that he join me for marriage counseling.

But this third choice doesn't often work. People are who they are and it is very rare for someone to significantly change in a relationship. You need to accept the possibility that this marriage may never work for you. The sooner you accept this and move on, the better.

Ask any divorced person... most of us will tell you that we should have left sooner.


Unpleasedwife
 
  1  
Reply Tue 1 Mar, 2016 05:29 pm
@jespah,
Hello @jespah! Thank you for your response! I wasn't sure how popular this forum is and am grateful for some advice. To be honest, this is our biggest problem. We both have full time jobs but he is the one who pays all the bills. Our interests slightly differ (he loves sports and I love anything girly) and our life views also slight differ. He grew up in the 80s and I grew up in the 90s, so I don't relate much to his past. But he knows how to make me smile. He moved to my state for me, he moved for me. He left his old job and found a new job here, to be with me. He left all his friends and has barely made any new friends here. He does spend time at the gym, but most of his time is all for me. I feel like I'm the only person he has, which means a lot to me. Our views on romantic gestures vary greatly, he hates PDA. He will not hold my hand in public and thinks I'm very immature for wanting to. But I think we have a healthy relationship, he takes me out. We do things together. I cook for him, make him dinner. I do almost all the chores around the house, even though we both work full time- which I've gotten use to . But he does get irritated easily at things I do, and sometimes tells me like he feels like I'm a bit too young for him. But we have worked through most of that. Something else he is very adamant about is that he wants to see me gain weight. He is ready for kids! (I am not!) but he wants me to gain weight because he thinks it will be easier for pregnancy. I'm not thinking about pregnancy at all, as that is far off thoughts but I'm trying to gain weight to make him happy. I have even spoken to a doctor about it, and she told me that gaining weight would not change the difficulty of my pregnancy, but my husband doesn't believe her. So I stuff myself to make him happy. I eat normally but I am very small and petite (and I love my body!) but I have a super fast metabolism and its genetic in my family. Anyway I have been literally stuffing myself to the point where my stomach can't hold all the food I've eaten, but I can't seem to keep any of the weight. But he comments about it every single time we eat. So at least I'm trying my best there.

Anyway I can go on and on, the doctor idea does sound good. But he didn't believe the last doctor who told us that gaining weight won't change the difficulty of a pregnancy. So I'm not sure. Maybe setting an appointment with the right kind of doctor who is in the right field could be worth a shot. I appreciate the advice!
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Tue 1 Mar, 2016 05:35 pm
@Unpleasedwife,
Hey, it's worth a shot.

In the end, though, do for yourself what you need to do. Smile
0 Replies
 
Unpleasedwife
 
  1  
Reply Tue 1 Mar, 2016 05:38 pm
@maxdancona,
Hello @maxdancona, thank you for your response! I appreciate it. I really do care about him a lot. He is not my first love where I was so blindly attached but he does mean a lot to me. He can be open to change if it's brought around in the right way. I would love to try marriage counseling. That's never something I've considered for our marriage to great depths but I think it might actually help to speak about all of this from both of our sides to an open third party. It is nice to hear someone else say that it's important for both of our needs to be met, which is something I can definitely bring up in our next conversation. I also understand that divorce may be an option, I appreciate you opening up to me about this. I just wouldn't like it to resort to that. But thank you for the advice, I think marriage counseling is in order!
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 1 Mar, 2016 05:46 pm
@Unpleasedwife,
I feel a lot of uh oh's here. You don't owe him loss of who you are because he moved to be with you. Be careful what you ask for. Changing you body to chub you up while that is not your natural metabolism? That could screw you up for a long time.

Slave labor will start to annoy you after a while, especially when you are bearing and raising all the kids.

He sounds quite old world in a way I'd call, not meaning to be mean, but what I think - old world as in the dark ages. If you get thrills from all that, ok. The you he moved for may have less to do with who you are than what he wants to make you.

Edit - good to get counselling, if he will consider going. I bet he won't. But, but maybe, and even maybe would be a good idea to help clarify things for both of you.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 1 Mar, 2016 07:02 pm
@ossobuco,
I have to add to this.
Personally, I wouldn't be in your situation since I'd already be gone and I wouldn't bother with counseling - that's me. Maybe it will help you.

Are you on any birth control method? You are trying to get pregnant? Again, be careful what you ask for, life can be long.
0 Replies
 
 

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