Should I stay or should I go?

Reply Sun 28 Feb, 2016 04:05 pm
I have been married to my husband for two years and together for six. We have two wonderful children, 6 and 2.

Recently, I have found myself at a crossroad. Until now, I’ve always thought my husband was perfect, I had flaws and I was lucky he accepted me how I was. I admire him. He’s smart, sociable, a very hard worker and has a lovely nature. However, the crossroad has brought me to begin to believe that perhaps I am being short changed? Perhaps he doesn’t love me as much as I had once thought?

His good qualities are he is an AMAZING father, he’s always supported my regular new career ideas, he cleans the house, he compliments me regularly, he works hard for our family and he’s allowed me to have a healthy social life.

The downside is for the last 6 years; our sex life has been non-existence. I have tried every and been in every state - from calm communication, offering understanding to in complete tears asking why I am not enough. His excuses vary from tiredness to sickness to too much pressure. In the end I just gave up and accepted this.
In the last month, he has started his effort again but this only came once I seriously threatened divorce. Now, we have been intimate a few times but he rarely will finish and stop halfway again from tiredness, sickness or heat. I’m not sure if this is normal?

The other issues I have found is he has stopped caring if I am upset. I’ve woken in the night from bad sleep paralysis and he has been angry with me for waking him to tell him that I was terrified from this. Now when I am upset about things, he is not very comforting but gets annoyed at me instead.

He doesn’t do anything romantic for me. He really doesn’t like effort. We didn’t do anything for our Wedding Anniversary. He hasn’t done anything for me on my birthdays or any occasions. He will get me a gift for these occasions but again, with little effort involved. He will never plan anything. For him, I have arranged surprised parties (flying over his best friend), dinners at restaurants that he wouldn’t usually go to and always tried to get him presents he will love.

He constantly runs my family down, which in his defense are odd and intense. But he’s even sometimes rude to them. My parents come to stay each Christmas (for 2 weeks) and he hates it. He gets mad at me saying that I put them before him because I allow them to stay for ‘his holidays’. My dad has been battling Cancer and I do not have it in my heart to tell him he can’t come when I know how much he looks forward to it. On the contrary he builds his family up and has said to me on occasions “I don’t know if it’s just that my family are that amazing or if your family are that ****”. It hurts and he knows it. His family is better, they’re a lot more onto it and they are better with the kids. But it still doesn’t feel nice.

His boss often stays with us when we are in town and uses our children’s bed (they then sleep with us). He knows I don’t particularly like his boss because he doesn’t bother to talk to me at all in the house, but I am always pleasant, I don’t complain about him staying like he does my family at Xmas. I know my husband admires his boss immensely, so when he’s staying with us, I often will go to a different room to give them space and time.

When I tell him how I feel (and I usually do this calmly and reasonably) he takes it as a full attack and turns it around to me being demanding, needy and I end up feeling like it’s my fault and he’s right.

But as I have said, he’s full of compliments. He often tells me he loves me and I’m beautiful. He will make my favourite foods occasionally and clean the house. All is well with us, as long as I don’t complain.

I am not a demanding person and I don’t expect a lot. I just want to feel valued and loved.

We have recently discussed this deeply and he has said that he is going to make the effort and to give him another chance. The issue is now, I don’t know if I love him anymore? Apart of me wants to leave but I’m worried about hurting my children. I don’t know what to do.

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Reply Sun 28 Feb, 2016 04:15 pm
Talk to a professional counsellor.


Do you live in a community without hotels/motels? seems odd to have an employer staying in your home. It also might make family visits easier if they stay in a hotel when they are in town.
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Reply Mon 29 Feb, 2016 02:16 am
@ConfusedNZ I've been in a similar situation. I was married for 7 years with my ex-husband before I decided to leave.

We had twins together and my eldest child was from a previous relationship to a father who at the time, was the last man I wanted in my life [ we will get to that ] In a very similar fashion, my ex-husband was a great parent, he provided for us, and we had a life that most women would probably dream of [ beautiful home, yacht, a lot of travelling ] - But the way he perceived me over the years deteriorated, and so did our love and connection. We did go to counseling which worked for a very short period of time 'til he was back to his old ways of me being non-existant and my thoughts and needs were nothing short of a insignificance to him. I found myself broken down emotionally, and as much as I regret it, I even had times where I grew closer to other man during that marriage and even had an affair feeling I was significant in at least one mans life [DON'T DO THIS, it only made things more difficult and it will never work out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]

I eventually had the courage to leave, I knew it was difficult for the children, but they were much more adaptable than I thought!!!!! I found it difficult personally to be on my own with the kids and juggling children between fathers, but I was lucky that the father of my eldest child was exceptionally supportive. In the long run, the father I had my first child with and I ended up connecting once again, and it has been nothing but pure magic! He says he never intended on us getting back together, but I know hes lying hehehehe I always knew he loved me still. I think our distance apart somehow made us come together much stronger the second time around. We've now been together for over 7 years and are extremely happy together!!!!! no big house or boats or cars can outweigh real love!!!!!

@ConfusedZN do what is in your heart hon' do not let him make you feel like this. He shapes up or ships out!!!! xox
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Reply Tue 1 Mar, 2016 05:15 am
your situation is more dangerous , never seen like this before
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Reply Tue 1 Mar, 2016 05:36 am
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Count of Banterbury
Reply Tue 1 Mar, 2016 08:01 am
yes, as spoken before, the situation you are describing sounds very serious and complicated. Even the most well-intentional advice could turn out with devastating effect. People here are just random people from internet that don't know you and therefore can't give you hint in this case. talk to a very good specialists, not only your life, but also lives of 2 innocent children are at stake. That bugs me most about the topic...
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Count of Banterbury
Reply Tue 1 Mar, 2016 08:20 am
well, on second thought: what you are describing here sounds like model case of "I found somebody else". Observe his action...
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