Serious problems

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Is divorce really the answer?

My husband was a nice guy I thought would provide a secure life for me and my son. We met 8 months after I left my abusive, cheating ex-husband. He gave me the space I needed when I said I needed it and was just a patient guy. We've been together for 7 years now (dating/engaged 3 years, married 4). We have a 2 year old child together in addition to my nearly 9 year old son.

He has physically abused my son, the authorities are now involved and we have all been assigned therapy. He's been unemployed most of our marriage. Currently our health insurance is provided by the state and his parents have been paying our mortgage for a year. He lost his job a few months after we married, and again a couple months after I quit my job in finance to stay home with our now 2 year old.

The thought of two divorces is truely upsetting. I never wanted this for my life. The assessment done on my husband said he's very likely to repeat the abuse and divorce was recommended. He's on 2 years probation and the psychiatrist said that if it happens again I would lose custody of the kids. I can't even believe this is happening.

I am making a plan, like getting a real estate license. My car will be paid off in October. But is this really it? Can't therapy help?

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Kristine, Yes, divorce is the answer in this case...and no, in my opinion, therapy should not save this relationship. Be done with him and move on. I think Phoenix, or some other a2ker on here, has a wonderful story about going through rough times and finally ending up with the right mate. Can't recall the thread... The "Sweethearts" thread also comes to mind though...read it! That's an example of what love is. Divorce is nothing to be ashamed of! Especially since you are protecting your children...and yourself.

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I'm sorry, I think it's "Eva" who had an inspiring story describing her experiences, and it's on Diana78's thread. Oh and I also meant to say...Take care, and best wishes. Now I'm going to sit back and watch the posts come in...you're going to get a lot of great advice on this one from caring people, K.

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I think you already covered most of it, PamO. There is no shame in getting a divorce when it is the best thing for you and your children -- far more shame staying in it, I'd say, knowing what you know.

I know that's easier said than done -- good luck to you.

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re
My husband was a nice guy I thought would provide a secure life for me and my son.

I'm no relationship expert or anything but is this a good reason to marry someone?

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Re: Serious problems

Kristine wrote:

Is divorce really the answer?

My husband was a nice guy I thought would provide a secure life for me and my son. We met 8 months after I left my abusive, cheating ex-husband. He gave me the space I needed when I said I needed it and was just a patient guy. We've been together for 7 years now (dating/engaged 3 years, married 4). We have a 2 year old child together in addition to my nearly 9 year old son.

He has physically abused my son, the authorities are now involved and we have all been assigned therapy. He's been unemployed most of our marriage. Currently our health insurance is provided by the state and his parents have been paying our mortgage for a year. He lost his job a few months after we married, and again a couple months after I quit my job in finance to stay home with our now 2 year old.

The thought of two divorces is truely upsetting. I never wanted this for my life. The assessment done on my husband said he's very likely to repeat the abuse and divorce was recommended. He's on 2 years probation and the psychiatrist said that if it happens again I would lose custody of the kids. I can't even believe this is happening.

I am making a plan, like getting a real estate license. My car will be paid off in October. But is this really it? Can't therapy help?

Best of luck, Kristine. It'll be hard, it'll be scary, but you'll find you have strength you didn't know you had to do what you need to do. There is one thing not yet addressed, and I may be off base here, but, do you have backup support? Income from realty dealings is commission based, and that means you'll be living in a feast or famine situation. I am worried that you need a backup plan in place for this frontline plan...

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I think this is "really it" but I also think you should seek therapy for yourself to help discover what draws you to men like this and to cope with the divorce and all that will come with being a sinle mom. It will be tough but I think you can do it.

Please forget the notion that a woman needs a man to raise her children. The whole "mom and dad" thing is overrated. What kids need is not a "mom and a dad" but loving people to support them in every way, whether it be a mom and dad, two moms / dads or grandparents and other realitives constantly in their lives. I think you should consider taking care of your kids yourself and not worry about finding someone to raise them. Not only is it confusing for your son (2 daddies in the 9 short years of his life, with the possibilty of 3) but it is obviously damaging.

Best of luck with whatever you decide. I hope it all works out for you. Everyone deserves a good life and to be happy.

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Since the experts have been saying that he's likely to repeat the pattern of abuse, I don't mean to sound unfeeling, but what are you waiting for? If he repeats the pattern, what happens if he permanently injures your older son? Or hurts the baby? Or breaks your neck?

