Tue 9 Feb, 2016 02:25 am
My wife of almost 20 years decided to tell me she slept with some one 15 year ago. I didnt how to react I was just shaking but we started talking and came to a rest...I just dont know why she decided to tell me now after all this years, and I dont know how to cope with this. All trust I had kinda plummeted...what do guys suggest i can do. Im out of ideas on how to proceed.
I suspect that all you can do right now is to take it one day at a time. Have you told her you no longer trust her? That will be important. She will need to work on showing you her personal loyalty, she will need to build up your trust again. I strongly suggest that you seek counseling, and it will do little good unless she goes with you. Tell her you want to see a marriage counselor.
We had a long conversation and yes I told her I cant trust her at this time since Im deployed at the moment. I will be going home in 15 days for R&R and dont know how to react. I never thought I would hear this.
Try to react calmly, and try to understand if she really wants your relationship to survive. If so, then counseling is the way to go. If, as it seems, you are in the military and away from her for long periods of time, counseling is going to be difficult to arrange. Relationships require a lot of work, even in the best of times. I would say your first order of business is to determine if this can continue to work, and if she wants it to work.
I think the other question to ask her is why she told you. After 15 years she clearly had a reason for telling you this even if she doesn't understand what that reason is. Maybe she knows this will push you away. Maybe she thinks you have cheated and is hoping this will prompt a confession from you. I don't know what it is, but you should know.
A confession like this could also happen if someone is confronting their own mortality. Or perhaps there's been a second instance of cheating. Hard to say. Counseling seems the way to go, even if separate, at least to do that.
Just noticed deployment is involved - that makes it so much harder. Have you talked to medical services in your branch of the military? I'm sure this sort of thing comes up and they are best experienced to help you. I wish you the best and thank you for your service.
I have been through this was not 15 years later but told I was cheated on. My thoughts are with you man. It's a treble thing to her. It's like you can breath or think or do anything. You see it in your head you look at that time and wonder what was real and what was fake. I wish you the best. My fear in this case a trickle truth type thing. After a mouth or so she will confess more and the a few month later some more. I had this happen. Was told was only once. A month later told she kiss a guy at a bar one night and a few month later told it was like 4 times. We are working it out but has not been easy. Talk to a pro make sure you are healthy and looked after. Best of luck to you. If you both want it to work it can but it's hard work and I don't think a relationship can ever be the same better in some ways but never the same
Thank you and I hope I can deal with it... some other stuff was confessed, but she swears it was just kissing with two other guys... now I can not trust anything she saying kinda hard to... but ur right we could try to work it out but i dont think Im going to try, sad to say but trust was everything and is gone...I keep thinking on working towards because of my kids but who know has happened since i got deployed 6 months ago...I feel im about to hear the worse in afew days when i go home...I thought i was ready if I ever heard this but I was wrong...and to who ever said she prob wanted a confession from me thinking I cheated on her well ur wrong Im too busy with my job love my kids and still love her. But just not ready to deal with her anymore.
Man I feel for you. I can not imagine how hard thus is with you being away. P's. On a side note thanks for serving in the forces. The trust is a hard thing to work with. I got to a point were I told her not even a white lie out of your mouth and I will check up on you and double check stories for a while. If I can give you one piece of advice is pick up a book call "moving on after the affiar together or apart " was a great read for me and helped me understand some of what I was feeling. This is such a devastating time so hard to figure it out. Also I have seen friend get into the blaming them self thing. Please never do this. I admit that I am 50 percent yo blame for our Realsionship getting to a low point but I am zero percent to blame for her doing what she did. I had chance as well but always said no. Don't try and figure her out and ask every ? You need to. I found the trust started to rebuild when I did this and got straight answer from her but was always judgmental. If something did not sound d logical to me I did not belive it. Anyway best of luck man with what ever you do moving forward. You did not deserve this and it's a long road but many of us are on it and we will work on it together.
take advantage of the services available to you and your family
they are there for a reason