What are the most important factors for long-term relationships to work?

I know it might sound weird, but some of it comes down to politeness. Not in the same of being overly formal and holding someone at arm's length, though. Rather, it's more like thanking RP when he makes me a salad, or him asking me to please water the plants or whatever.

We don't take each other for granted. We don't turn it into nagging. But we both pitch in because it's truly appreciated by the other person.

Another piece is - chai2 had said this really well - e. g. know which hill you want to die on. That is, don't sweat the small stuff and don't get into small arguments because they are just not worth it. This does not mean just sitting there and taking it until you explode. It also doesn't mean that your own feelings are immaterial. It's more that you should take a stand about important things, such as where to live, how to care for an elderly parent, how to keep your financial house in order, etc. But don't dig your heels in about where to go to dinner unless you never, ever get your way. Don't go to extremes just because someone bought the wrong coffee creamer.

...in sum don't act like a spoiled child.

commenting to Fil, that applies to both.. but I figure you know that.


Coffee creamer, Jes, you're still funny even while being serious (no milk either).

Well the truth of the matter is that I am lucky enough that it comes natural in my relation....no effort whatsoever in being gentle with my wife or her with me. It just happens. We are together for 12 years now and nothing has changed. Normally the period of "passion" for women is said (speculation) to be 4 years till the first child is old enough not to die according to our pre historic genetic development, after that ocytocin not dopamine takes over and people call it "love", less turmoil and more tenderness...lucky me go figure my wife keeps as passionate as when we met but the tenderness has grown as we got to know each other better...

...I have it, in one of my crazy personal subjective theories, that nature requires balance and sometimes I fear that the "bill" nature will sends us some day will be all to high to re-establish equilibrium...

That's an easy one: give 65% and take 35%. 35% is necessary for self-respect and a fair playing field - in your own mind's eye.

all of what the others mentioned sounds about right.

Having a forgiving nature helps (not doormat).

Also having a conversational ability and interplay that allows the other their say while you have yours. Being interested what the other parson says..and genuineness with asking how their day went.

Courtesy.

it really is amazing how much of a difference things like this can make

once the little courtesies fail, the big stuff becomes insurmountable

An excellent question.

I can answer from the vantage point of being happily married for 45 years.

You need to think alike

Your need to make each other laugh

You need to want to make the other feel good even when you are very pissed off at them

You need to be able to finish each other's sentences

You need to be able to resist knifing your mate in an argument, just to win.

Your need to be able to feel in the middle of the night when you are in bed if your mate is upset.

A lot of this comes with time, but if you make each other laugh at the outset, you're good to go.

First I wanted to apolize to whoever it was I accidently gave a thumbs down to instead of the i tended thumbs up. As soon as I did, his post disappeared. But I wanted to agree with him, that his wife and him have an easy relationship. I have been married 18 years now. It really does boil down to mutual repect. Even if he makes you mad, you dont want to yell at him because it will break your heart to see him hurt, and he treats you the same way? Thats a relationship that will likely last. Dont get married just cuz its convient, or thats your ultimate goal in life. Marriage was never a goal in my life. It fell into my lap. I truly believe, the more you try to find it, the less likely you will be happy.

Because he means a lot to you and is the only one for you, let him know this and make sure that you spend the rest of your life with him.

It comes down to a connection hon'!

Its a passion that you have for someone that at times you never intended to be that way. I was in a marriage with someone for years. Once I left I found that the man I had my first child with still loved me and I couldn't understand it or believe it!!!!

Once we started to spend time together I knew that his love was real. He had this passion for me that I just never had really expereienced. We found that all the arguments and all the disagreements came down to the fact we had this emotional opening to each other that we didn't accept from many others. Once we found that is was all because of a love we had deep within us that we were able to truly express our passion. It's passion. In every way shape and form. The only person you want to fight with and the only person you want to hold. It grows over time if you talk about it enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lilkaynon - all you have to do is click on the word (view) by the post. Go back by doing that and vote it up. That will bring it back to what it was. Then vote it up again, which will leave is as a plus number.