Don't dismiss these as possibilities. There is a precedent; he has done this before. And, Social Services is involved. Essentially, what they are telling you is, if you want to be a victim, if you choose to be a victim, you may do so but if you do so, you will no longer have your kids. Is this what you want for your life? Don't you think you deserve to be a loving mother to your children, rather than a scared woman constantly waiting for the back of his hand to come down on you?

Since your economic situation will probably not be the best, contact your parents, your syblings, your friends, anyone who can help you. If there is no one, or if they cannot help you because of financial or health issues of your own, contact your local woman's shelter and go there. Just pack your and your kids' things and go.

Your husband will very likely have to pay child support and possibly maintenance for you for a while, if you get a divorce. But if you don't get a divorce, then there is no court order, and he goes scot free while you and your children potentially starve.

I'm sorry. I suppose I'm not a very nice person. But the bottom line is, this is about survival - yours and your kids'. So you get a second divorce. Big deal. Isn't it worth it to do that so that you can have a better life? I know you don't want a second divorce, but that's really the only option here. Best of luck to you.

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I do get childsupport from my son's dad, it's not a lot but it's something. I'm also good about saving and skimping when needed.

Diana78. No it's not a good reason to marry someone. I thought I could grow to love him, well I now realize you do or you don't. He had qualities I admired, I cared about him, but no I didn't love him.

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2cents
The only shame of divorce is not filing for it to protect you and the children.

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jespah wrote:

Don't dismiss these as possibilities. There is a precedent; he has done this before. And, Social Services is involved. Essentially, what they are telling you is, if you want to be a victim, if you choose to be a victim, you may do so but if you do so, you will no longer have your kids. Is this what you want for your life? Don't you think you deserve to be a loving mother to your children, rather than a scared woman constantly waiting for the back of his hand to come down on you?

Jespah,
My husband hasn't never hit me, nor do I fear him. Social services recommended family therapy. The court ordered psychiatrict evaluation done is where the likelihood of repeat offense and divorce recommendation came from. That same guy (psychiatrist) also swayed various things I said to make my husband look worse. For example I said my son and husband argue, he said my husband verbally abuses my son which isn't true. That is another reason I don't know what to believe. I mean some of what he said about him is true (like he wasn't being completely open) but other things are way off.

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Kristine wrote:

I do get childsupport from my son's dad, it's not a lot but it's something. I'm also good about saving and skimping when needed.

Diana78. No it's not a good reason to marry someone. I thought I could grow to love him, well I now realize you do or you don't. He had qualities I admired, I cared about him, but no I didn't love him.

Can you pay your rent/mortgage off your child support check from xh#1? I'm just guessing that xh#2 won't be so reliable about income, so therefore, no c/s. My xh#2 has set up his lifestyle so he changes jobs about the time the c/s people catch up to him, so I have gotten the sum total of $99.33 for 3 kids over the past year. Yeah, that's right: $99.33. Not even $50/month/child like they quote you... Rolling Eyes

I'm going on record agreeing w/these wise women here on a2k: get out sooner rather than later. Your older child will hold any delays that harm him against you, and all delays are harmful, darlin'. So, like the others said, call the women's shelters, call the Salvation Army. Find out if there are any sympathetic churches in your area, ask your family, use all resources available and get out. Go through your papers now and find the pertinent ones: birth certificates, social security cards, income tax statements, any financial and/or legal documents. Take the originals if you can, take copies if you can't get the originals. Figure out what furniture and personal items you need to be comfortable, leave the ones which will be burdonsome. Best of luck!

May I suggest some reading material? Value in the Valley, by Iyanla Vanzant, and In the Meantime, also by her, helped me when I needed encouragement and personal insight into how to leave a bad situation. It'll probably seem just horrible for a long time (like through the whole divorce process.) But eventually, it lightens up. I've been divorced just over 2 years now, and no longer feel that constant anxiety that people are watching me and going to screw w/my life (like xh taking me into court for bs which necessitated me paying a lawyer and falling behind on the bills again.) I mean, he still plays his little games on us, but they don't set me off so that I feel utter despair any more. I have some wriggle room, now (not much, but some.) It'll get better for you, too.

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The man has hit your son. The rest of it is window dressing, isn't it? Does it really matter, the semantics of it all. He has hit your son. Are you going to give him another chance to do so?

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PS princess, there's nothing like info from someone who's been there. Excellent post, my friend.

