Confused

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Hi my name is David . I'm in a bit of a tricky situation at the moment and am unsure of which way is best to progress, Basically I'm very confused about my sexuality . I'm 35 yrs old and have a beautiful and kind girlfriend . I've dated many women in my time and had many relationships but my problem is sex. Everytime I've had a partner I've been unable to get and keep an erection. Basically I've never had proper sex with a woman despite having many relationships , I've always had to end the relationship as I don't know if I'm broken or gay . I've tried Viagra and many other pills , they slightly improve my situation but by no means make it perfect . I can masturbate on my own without issue . I have no issue giving oral to my girlfriend and that's my only option at the moment , she has occasionally just straight out asked if I'm gay , which hurt at the time and made me even more reluctant to try anything . I've suffered from depression and anxiety in the past and had a bad alcohol problem , which is on and off even now . I've had two same sex experiences in my time , I was not disgusted infant I quite enjoyed them . I watch gay porn often and enjoy it but at the same time I don't think i find men attractive , I'm just drawn to their penises . So the other day i started reading about latent homosexuality which has confused me even more now . I'm worried I will lose my girlfriend if i don't perform soon , I'm worried about going to the doctors if they tell me I'm just gay . When I think about sex with a man it gets my heart racing slightly and I never feel that way with a woman , but I've never believed I could date a man etc . I don't know if I have performance issues with sex , it makes me so sad in my heart I've never had sex and I'm the only one who knows this sad little secret . On paper I must just be gay because I should be sleeping with my partner 3-4 times a week . We've been together for a year and I've only managed intercourse slightly , I've never orgasmed in a woman . I also believe I have abused porn a lot in my time and maybe this has not helped . I'm half thinking about meeting a guy again now as my brain is searching for answers . I read something that said straight men hate the look of a penis or would never ever consider touching one , but I love the look of them , but I love my girlfriend and enjoy playing with her body . I'm not a man that enjoys shopping or grooms , I'm scruffy and go days not even looking in a mirror . I'm sorry this message is a bit of a mess but I needed to get this off my chest . Do you have any advice on how I progress . I could just carry on with my girlfriend but one day it will fail if I can't change . Many thanks for reading and I look forward to hearing any advice you have Smile

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Type: Question • Score: 2 • Views: 1,314 • Replies: 5

@daveyo,

There are lots of ways to be gay or bi. Certainly your level of interest in grooming is immaterial.

I suspect some of this is physical (e. g. issues with depression, anxiety, and alcohol are not doing your erections any favors). But some is also your own thoughts and feelings.

Go to a doctor. Worried about what they're going to say? That's just words. Seriously, you'll probably find you're relieved to hear something definitive - something an Internet message board really cannot give you. Furthermore, you might be able to get some help with these other health issues. This is good beyond any issues with your girlfriend.

I urge you to contact a therapist and make an appointment. Tell him or her what you wrote here. Start talking about what you think and feel, and what sort of future you see with your girlfriend (if any; and it's okay to end it even if she is the most wonderful person on earth - you need not date forever if it turns out to not be right).

Please, I hope you will get some talk therapy no matter what the outcome is. All the best to you.

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@jespah,

I agree 100% with Aunt Jess wrote (not that it matters much). Nothing much I'd add. This is an awareness issue ... perhaps about sexuality and bi-sexuality. Also, dealing with your sobriety and coping with stress, too.

This situation is an educative process of what human sexuality is about and the variations are in the sexuality spectrum. Don't believe the stereotypical myths and misunderstandings, such as personal grooming characteristics of being a primper.

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I thankyou both for your advice , it means a lot . My problem is that I didn't touch a single drop of alcohol for 6 years and I stopped smoking for 3 . Even during this time of abstinence nothing improved . My penis never worked even after all that effort , I believed it would fix me . My current partner at the moment laid her cards on the table the other week and said " if you don't f*** mr soon I'll end up cheating on you ". I don't believe it to be true but the bullet that was fired in my heart almost killed me off Sad

I've had a history of suicodr attempts , some serious some not . I guess I've almost given up on a normal life .
I've spoken with my doctor , he offered me the pills , I tried them and no improvement . On the follow up I said they had worked , I guess I just panicked . I had cognitive therapy for a time but never mentioned the situation . I want to be able to carry on in a relationship and the relationship hopping is starting to get a bit crazy now . I know alcohol is bad but it brings the issues to the front of my mind . If I stop drinking I tend to put the issue back to sleep at the furthest depths of my mind . I came so close to telling my partner about same sex encounters I had earlier in my life but backed off at the last moment , does she have the right to know ? I should be knocking the doctors door down pleading with him to help me , but I don't .

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@daveyo,

between your confusing contradictory statements and your writing style, I admit to being lost as to what is happening and when. you said you abstained from drinking for a long time, but then you seem to have siad you have returned.

What I'd suggest is your staying with a therapist ofa long-term. you have some self-acceptance issues..and depressions issues that haven't resolved..

Also, your hiding things from your girlfriend. She has given you an ultimatum which you seem unable to respond to. If I were in your situation, I'd go with long-term therapy..and stick with it. You're in distress and the relationship with your g/f may end badly. Even more importantly...regardless of the state of your romance, is you need to get your emotions and self-esteem issues in balance and under control.

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@daveyo,

Therapy doesn't work so well when you lie to your therapist or omit crucial details. Go into it vowing to tell the whole truth and then do so, or it cannot help you.

Tell them you want talk therapy and not drugs, if that's what you want.

You have to be assertive here and not just let it all happen to you. You have the power to do something about this and that does not come from a bottle of alcohol.

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