Struggling to decide if a friendship is worth saving

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I have a friendship of 15 years and I'm deciding if I want to continue it. Here is background of latest incident. A mutual friend called me around 8 am to let me know she couldn't get ahold of our mutual friend. Her phone was ringing and she has an old fashioned answering maching that wasn't picking up (she has no computer or cell phone either). The mutual friend had been trying to get ahold of her for about 3 hours. She called me and said she was worried. I called the phone company to see if the line was out of order. (We live in Alaska and had gotten about 8 - 10 inches of snow the previous night and I thought telephone lines might be down. After I tried for about an additional 2 hours I called a friend of mine that had 4-wheel drive to come get me and go check on her because I was worried (we are in our mid 60's).

We arrived to check on her and she was home. Turns out her answering machine was broken. She was angry that we felt the need to check on her. I apologized and said it wouldn't happen again.

We discussed it later and she said that I pounded on the door and came in "like a bull in a china shop" and told her dog who was barking to shut up. I completely disagree with her assessment and have no memory of telling her dog to shut up. I love all animals and it would be extremely out of character for me to yell at any pet. I was blocking the dog so she didn't jump on my friend.

I asked the friend who drove me to check on her what her assessment of my behavior was and if she thought I was out of line. She said that I was a little agitated because I was worried but didn't think I did anything out of line or inappropriate. She did not hear me tell the dog to shut up.

My friend is adamant it happened the way she said it did.

For the last few years I've been noticing that I don't feel good about myself after I spend time with her. She had done things that have hurt my feelings.

Over the years she has given away or lost several nice gifts I bought for her. I understand that once a gift is given it becomes the property of the recipient and they can do whatever they want with it, but I put a lot of thought into the gifts thinking she would really like them.

She occasionally cooks meals at her home for me and I don't like to cook and she will not let me take her out to a restaurant to reciprocate her kindness. She will accept nothing from me.

Bottom line. Should I apologize for something I didn't do to "keep the peace"? Seems like I do that a lot with her.

I'm an introvert and don't make friends easily and I want advice and/or suggestions as to what I should do.

Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated.

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Type: Question • Score: 7 • Views: 1,152 • Replies: 12

[+3] - vikorr - 02/14/2016Hello My take on it is this: people remember what they interpret something to mean, rather than what actually happened. For example, the dog incident (and this is just a possibility, from...

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@nph,

Tough one. She was only out of touch for maybe 5 hours, so maybe you were a bit premature, but no reason for her reaction according to what you wrote. Maybe she feels like you are being a little over protective, but other incidents kind of sound like she is finding you less of a friend and more of an intrusion.

Personally, I feel you might just ease away from her. If she has a change of heart, fine. Otherwise, she becomes a more distant friend.

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@roger,

Thanks for the insight. It helps. The last time we talked (about 10 days ago) she said that she was leaving it up to me to contact her. I know people come and go over the course of your life because goals and interests change. Since we have been friends for 15 years I'll give her a courtesy call so she is not left "hanging" and we can both have some closure and move forward.

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@nph,

It sounds like you both may need to maybe set some boundaries in place that you both can agree on. If she's living alone, in ALASKA, year round? She's probably able to care for herself. I mean, if she fell and it had been a whole 24 hours, then maybe a wellness check could be a good idea, but after 5 hours? No. She has a right not to answer her phone. If she had died? What good would your worrying worrying do? I think you were coming from a good place, but she's a big girl.
As far as apologizing? I don't know. Is she demanding one? I might let one more slide and say , "Look, we remember things differently, and clearly, I have offended you. I am sorry." If she continues to make a big deal out of it, then consider that maybe you're too enmeshed, anyway, and might need to branch out, and invest in some other relationships. This kind of dynamic can be very one sided, and it's not always healthy to stay in them. I hope you handle it with maturity and a good sense of yourself. Good luck.

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Toss a coin.

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@Violet35,

Thanks for the input. You make some excellent points. I did apologize to her for over reacting. As for living alone in Alaska year round, I as well as many of my friends, live alone. It's not uncommon at all. We are in Anchorage which is a modern city with a population of 250,000. I agree that we need to sit down and discuss boundaries and re-evaluate our friendship. This last incident is one of many that have come up (on both sides) during the last 5 years or so of our friendship.