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Kristie wrote:

Please forget the notion that a woman needs a man to raise her children. The whole "mom and dad" thing is overrated. What kids need is not a "mom and a dad" but loving people to support them in every way, whether it be a mom and dad, two moms / dads or grandparents and other realitives constantly in their lives.

Kristie - what you said here really helps. Thanks.

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Re: Serious problems

Kristine wrote:

He has physically abused my son, the authorities are now involved and we have all been assigned therapy.

So, what did he do that got social services involved? They don't just pick every 10th family down a block to harrass, you know... something must've been reported by someone... I understand that sometimes they make mountains out of molehills, but there has to be some smoke there in order for them to investigate, kwim?

Also, I have another thought: something to consider: use their system. They may have rent subsidies available if you leave your husband, they may offer free legal help. They may have deposit money for utilities... Talk to the caseworker involved and see what they might offer you to leave the man they describe as abusive to yoru child...

I understand that you love him, but if he's not good for your child/ren, you are better off without him. Then, there is the problem of him not working and letting his parents support you all. I'm sorry, but that is not right. You've married a slacker. A slacker who has drawn the attention of social services to your family. You need to take some action to remedy this before it escalates into worse harm to you all. Divorce will give you the wriggle room. If he wants to make things work, he can use the time it takes to get divorced to get a job and pay your bills. He can go into therapy. He can improve himself and earn back your respect. If he doesn't, then at least you can get on with your life and provide the best you can for your kids without his weight dragging you down.

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The incident(s):
My husband kicked my son in the back. The school reported it. My son went to the nurses office complaining his back hurt and there was a bruise.

They say my husband also punched him in the nose, but my son and husband both say that didn't happen My son may have said that initially and now says otherwise (I did ask him when my husband wasn't home). I don't know. He says he never said that, but the police say it happened.

Either way I already know what I need to do, I just needed a little push.

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Good luck, we'll all be waiting for the good word.

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Which would you prefer being a twice-divorced woman or a mom that had her children taken away by the state? When I first read this I thought, yes perhaps therapy could help, but after reading that a psychiatric assessment determined he is very likely to repeat abuse AND that you could potentially lose custody of your children - I thought No Way.

I admire you wanting to save your marriage and not wanting the easy way out by divorcing, but in this case, I feel the safety of your children outweighs your marriage obligations and vows. In this case being a little upset about having two divorces is minor compared to your son being abused.

I think you tried to do the right thing in marrying him, unfortunately you had to find out the hard way that he wasn't so nice. He must have some serious issues for a psychiatrist to diagnose him as such. If it makes you feel any better, I do not think you did anything wrong. Apparently you dated him for a while and were engaged to him for a long enough time that you never saw this side of him. How were you to know that he would be abusive? The best thing as hard as it is; is to leave him, attend therapy with your children, get that license you are working so hard to get and have a safe and happy life with your children.

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leave him, please
Hi there:

Everyone who responded agrees that you should leave your husband and divorce him.

Even if you think you have the choice to stay; you don't.

Your husband doesn't like your child--your husband doesn't respect your child as an individual. He torments your child (probably with unreasonable demands and expectations), he picks fights with your child, and verbally abuses him. You're living in the situation and maybe you can't objectively see what is going on around you--but professionals have evaluated the situation and know the danger that lurks in your home and preys upon your child on a daily basis.

The professionals are right. It's only a matter of time before your husband explodes and physically abuses your child again.

Think about it: Your husband kicked your child. It wasn't a playful kick; it was a violent, forceful kick that was fueled by rage. He kicked your child with such force that he caused physical damage, bruising, and pain to your child. He could have easily have ruptured your son's kidneys or worse--he could have killed your child.

Please, do not play Russian Roulette with your child's life. If you do, and your gamble in staying with an abusive husband doesn't pay off and your child is injured or killed, then you will end up in jail. An act of omission (failure to protect) makes you just as guilty as if you were the one inflicting the injuries.

Your nine-year-old son needs you to be strong for HIM. You are his mother and you have a DUTY to protect your child from harm. If you fail to fullfill your parental obligation--if you fail to protect your child--the state has warned that it will forcefully intrude and remove both of your children from your custody. If the state takes your children from you, you might never get them back.

You have no choice; you must leave your ex-husband and file for divorce. It won't be easy, but it can't be any more difficult than staying in the situation you are already in. No matter how difficult it may be for you--your comfort is of secondary importance. Leaving will make things a million times better for your children in the long run.

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