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@nph,

Hello

My take on it is this: people remember what they interpret something to mean, rather than what actually happened.

For example, the dog incident (and this is just a possibility, from what I can work out of your story: You=A, your friend =B, dog owner= C

A+B go to C.
A is agitated. B doesn't like dogs / isn't good around dogs.
C's dog gets agitated, bothers B, runs around barking. A tries to stop dog from getting to B, due to it's excited state, and says 'stop that', with B actually meaning 'stop trying to jump all over B'
C however, interprets 'stop that' to mean 'stop barking', and being a dog lover, and feeling her dog is just being friendly/excited, gets upset with A for telling her dog to stop barking.

Further, consider someone who values, or even takes pride in their independence...what does it say about other peoples view of your ability to be independent, if after just 5 hours of not answering the phone, friends all jump in a car, and arrive agitated?

I can see that you were coming from a place of care, concern, and a sense of looking after each other....but I'm a 3rd party with no vested interest (eg pride in my independence) in the matter. Emotions often make it hard to see both sides of a story.

Hope it helps

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@vikorr,

agreeing with vikorr

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@nph,

nph wrote:

The last time we talked (about 10 days ago) she said that she was leaving it up to me to contact her.

sounds like her intention is to let things drift away quietly

I wouldn't recommend pushing a closure / re-evaluating friendship meeting unless you want to piss her off even more

__

there is just so much weird stuff in that first post it's hard to know where to go with it

but bottom line, it seems she'd be cool with not hearing from you again

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@roger,

roger wrote:

kind of sound like she is finding you less of a friend and more of an intrusion.

Personally, I feel you might just ease away from her.

yup

give the woman a break from you (OP)

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@vikorr,

Hi,

Thanks for your input. I agree with your assessment of the situation. I have learned to calm down and not assume something is wrong. It was an unfortunate series of events (much to long to go into on a forum) that led up to me feeling the need to go check on her.

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@vikorr,

Also, your point about my friend being independent and unwilling to accept assistance from anyone hit the nail on the head. If I had been thinking clearly I would have respected that. I learned a valuable lesson. Next time a mutual friend is worried about someone they can go themselves and check and I will know better than to get in the middle.

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@nph,

Hello,
I hope by now you have reconciled with your friend. If not here is some bible based counsel to help:

Maintaining Good Friendships

Good communication breathes life into a friendship. As you read the Bible accounts involving Ruth and Naomi, David and Jonathan, and Paul and Timothy, you will notice that good friends speak freely but respectfully to each other. Regarding the way we should communicate with others, Paul wrote: “Let your utterance be always with graciousness, seasoned with salt.”

Good friends value each other’s opinion, so communication between them needs to be both gracious and forthright. Wise King Solomon wrote: “Oil and incense are what make the heart rejoice, also the sweetness of one’s companion due to the counsel of the soul.” (Prov. 27:9) Is that how you view any counsel you receive from a friend? (Read Psalm 141:5.) If a friend expresses concern about some course of action that you are taking, how do you react? Do you view the comments as an act of loving-kindness, or do you take offense?

The apostle Paul enjoyed a close relationship with the elders of the congregation in Ephesus. He likely knew some of those men when they first became believers. During his final meeting with them, though, he gave them some frank counsel. How did they react? Paul’s friends were not offended. Instead, they appreciated his interest in them, and they even wept at the thought of not being able to see him again.—Acts 20:17, 29, 30, 36-38.

Good friends not only accept wise counsel but also give it. Of course, we need to discern when “to mind [our] own business.” (1 Thess. 4:11) And we must also recognize that each of us “will render an account for himself to God.” (Rom. 14:12)

Read Colossians 3:13, 14. At times, we will give our friends “cause for complaint” against us, and they too will do or say things that irritate us. “We all stumble many times,” wrote James. (Jas. 3:2) However, the measure of a friendship is not how often we sin against each other but how completely we forgive those grievances. How vital it is that we build strong friendships by communicating openly and forgiving one another freely! If we display such love, it will become “a perfect bond of union.”

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Struggling to decide if a friendship is worth saving

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